How would you feel? the same or do I need a kick up the rear?

Get a lodger in - say its to help with the mortgage and to replace the savings you used helping her out. Then you don't have a spare room anymore - problem solved.

Elinore wrote: »

Ps my Dad is a nice guy, honest. He still has a soft spot for my mum - they were together a very long time. He just wants to see her safe and looked after. His new wife is a nice person too - sadly they live abroad so no joy in getting them to stump up a room (that and my mother loathes his new wife - i mean LOATHES)

full explanation later.

It bothers me that no one here seems concerned about your welfare, that they are perfectly ok with you being unhappy as long as your mother gets what she wants.

If she is truly homeless, her council has a duty to keep a roof over her head despite past actions. It may not be where she likes, but she will not be living rough.

The pressure to do as your father and relatives ask must be enormous, I hope you are able to stay strong and not sacrifice your and your husband's future and well being for the sake of your mother.

If it's so important to your father, then he can get her somewhere and act as guarantor or fly her out to live with him and his wife as a housekeeper/maid. If she's made him feel guilty about leaving her for somebody else, it's obviously his responsibility that he hasn't left her in a secure position for life, isn't it?

I wouldn't entertain any further contact about the matter.

Elinore wrote: »

Thanks everyone - this is just a FYI as i am just out the door (i will reply in full later and outline in full the issues below) this is just the short n sweet version.

My Mother will have trouble renting:

She doesn't work. she never has done. She has always been a kept woman and is proud of the fact. She has no workplace skills, cant use a PC. Wont do care work (its dirty) and has never signed on. So no demonstrable way to pay rent.

I fully understand. I have a sibling I'm struggling with who, while far more responsible than your mom, has a habit of creating situations and letting others pick up the tab. It has taken me years and thousands of pounds to finally just say 'no, I can't help you'. And trust me, I've got it easier than you do.

However, there is nothing to be gained from taking her in. Her lifestyle has worked *well* for her for 58 years and she isn't intending to change. You will get ALL of her: both her good side -- I bet she's a lively, funny person when she's good and tender when the mood takes her -- and the bad. Every last bit of drama, every quarrel with the new neighbours, every poison message she carries between you and your hubby, every past-due payment, every fraud, every unpleasantness will come with her.

It's heartbreaking to say "I'm sorry, I cannot help you" and to keep saying it when envoys keep arriving painting the most heart-wrenching pictures, but for your long-term peace of mind, stick with it. She is almost certainly not going to be living in a box on the street and the intensity of the pressure will reduce as this becomes manifest. Don't call back, don't explain, don't engage. If they have to put in 100% of the work, they will give up, whearas so long as you ring back, email and what have you, even to give your side of the story, they still have hope and will keep on doing so.

Keep strong. It's worth it.

Thank the Lord you didn't receive the promised house deposit from your mother all those months ago! Just think how much harder it would be now to say 'NO' to her when she needs somewhere to live if you had...

I had a relative like this, and it cost me thousands of pounds and a load of heartache - until I finally realised that I was doing her no favours by bailing her out with money on a regular basis. So I said no and meant it, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But you know what? She survived just fine, and even sorted herself out a bit.

Stay strong and carry on. You are doing the right thing.


:T