Dealing with your baby's grandparents

pollypenny

I've really had this thread on my mind.

My mum's help and advice was always gratefully received, can't speak for MIL - she didn't want to know us.

It seems that some posters want grandparents to be like 'the hired help'. That they are family seems to be missing in many cases.

poet123

It is a fine line isn't it between offering advice and interfering?

I suspect we all get it wrong sometimes, and when some young mums are in the place their MIL's and mum's are now they too will get it wrong. Usually, but obviously not always(!) the advice is given with the best of intent, it is not given to undermine or sap the confidence of the young mum, however, it is clear that it is not always received that way.

I suspect it will be a while before I have any grandchildren, but I will certainly be careful not to overstep the mark. I do think though that some people look for offence, look to be slighted, especially if there are already family tensions.

Gillyx

My in laws and my parents, come to visit my son because they want to see him not for any financial reasons at all.

In my instance, the help is given in a way it's almost suggested I'm not coping, when we're coping quite fine, that in my opinion is when it's unwanted. I have friends with kids and they all do things so differently, who am I to go in and suggest they do things my way because I think it's easier? If they ask for advice, I'll gladly offer it, but if they don't I take that to mean what they are doing suits them. Similarly my MIL is still parenting her children (still of school age) there are things she does that I don't think are right and think are setting her up for serious backlash, but is it up to me to mention it because I think she could deal with it better?

Madmel

I feel for the OP because I have a MiL like hers. My own mother died very suddenly before I had my children, so I had the problem of MiL being the only female grandparent.

I am lucky in that DH gets even more irritated by MiL than I do so had him onside from the start. When DD1 was born, MiL lived 300 miles away so came for a week when DD was 2 weeks old. She had never bf'd her sons and used to stare at me as I was feeding DD. I felt really uncomfortable and she was full of useless advice that was contrary to common sense. DH dragged her out of the house every day to explore the area, but I found it a complete trial. My own Dad was awesome - holding DD when I nipped to the loo, making me a cuppa whe I bf'd and cooking for us, but he lived 250 miles away so wasn't on the scene too much.

MiL moved down to our area and chose to criticse our parenting in front of our kids. DH rounded on her in front of the kids and told her that she had had her chance at parenting and now it was our turn. He then said some horrid things to her about what a useless parent she was, and what a loving relationship we had with our girls in spite of being strict with them. She got in a screaming match and then flounced off. This was all forgotten a few days later.

We decided to write some *ground rules* and I used humour to try to make them seem more friendly. We gave them to all surviving grandparents and waited for the fall-out. I can't remember exactly what they were, but it started off by saying that they were the only Grandma, Grandpa whatever the girls had and they were very precious to them and us. Before buying something on impulse [MiL's favourite quote was "It's from Lidl, it was saying buy me, buy me, it's a bargain:mad:] just to pick up the phone and give us a quick call to check first. Please look at where things were manufactured because we wanted to use ethically traded goods preferably, rather than the alternatives. Don't buy sweets at all, but the girls would love an Easter Egg, so why not save up the weekly sweet money and get them a really nice egg? And so it went on.

Dad read them, laughed and said "whatever" and was pretty cool about them. He still checks with me now before buying stuff. MiL read them, made several "harumphing" noises and then we did not mention it again. The next time she appeared with something completely unsuitable, we very politely handed it back, pointing out that DD had a whole load of them, and what a shame she didn't call as we had asked because DD could really have done with a load of socks [or whatever it was]. Very gradually, the message sank in. Now, more than 10 years later, she is house-bound, but she is very proud of the DDs, her only grandchildren and we seem to have come out the other side. She was 74 when she first became a grandmother, so perhaps it has something to do with being rather older and less inclined to treat me & DH as adults.

euripidesralph

OP Im afraid I cant add any help here as I am in a similar situation. Im due december and my mother in law is sadly on the bolshy side. She is a master manipulater and I can certainly forsee problems.

I have so far dealt with each incident at the time - for example her refusing to discuss anything the baby needed with anyone else and going out and buying a load of stuff, telling DH that she didnt care what my parents wanted she was more important etc etc

I just kinda wanted to say you arent alone, and I hope it works out, Im sure you will be a great mum so dont lose sight of that

(and kick a cushion when she gets too much :-) )

Nicki

pollypenny wrote: »

It seems that some posters want grandparents to be like 'the hired help'. That they are family seems to be missing in many cases.

I can't recall a single post on this thread from a poster who suggested the grandparent should so much as look after the child for 5 mins while mum nipped to the loo, much less exploit them as babysitters, childminders, etc. :cool: To the extent it was even suggested the grandparent be asked to help in any shape sense or form (I think one posted might have suggested they be asked to bring a pint of milk if visiting anyway) it was as a way of finding something for a grandparent desperate to help to do without getting too much in the way.

If by being treated as the hired help, you mean being asked only to visit at times which are MUTUALLY convenient (not just convenient for you) and being asked to treat the mum with courtesy and to respect the decisions she has made for her baby, not override them without consent, then yes it's completely reasonable for a mum to expect this in my opinion, and just as shame she can't issue the grandparent with a P45 as easily as the hired help if they are so thick skinned and insensitive as to refuse to comply with what is basic decent behaviour.

Being asked for help and advice is very very different from volunteering it unrequested. The new baby has two parents who will decide between them, probably based on their own upbringings, how the baby should be parented. No one side of the extended family has a right to dictate what should be done or attempted, and the new family should be allowed to make their own mistakes, just as you made yours.

poet123

I agree that the parents wishes should be paramount. However, it always surprises me that often those who shout the loudest about this are the very same ones who put their babies into nursery from a very young age and thus allow others (albeit those who are paid to do so) to do a similar thing by covert methods. No nursery fully takes account of the parents wishes or routines, they do it their way when they have them in their charge. Strangely, that is often glossed over in many parent v grandparent rant.

GracieP

pollypenny wrote: »

It seems that some posters want grandparents to be like 'the hired help'. That they are family seems to be missing in many cases.

I think you really have your own issues at play here and aren't really in tune with the thread at all. Nobody but you has said anything about their parents (or parents in law) being the help. Nor has anyone but you brought up their financial situation and needing their parents to help out because of it.

I'd never expect my in laws to provide much by way of help with this baby or any future babies. My in-laws are quite elderly and as fit and active as they are, complete responsibility for a baby/toddler could be too physically demanding, and my parents live several hours away so will not be around to help much. Secondly they have their own lives which they have more than earned and I prioritise their right to enjoy their golf, art/dance class, church club, charity coffee mornings, club dinner dance, regular weekend camping trips etc too much to expect them take on any responsibility for the family that it was my choice to have.

This thread is about getting advice on how I can ensure a good, close relationship with my baby's grandmother, who is a lovely well-meaning woman, without letting her disrupt my baby's routines or undermine my parenting in the way that I can see happening with her new infant grandchild. The reason I want to achieve this is because I know she will love and adore my baby and my baby will love and adore her and it's not a relationship I want to taint with frustration and resentment. If you have an issue with your son and his wife guilting you into being an unpaid and under appreciated babysitter, then I sympathise but maybe you should start your own thread for advice on that issue rather than bringing it up when it doesn't apply.

Bennifred

poet123 wrote: »

I agree that the parents wishes should be paramount. However, it always surprises me that often those who shout the loudest about this are the very same ones who put their babies into nursery from a very young age and thus allow others (albeit those who are paid to do so) to do a similar thing by covert methods. No nursery fully takes account of the parents wishes or routines, they do it their way when they have them in their charge. Strangely, that is often glossed over in many parent v grandparent rant.

Where did you get this idea? I, for one, was lucky enough to be a stay-at-home-mum until all my children went to school.

poet123

Bennifred wrote: »

Where did you get this idea? I, for one, was lucky enough to be a stay-at-home-mum until all my children went to school.

I certainly wasn't referring to anyone on this thread particularly. It has just been my personal experience with colleagues and acquaintances.