No toys or blankets in allowed in cot as they can cause cot deaths?

Alikay · 27 October 2013 at 9:57PM

I agree with bigmomma: Times change, and some of the things we did with our babies 20-odd years ago aren't recommended these days. Plus every child is unique and every mum has her own methods, and as grannies we are there to support and encourage.

The last thing a new, anxious mum needs is her MIL's criticism, even if it is "constructive".

con1888 · 27 October 2013 at 11:10PM

Having just read the ' having your baby home' part of my birth book, it does advise no bumpers and says the best thing is the blankets they use in the hospital as they are breathable. Seems the grobags are becoming popular now though.

thorsoak · 27 October 2013 at 11:34PM

Those of us born in the 1940s/50s were put in cots painted with lead paint, we were swaddled in woollen blankets, we had hot water bottles in our cots; we were parked outside in the garden regardless of whether, and our mothers followed Dr Truby King's advice and we were fed every 4 hours on the dot - not a moment earlier, not a moment later.

When we had our children in the 1960s/70s, we had central heating in our homes, so our babies did not wear little hats when they went into their non-lead painted cots. But they had lovely cot bumpers, lovely cotton cellular blankets, we laid them in their cots, on their sides (in fact I would put mine down on different sides to remind me which boob to offer first). They had no pillow in their cots - just two cellular blankets and a quilt(!) And, by the time baby no 2 arrived in 1969, babygros had replaced the wincyette nighties that I so lovingly made for No 1 son.

They were still parked out on the porch during all weathers (apart from fog), snugly wrapped in their big coach-built prams - complete with cotton cellular blankets, pram quilt, witch pram cover over the top. And, of course, Dr Spock reigned supreme!

My older grandcihildren were born in the far east, where they were dressed only in nappies & vests, went out only in carry seats and cars, then buggies - not exposed to !fresh air" as it was either too hot or too polluted. And the middlies have come through the less is more ethos. Tiny one has a mum who has two teenagers - so tiny has been treated as babies were in the 90s.

But heigh ho - we've all survived - but in order to survive, we have to adapt and change. Are the babies any better for these changes? Possibly. Are babies harmed if these new regimes are not followed Possibly not. But in order to survive, we must evolve!

whitewing · 28 October 2013 at 12:24AM

Maybe your dil is highly strung because her mother did not have time to fuss over her.

Perhaps she is following current official advice because she felt that she was not kept safe and paid attention to as a child.

When my son was a baby his grandmother put honey in his bottle despite there being warnings on honey jars not to give to children under one, and despite her being told not to. Okay, he did not get botulism from it but I would have still rather she had not gone against the warning.

DigForVictory · 28 October 2013 at 12:42AM

Our lads had fairly bare cots initially, as they only went into them asleep. The toys were for being awake with. The special personal blankets were for the transition beween awake & asleep, for comfort, for innoculations, for reassurance at family gatherings (both child & mother!) and do forth.

Wish we'd had growbags!

whitewing · 28 October 2013 at 12:52AM

I just remembered though that relatively recently we were told that DD needed to be on her back to sleep. That was fine but we didn't pick up that she was meant to be on her front for playing to build up chest muscles etc for crawling and the like. I think we extrapolated that she should never be on her front. The hv actually said that babies nowadays were weaker in that respect. It wasn't that the advice was wrong; it was being interpreted incorrectly.

usignuolo · 28 October 2013 at 1:09AM

I have not made a single comment or suggestion to my dil, about how to raise her daughter. I would not dream of it but she is hard work. My son has even warned me off suggesting names for the new baby on the way as her own mother and sister got frozen out for doing that.

My dil was one of two girls, it was her mother who was one of 8, and who agrees with me that her daughter has rather gone over the top on rearing the perfect child. Just because the authorities tell us something is right, does not automatically make it so. My dil was told by the natural childbirth trainers that she had to breast feed for the first 6 months to give her baby the best possible start. She struggled to produce enough milk and the baby was not thriving and my dil was getting stressed out. The breast is best lobby still insisted she try harder and it was only when her mother intervened that things got sorted out (the baby had to have supplemental feeds which were discouraged by the breast feeding trainers. My dil was made to feel a failure.)

I have two concerns, there is so much responsibility heaped on young mothers today that they have no time to enjoy the baby, they are too worried about getting everything right. I baby sat one evening and the baby screamed the minute they left, which they said would happen so we sat on the sofa and watched a harmless French cartoon which she loves and she sat on my lap quite happily and we chatted and played with her toys and she had a drink and fell asleep quite happily. When my son and dil got in they were surprised when I said we had a nice evening. When I said we had been watching tv together, the dil was furious and said she is only allowed to watch 10 minutes tv a day. (They had not told me that beforehand btw). She did not speak to me for the next 24 hours as a result.

I also think couples should try and keep a bit of their adult life and relationship going. It is hard for my dil as she has no mother or mother in law to baby sit either and will not trust my granddaughter to anyone else. I have never ever made any suggestions to her about her parenting skills. And even my son says she is highly strung.

My mother indulged my son no end, fed him any amount of sweets, let him stay up late, but she adored him and hey she was his grandmother and she did not get to do it very often. So I was quite relaxed about it. I think today's mothers should also be more relaxed about their parenting skills that is all I am saying.

And while I realise that attachment parenting is now popular, and its fans make all sorts of claims for it, I am not aware of any studies which bear this out. It may be true, but at present it is only based on their claims and indeed the leading exponent in america, the actress mayim bialik, recently separated from her husband which has led some people to say attachment parenting neglects the father.

Gillyx · 28 October 2013 at 1:16AM

If I got the impression my MIL was telling strangers on a forum that I was highly strung, I'd be mighty peeved off, but maybe that means I am indeed highly strung.

Leave them to it is my advice. My son is 21 months old, and everything we do is wrong in the eyes of family, we can't do anything right, and the things we do want to happen or don't just get ignored, we don't want him to have masses of junk to eat, I'm not a nazi, and he does get chocolate but not until it's coming out of his ears, and when I say, not him, but the minute I'm not there they're all shovelling it in like no tomorrow because I'm so cruel that he doesn't get it *sigh*

Also could it be possible your son and his wife are attachment parents? This has proven to actually make children feel secure and create confident children.

Person_one · 28 October 2013 at 2:38AM

usignuolo wrote: »

I have not made a single comment or suggestion to my dil, about how to raise her daughter. I would not dream of it but she is hard work. My son has even warned me off suggesting names for the new baby on the way as her own mother and sister got frozen out for doing that.

My dil was one of two girls, it was her mother who was one of 8, and who agrees with me that her daughter has rather gone over the top on rearing the perfect child. Just because the authorities tell us something is right, does not automatically make it so. My dil was told by the natural childbirth trainers that she had to breast feed for the first 6 months to give her baby the best possible start. She struggled to produce enough milk and the baby was not thriving and my dil was getting stressed out. The breast is best lobby still insisted she try harder and it was only when her mother intervened that things got sorted out (the baby had to have supplemental feeds which were discouraged by the breast feeding trainers. My dil was made to feel a failure.)

I have two concerns, there is so much responsibility heaped on young mothers today that they have no time to enjoy the baby, they are too worried about getting everything right. I baby sat one evening and the baby screamed the minute they left, which they said would happen so we sat on the sofa and watched a harmless French cartoon which she loves and she sat on my lap quite happily and we chatted and played with her toys and she had a drink and fell asleep quite happily. When my son and dil got in they were surprised when I said we had a nice evening. When I said we had been watching tv together, the dil was furious and said she is only allowed to watch 10 minutes tv a day. (They had not told me that beforehand btw). She did not speak to me for the next 24 hours as a result.

I also think couples should try and keep a bit of their adult life and relationship going. It is hard for my dil as she has no mother or mother in law to baby sit either and will not trust my granddaughter to anyone else. I have never ever made any suggestions to her about her parenting skills. And even my son says she is highly strung.

My mother indulged my son no end, fed him any amount of sweets, let him stay up late, but she adored him and hey she was his grandmother and she did not get to do it very often. So I was quite relaxed about it. I think today's mothers should also be more relaxed about their parenting skills that is all I am saying.

And while I realise that attachment parenting is now popular, and its fans make all sorts of claims for it, I am not aware of any studies which bear this out. It may be true, but at present it is only based on their claims and indeed the leading exponent in america, the actress mayim bialik, recently separated from her husband which has led some people to say attachment parenting neglects the father.

You've brought up your babies, now step back and let them bring up theirs.

Toto · 28 October 2013 at 2:52AM

I'm sure you haven't made comment about their parenting but I'd bet my life savings that they know you disapprove of some of their choices. Ultimately this is going to cause more stress that the perception you have that they are trying to be perfect.

This may come across as being harsh but I think you need to back off and accept that they are raising their child in the way that they deem to be correct. It may seem alien to you but times and advice do change and often the hardest battle the new parents have is getting the rest of the family to let go of 'how things were when you were babies' attitude.

I can not tell you how many new mums I've seen in tears because their families won't comply with the current evidence based advice given regarding SIDS. We tell parents that overheating has been shown to be a significant contributor to SIDS and that we no longer advise bundling babies up in 20 layers and putting hats on them indoors etc. The parents try to implement this but every time their back is turned granny is putting an extra blanket on baby because his hands are a bit cold (usually because of immature circulation not due to temperature).

Why not talk to your daughter in law with a genuine interest to learn about why she is doing some of the things that you didn't do? What is the current advice? What has she read? perhaps you could read it too so you understand and can help to raise her children in the way that her and your son choose to. It might help.

No toys or blankets in allowed in cot as they can cause cot deaths?

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