Dealing with your baby's grandparents

poet123

Nicki wrote: »

And I think what most grandparents tend to forget is that just because their babies survived to adulthood doesn't mean they didn't make some bad parenting decisions along the way and do some things which are now known to be dangerous.

My MIL for example was never all that keen on my breast-feeding her grandchildren and her bottle fed babies did survive into adulthood. But that doesn't mean breastfeedig was a bad choice on my part

Nor does it mean that bottle feeding was a bad choice on her part.

gingin_2

Spamfree wrote: »

I think that what first time parents tend to forget is that the grandparents usually do have far more experience and knowledge with regards to kids than the first time parents want to admit!

Of course they have more knowledge but isn't part of good parenting letting your children find their wings by themselves, but quietly being in the background to pick them up when they fall.

My Mum was a health visitor so could be viewed as the ultimate in terms of knowledge, but I don't remember her ever telling me something should be done a certain way, she just stayed in the background doing washing and making cups of tea, so I could figure out how to be a good Mum - and that included making mistakes.

My MIL, however, on one of her infrequent visits from overseas would baulk at certain things I did ( she's an OCD hygene freak which is no fun worrying about when you have a new baby). It was just awful and you end up subconsciously pushing them away.

Nicki

poet123 wrote: »

Nor does it mean that bottle feeding was a bad choice on her part.

No, bottle-feeding her own children was her choice to make and it is not for me to decide for her whether it was a good or bad one.

Telling a post partum mum who is trying to establish breastfeeding that bottle feeding is the better way to go however WAS a bad choice on her part

Spamfree_2

Nicki wrote: »

And I think what most grandparents tend to forget is that just because their babies survived to adulthood doesn't mean they didn't make some bad parenting decisions along the way and do some things which are now known to be dangerous.

My MIL for example was never all that keen on my breast-feeding her grandchildren and her bottle fed babies did survive into adulthood. But that doesn't mean breastfeedig was a bad choice on my part

Whether you like it or not, usually a grandparent knows more about bringing up kids than a first time parent.

And I'm speaking as a parent, not a grandparent:rotfl:

poet123

Nicki wrote: »

No, bottle-feeding her own children was her choice to make and it is not for me to decide for her whether it was a good or bad one.

Telling a post partum mum who is trying to establish breastfeeding that bottle feeding is the better way to go however WAS a bad choice on her part

Mentioning bad parenting decisions and saying that despite them her babies survived into adulthood and bottle feeding in the same breath, does imply that you thought bottle feeding was one of those types of decisions.:D

cottonhead

I am guessing she feels that she is being helpful in her suggestions and actions as she is the one with the parenting experience. I would thank her for her help and let the little things slide otherwise you will be in constant dissagreement but tell her assertively that on the big issues, you and your husband ( make sure to include him as 2 opinions make you stronger) have decided how you are going to deal with xyz and thats final and you would please like her to respect your wishes. It will be easier with your husband on side. Im sure once she starts to see you are strong and make your own decisions she will leave be.

VikkiiKawaii

Spamfree wrote: »

Whether you like it or not, usually a grandparent knows more about bringing up kids than a first time parent.

And I'm speaking as a parent, not a grandparent:rotfl:

Yes, they might do in some circumstances. But the point of the thread is that their opinion should stay in their head until they are ASKED for help.

poet123

VikkiiKawaii wrote: »

Yes, they might do in some circumstances. But the point of the thread is that their opinion should stay in their head until they are ASKED for help.

I am not a grandparent.

Should it though,...... always? Are you really sure about that? Personally, I am not so sure.

Yorkie1

*generalised stereotype alert*

The difficulty is that at two extremes are a) the GP who, with whatever motives, insists on being involved / providing opinions without respect or regard for the parent's opinions or preferences / taking over; and b) the GP who isn't involved at all for whatever reason.

The GP in role a) probably tells all their friends that they aren't interfering but that they are just helping out on the parent's terms, whereas if you asked the parent in a) they'd probably say that the GP is an interfering and bossy so-and-so.

The parent in b) might be eternally relieved not to have the pressure from the GP, whereas the GP might feel very excluded.

It's about perceptions as well as reality. Just because a GP thinks they're being as nice as pie and just being helpful, that may not be how it is being received. Particularly if the GP is a stronger personality, a new parent may feel overwhelmed if their views are constantly disrespected - even if that happens completely unconsiously.

And the more that a parent feels they are being treated like a), the more likely it will be that b) will be the result.

charlies-aunt

Try distraction techniques - keep that ironing basket full and plenty of pots stacked up ready to be washed and let her get stuck in with those when she pops round to 'help'!