my turn to ask for perspective. .

justme111 · 17 July 2016 at 4:13PM

UPDATE ON PAGE 5, FURTHER UPDATE ON PAGE 6
My boyfriend of a couple of years drinking upsets and annoys me. He drinks on most days and it is not just one or two glasses - 3, 4 and more. A bottle for him only is easily gone and on many occasions it is more. He often buys boxes of wine so it is easy to lose track. I asked him a while ago not to get wine in boxes , he stopped , now he started again. I told him a while ago his alcohol consumption is one of the issues our relationship may not work for. It decreased for a while (although still stayed more than I personally would be comfortable with) then picked up again. He acknowledged that his alcohol consumption is way above recommended norm. His behaviour does not change in a negative way , he does not appear drunk, if anything he can be funnier than when sober and to an observer he would appear perfectly fine.
I still vehemently dislike it but I question my dislike and whether it comes from the right place and what to do with it.
His chilling time in the evenings often means drink and tv. As at the moment he does not live with me yet (planning to move in with me next month) and I do not have SKY he watches whatever on laptop in bed with me. Usually it is something that I watch as well and once it is finished the laptop is off. A couple of times though he continued browsing internet or watching tv while drinking after. No specific programmes , it feels to me as if he did not want to switch it off because once it is off the evening and drinking ended and there is no more fun. I in the meantime lay there being upset , I even considered getting up and going to a spare room but I realise it will upset everybody even more and delay me falling asleep even more. My sleep is good , I could fall asleep with the tv on if needed but it is not optimal and doing it to facilitate his late evenings is not something I feel happy about. I told him how I felt , I suggested bed is for us doing something together, if he wants to do something that I do not partake in he would stay in another room.
Comments and questions welcome as I want to do what is right , I do not want to mess this one up ..

Tigsteroonie · 17 July 2016 at 4:27PM

justme111 wrote: »

he watches whatever on laptop in bed with me. Usually it is something that I watch as well and once it is finished the laptop is off. A couple of times though he continued browsing internet or watching tv while drinking after. No specific programmes , it feels to me as if he did not want to switch it off because once it is off the evening and drinking ended and there is no more fun. I in the meantime lay there being upset , I even considered getting up and going to a spare room but I realise it will upset everybody even more and delay me falling asleep even more. My sleep is good , I could fall asleep with the tv on if needed but it is not optimal and doing it to facilitate his late evenings is not something I feel happy about.

He could be sitting in the living room watching the laptop, but he wants to be with you so he's watching in bed. Whilst you're ready to fall asleep at a certain time, that doesn't mean that he is ready at the same time. You're declaring that the evening ends when you want to sleep, but what if he needs less sleep or chooses to sleep later? You need to find a compromise to that.

I am a 10pm bed person; Marley can keep going to 3am and even later. He watches films etc downstairs so as not to disturb me. We just accept that we are different, and I enjoy the opportunity to "starfish" for a few hours

FreeBear · 17 July 2016 at 4:36PM

Does he drive ?

He only needs to be stopped once the following morning, and he will lose his licence and have to pay loads more on insurance in the future.

Mojisola · 17 July 2016 at 4:45PM

justme111 wrote: »

I still vehemently dislike it but I question my dislike and whether it comes from the right place and what to do with it.

His chilling time in the evenings often means drink and tv. As at the moment he does not live with me yet (planning to move in with me next month) and I do not have SKY he watches whatever on laptop in bed with me. Usually it is something that I watch as well and once it is finished the laptop is off.

A couple of times though he continued browsing internet or watching tv while drinking after. No specific programmes , it feels to me as if he did not want to switch it off because once it is off the evening and drinking ended and there is no more fun.

I in the meantime lay there being upset

I told him how I felt , I suggested bed is for us doing something together, if he wants to do something that I do not partake in he would stay in another room.

His drinking is a major part of his day, especially if he will prolong using the laptop so that he doesn't have to stop drinking (especially when you're in bed with him and willing to have nooky!).

I would be asking him to deal with his drinking before he moved in - at the moment it sounds as if the alcohol is more important to him than how you are feeling.

This won't magically sort itself out - it takes a lot of determination to change drinking habits.

moneyistooshorttomention · 17 July 2016 at 4:48PM

What way does he get with the alcohol? Some people get sleepy, some merry, some a bit aggressive - do you notice any of those reactions?

My other thought is that it would worry me to know an Other Half was regularly drinking an amount that in years to come might affect their health. Reason being because I'm someone that likes to look after my health (though I will have a few drinks myself - but within reason) and I know I'd resent any future illness any partner of mine had that had been caused or exacerbated by unhealthy living (eg drinking too much). Other people might not worry about that....I don't know if you personally would worry about that - but it is something that would concern some people.

justme111 · 17 July 2016 at 5:38PM

Tigsteroonie , that is precisely what has been suggested by me and accepted by him - if he wants to stay up late while I do not he can do it elsewhere but in bedroom. Will be interesting to see how it pans out. .
Freebear , I think one has to get really drunk the night before to be over the limit the next morning so do not think it applies. . . Liver eliminates alcohol at a rate of about one unit/hour. From 7pm when my bf starts drinking (not all the days by the clock but typical ) to 7 am when it is time to drive there are 12 hours. He does drink less than 12 units usually I think , ( I think one unit was about 130ml of wine which gives 12 units= 2 bottles) and even if it was so or more there is still some concentration of alcohol which would be below detectable threshold. Besides in habitual drinkers liver processes alcohol far faster. So I do not license would be an issue .
Mojisola , re nookie - let's say that I usually do not want it out of the blue just because I am next to him. I want him to motivate me for it! Which is an issue number two it might not work. He is superb at finishing the process , not so much at starting it if you know what mean. In any case past 11 it would be difficult to motivate me as I would be resentful I am losing sleep and he did not do it earlier but chosen tv and drink before.
I taken a plunge with moving because I wanted him to feel appreciated and accepted. I believe people can be their best if they feel loved so I wanted to give a relationship every possible chance I could. I was one who was not sure about us while he was (in his words and actions, not sure about his feelings) adamant we are good together. So I thought he must feel as if he was on a trial period and that feeling is not good for bringing the best in people. When I met him he was drinking the same or more , had extremely late nights, no exercise and smoked a lot - cigars! ! Absolutely opposite of what I would go for. Since then he stopped smoking and uses vaporiser which is a bliss . We have been running together once a week , series of short distance sprints and he went on a few cycling trips with me , there were days when we done 40 miles in a day, we have fond memories of it and I believe he honestly enjoyed it. So he has a rare quality of happily of being able to do and enjoy things he normally would not have.
Moneyistooshorttomwntion, that is one of my major concerns , may be it is the main one . I know I would resent terribly any illness resulting from alcohol. My ex developed under eye bags partly to ageing I guess but in good part due to drinking. Those areas of his face used to become red as soon as he had a drink and I hated it and it was very offputting. I was questioning myself on whether I was very intolerant in feeling like that..
What makes it difficult as well is that my bf is extremely non pushy type. He never ever tried to make any changes in me or other nearest and dearest by pressure. Never a word of disapproval. If he thinks change would be for my best he creates circumstances in which I myself would realise it and is extremely patient.
He does not get any different with alcohol. Slightly funnier may be as I said , he made a few very good jokes while drinking. I been with him on a couple of occasions when he drunk to the oblivion - sleepy , slow , that is it.

splishsplash · 17 July 2016 at 5:40PM

What do you mean you want to know if your vehement dislike is coming from the right place? Where is the 'wrong place'?

He heard you tell him you dislike his drinking, that it may be something that breaks you up, you say you lay there at night very upset, he continues drinking more than ever and you question your attitude?

The guy is habituated, probably dependent and unable or unwilling to control his drinking. This will get worse over time, not better.

Some people seem to think this is ok. I am not one of those people.

I would stick pins in my eyes sooner than let him move in with me.

But that's just me... your life, your decision.

justme111 · 17 July 2016 at 6:00PM

Haha , I knew I would be questioned on "right place" and "wrong place". Difficult to define , I suppose "right place" are emotions that come for right motives. Not from weaknesses like for example being controlling, selfish, insecure, jealous etc. Ones that in the long run would contribute to my happiness.
Yes I question myself. He or others in his place may believe thar I have no right to try to control what other is doing as long as the only explanation of how it affects me is " I do not like it".
I suppose we all happen to be upset with our significant others time to time. How many evenings of those would be enough so as not to move /stay together ? Would just one be enough for you ?

splishsplash · 17 July 2016 at 6:50PM

What would you advise if a close friend of yours came to you with the same problem?

Would you think they were being controlling or manipulative, or would you think they were seriously deluded for even considering letting him move in with things the way they are?

Would you think they were realistic if they talked about a hardened, habituated, dependent drinker changing because he feels appreciated and accepted? Or would you struggle to stifle your frustration at their naivete?

PeacefulWaters · 17 July 2016 at 6:55PM

I would google and read numerous articles on alcoholism.

There are major resources out there that will help you understand if you are dealing with an alcoholic or not.

But if it's an issue that's made you post this thread, I'd suggest you're not ready to move in with him.

Detroit · 17 July 2016 at 6:56PM

I think there are two separate issues, him wanting to stay up, prolonging his eve, when you don't, which as Tigsteroonie says, is the same for a lot of couples, and some sort of compromise is usually reached.

Assuming this is a newish relationship, you may be feeling a bit put out at not getting his full attention when he continues with the laptop. I wouldn't over think this though, as it's really just about different body clocks.

The drinking is a different, and in my opinion a much more serious issue.
By all accepted wisdom, he has a problem with alcohol.

I would not want to enter a more serious relationship with someone who had this issue, and would need a frank conversation and some assurance and evidence this would change before moving forward.

It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking of yourself as a nag or killjoy when challenging someone's drinking, especially if they are fun and pleasant when they drink.
However, by keeping quiet about these problems you're colluding in the idea it's not a problem, and in my opinion, likely heading for a miserable future.

my turn to ask for perspective. .

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