Dealing with your baby's grandparents

Gillyx

We don't rely on grandparents at all, my son is 6 months old and anything me or my partner have done, he's came along. It means I am unable at present to get a job really as my OH works stupid shifts that are all over the place.

There's not a lot I want to do anyway, but the thought of leaving my son with someone who will do things completely different and not listen to a word I say, about how things have changed from 25 years ago, why would I want to?

And adding baby rice to bottles? I think my HV would have a canary. Any sort of food before 17 weeks can be harmful, and when it comes time, it's to be given on a spoon, as it minimises the risks of choking.

Yorkie1

Just re-located this thread from earlier this year where the grandparents didn't know the meaning of the words "no", "listening" and "respect".

poet123

At the risk of being flamed, I think that many new mums take too literally and too much to heart the advice of HV's and the like. We have all done it.

They are paid to give out the current party line. That line is a moveable feast and so the advice changes every few years. That is why a lot (not all of course) of grannies who have seen and heard these changes are usually wiser than those paid to advise new mums.

Nicki

mummyfie wrote: »

i remember the days when my mother - in- law would tell me how to hold them , feed them , tell them "no"!! now my mum in law has passed away and i wish that she could come back ,even just for one day and interfer some more and just be their nanny again. If you dont share a roof then just bite your tongue if you dont agree with her well meaning gestures of help, life REALLY is TOO short.x

I wondered when this line would come out!

People die sadly. That is a fact of life. Personally I would rather my mother or mother in law die with me still loving and respecting her, not resenting her because they have irretrievably altered the way I wanted to parent my child - eg by interfering with breastfeeding to the extent it failed, or by disturbing a newborn so frequently that they will no longer self settle to sleep.

And God forbid that my child died, as sadly some babies do from SIDS or other causes, I would always regret not being able to parent in the way that I wanted had I been unduly influenced by a grandparent in the days, weeks or months I had that child.

Not all grand parental interference is benign, however well meant. Pollypenny's daughter in law could be burying her baby had the gorgeous boy choked on a bottle thickened with baby rice, especially if this was delivered as a dream feed when baby was asleep or virtually asleep. I have heard of babies who are struggling to latch, refuse the breast completely after being given a bottle by a "helpful" grandparent, effectively bringing breastfeeding to a screaming halt. I have friends who have decided not to vaccinate rather than face the disapproval of strident new age grandparents. I have also had friends whose parents or parents in law have decided to transport their baby by car in their arms on the backseat, so as not to wake them by putting them in a car seat, as that is how things were done in their day. Knowledge of safety risks does change and evolve over time as research is done into the causes of SIDS and it just isn't good enough to override a parents decision on any matter based on the fact that you did something 20+ years ago with no ill effect to your children, because you don't have a right to increase someone else's child's risks of adverse reaction to your actions without their consent.

Gillyx

poet123 wrote: »

At the risk of being flamed, I think that many new mums take too literally and too much to heart the advice of HV's and the like. We have all done it.

They are paid to give out the current party line. That line is a moveable feast and so the advice changes every few years. That is why a lot (not all of course) of grannies who have seen and heard these changes are usually wiser than those paid to advise new mums.

I've not seen my HV in weeks, but whether the advice came from her or from my own head and common sense, if I say not to do it, why then would it be ok for my mum or MIL to then do it? I remember when my son was about 4 days old, my MIL asked if we should bath baby, but he'd just had a feed and was going for a nap, so I said no not right now, I went to the loo, came back, she'd the bath filled, baby stripped and about to bath him? The reason, "oh whatever will the HV think if he's not bathed when she comes around this afternoon" despite the fact he'd been bathed the previous evening. She is the type what the HV said is gospel, when it suits her, but when it doesn't.... it's the complete opposite.

Any decisions I make for my son are carefully considered, I research and evaluate the information I have, to then be questioned which I have, is just disrespectful I think. I wouldn't make a decision based on my HV's say so alone. That's my MIL though, obviously they aren't all the same.

poet123

I agree, my point was that some new mums automatically discount what their mothers or mils say in favour of slavishly listening to their HV's, or what the in new parent mag says is the way to do it. That advice may be current, but may also have changed next week or next year. Trends are no substitute for common sense. That does not mean they should be allowed to interfere or override the parents wishes.

Gillyx

I am not completely opposed to any suggestion and do take on board things suggested Im not completely pig headed I have been fortunate enough to receieve some brilliant advice from several ladies on this board. I know I don't know everything but my confidence gets better every day, with my MIL I almost feel like every statement is turned around like its a question or better yet her favourite phrase 'I dont think thats right, ill pop along and ask the HV in work' drives me batty. It makes me feel incompetent and a failure. It seriously makes me think twice about visiting, and that makes me sad because in general shes a lovely lady.

GracieP

mummyfie wrote: »

life REALLY is TOO short.x

Y'know what. I nearly lost my husband to serious illness a few years ago. We spent over two years on a knife edge where we didn't know if he would recover or how well he would if he did. I've sat holding his limp hand in an ICU waiting for test results that would tell me whether I could expect him to wake up and be lucid ever again or if I'd had my last proper conversation with him already. A nightmare period that started almost immediately after we lost my first pregnancy.

I'm more than aware of just how short life can be, or how long it can stretch out in front of you if you are looking at losing everything that matters. And to be very honest, if anything, it is all the more reason to not tolerate things which make you anxious and unhappy and to find a way to stop those things in their tracks so that everyone can be happy and have the best relationships possible.

I'm well aware of my in-law's mortality. A big part of the reason I've been willing to spend the last 10 Christmases with them instead of my own family is because they are roughly 25 years older than my parents. Not that it's a guarantee of anything but with elderly in-laws and barely middle-aged parents, the odds are that we will have less time with my husband's family than with mine, so I'm more than willing to prioritise them at times. As long as we live where we do now I'd be happy to eventually settle into a twice a week visit with my in-laws, so they can have a good strong relationship with their grandchild. But that's really not going to work well if I'm having to bite my tongue through each visit or if the child is going to be cranky and over-tired for all of that night and half the following day.

whitewing

GracieP,

What is your FIL like? Is it possible to go to him alone and voice your concerns? It can be surprising how much influence a kindly FIL can have, but they don't always recognise issues or want to say something unless they are asked.

pollypenny

GracieP wrote: »

Unsolicited advice is interfering, everyone knows that, it's pretty basic manners. I often see parents do something I'd consider 'wrong' but unless they actually ask me for my opinion it's none of my business. People have to make their own mistakes and learn from them, that's how life works. Or even, shock horror, that which we may consider wrong may turn out to be right because none of us know everything. The fact that you refuse to respect standard manners and then respond with 'shrugs' when your rudeness isn't tolerated is a pretty bad sign, tbh.


Rudeness! So being helpful when DIl is staggering with tiredness is not being helpful?
When it comes to new parents, giving unsolicited advice goes beyond a lack of basic manners. The fact is most new parents don't think they know it all. They are usually filled with doubts and struggling to work out what is best for the new person they are now responsible for. Telling them what they are doing wrong (in your opinion) can damage someone's confidence at a time when they need to learn to trust their own instincts.

As baby was waking and crying with hunger at 3am damaged her confidence quite enough.

And if you are asked to help out or babysit then either do that or don't. Personally I wouldn't give up a class for anything other than a one-off genuine emergency. Your life is yours to live and giving up your own interests for someone else is generally a good way to build resentments, as you will never feel they appreciate your sacrifice enough. But if you do babysit when asked that doesn't give you a license to interfere because that's not what is being asked for.

Most of the grandparents I know, who travel to the other end of the country let alone look after kids once or twice a week, do it because their adult children are desperate for help., usually for financial reasons.