Dealing with your baby's grandparents

Nicki

There are a few of those grannies who post on here! And however many times they are told they are interfering and upsetting the mums, they refuse to listen and carry on asking for advice on the mother's behalfs and without their knowledge about how they could do things better. So I wouldn't count on being able to resolve this by negotiation in advance, or even after the baby is born.

I suspect all you can do is have strategies to keep things in reasonable proportions. So handing baby over for a cuddle when granny arrives if she is awake sounds like a good one. Having areas where you don't mind advice might be another (whether you take that advice is up to you!). Maybe let her opine to her hearts content on nappy creams, nappy changes etc and keep her away from feeding and sleeping routines?

For unannounced visits you could take the battery out of your doorbell and just not answer the door unless you are expecting her. Or be on your way out to see GP or health visitor each and every time it happens but make an arrangement for a visit as you sweep past?

Unfortunately, some grannies will just never see that what they are doing is rude and unwelcome, and feel a real sense of entitlement to behave as they like, either because they are family, or because this is how their own parents and parents in law behaved with them. Which is fine if the new mum is happy with that level of involvement and interference but unkind if she is not.

luxor4t

Keeping fingers crossed for you OP.
Does she have a key to your house? if she doesn't you can always be out/ asleep/ didn't hear the bell when she turns up unannounced 'because-i-knew-you-didn't-mean-to-keep-me-away'.
If she does have a key, may I suggest a good strong bolt?

thehappybutterfly

mrcow wrote: »

If she turns up unexpectedly, get your shoes and coat on and tell her that you're going out. Rinse and repeat until she gets the message that it's best to double check first to avoid being left on the doorstep like a lemon.

Ha! What happens though if granny decides she's going to come with you? What then? My MIL had a terrible habit of coming everywhere with us and it really got on my nerves. Our little one was a pukey screamy baby and I used to get really het up and having granny there giving well-meaning but annoying advice just made me worse. I lacked confidence in my abilities as a mum and having MIL there judging my "performance" made me feel like the worst mum on the planet.

Mojisola

pmlindyloo wrote: »

The key to all this is your OH. She is his mother and OH needs to support you. If this means upsetting the MIL then so be it.

You need to talk this through and have a plan (you won't stick to it but the underlying principles will be there)

You must talk this through on the basis of what you and your OH want. 'Pepper' this with a bit of 'I will need time to settle with the baby, spend time with us a new family' and 'my hormones will be all over the place' and 'we will both be very tired and adapting to our new baby'.

Your OH will need to take control over the visiting etc and be guided by you and how you feel.

I think this is important. Also the very first time something happens that you don't like, say so. If you and other OH let things go at first, it will be much harder to stop it later.

One thing that might work is saying "The midwife/health visitor/doctor has told me that .....". Some people react better if what you say you're following instructions from an authority. Others will always know better but you can play the "new Mum" line and insist on doing things the way "you've been told to"!

mrcow

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

Ha! What happens though if granny decides she's going to come with you? What then? My MIL had a terrible habit of coming everywhere with us and it really got on my nerves. Our little one was a pukey screamy baby and I used to get really het up and having granny there giving well-meaning but annoying advice just made me worse. I lacked confidence in my abilities as a mum and having MIL there judging my "performance" made me feel like the worst mum on the planet.

lol I'd be off in the car before she'd got a look in.

You're right though, it is confidence. I've never lacked it, especially when telling others to butt out. If someone went to wake one of my sleeping children up, they'd be told to back off and keep their hands to themselves. If they then proceeded to wake the baby up, then I'd take the baby away and tell them that they'd have to leave because now I've got to deal with an overtired child.

If someone gives unwanted advice in a derogatory way, I just tell them that I don't do it that way. If someone makes a passive/aggressive remark about my parenting, I simply ask if they ask if they are trying to deride me - funny how passive/aggressive people can back down very quickly when they are being confronted with their snide behaviour.

Confidence will come with time and experience.

poet123

I think that you will just have to be firm. How about inviting both sets of grandparents to be around for Sunday lunch just before you give birth and gently laying out the ground rules in conversation. I think a lot of issues arise when one set are treated differently to the others. If it is not an issue with your mum you could set it up with her before hand so that she knows it is not her you are making the point to.

izoomzoom

I haven't read all the replies but understand that you are worried about MIL.

The grandchildren that have already been born, are they your husband's sisters or brothers, (ie is granny the mother of the mother, or mother of the father?

Only reason I ask is I noticed how my MIL was with her daughter's children, but she IS different with my children (my husband is her son) and although I have had to be firm at times (and we have had a few fall outs) it doesn't worry me anywhere near as much as it did in the beginnning.

Bennifred

poet123 wrote: »

.................. I think a lot of issues arise when one set are treated differently to the others. .................

.........or think they are! Every single time we spoke to MIL she'd ask when we'd last seen my Mum/sisters/etc. Both sets of family lived 200+ miles away so visits were always arranged, but MIL was convinced we favoured my side of the family.

BugglyB

I do think you have to be clear and direct with her. If you are 'going out' every time when she comes round and then OH mentions you need some quiet family time she may just suggest you go out less!

There's no easy answer really is there. Perhaps try and make sure you do have some positive interaction as regards baby. Good luck!

GracieP

I'm not sure how well having a talk with her in advance would do. She just literally ignores what she doesn't want to hear, as in she'll refuse to respond, leave the room and when she comes back only talk about something else. Around the new baby she just seems to go off into her own world and is only interested in anyone else if they are praising how good she is with the baby or asking her advice. If people are coping fine without her help she tends to get visibly upset. Tbh, I think she is someone who is very self-defined by her role as a mother and never came to terms with her children being adults. Seeing them as parents seems to upset her unless she is the one who they all turn to for guidance.

I've talked to my husband about it this morning and he agrees that nipping it in the bud is essential but we both think that working out strategies to deal with her will probably be more useful than trying to have a frank discussion. I'm lucky in a lot of ways that his brother's baby is a few months older than ours as he is seeing how she is acting and that it causes problems rather than just being harmless fussing. With his sister's children we lived away so he never saw this when they were babies. Up until the new baby was born he thought that my worries were a bit silly but now he wants to have a plan of action ready in advance.

He's pretty confident that as long as I can breastfeed that in itself will save us a lot of hassle with her. She has almost no experience of breastfeeding and he suspects it will embarrass her a bit, so she'll be less likely force a situation where she is so hands on. We also have a couple of newborn slings/wraps that I'm hoping to be able to feed in and that my husband is eager to carry in, so if the baby is napping in a sling on one of our chests rather than in a cot in another room she won't find it as easy to sneak off and wake them.

There are some things I've noticed she is keen on, like supervising the baby while it's lying on a mat on the floor for some kicking time. If my baby enjoys that I can put her in charge of that when she's here and make out like it's her idea. And I'm happy for her to have the chance at lots of cuddles, as long as it's not disturbing the baby's sleep and eating time.

I know she's very critical of some things we hope to do. She can't understand why I bought reusable nappies and she has expressed 'concern' about us keeping our dogs. She's also very 'concerned' about how my b-i-l's wife is planning to return to work next year and as she knows I plan to stay home (I work at home now) she has tried on occasion to get me onside on that one, though I've just told her that different things work for different families and refuse to be discuss it any further. If I do breastfeed she will probably have a lot to say about that, but I'm less worried about having her talk about me behind my back or try to convince me to stop breastfeeding than I am about her being in a position to disturb the baby's routine.