Very worried of how my partner will react

sassyblue · 28 May 2012 at 12:51PM

david_1982 wrote: »

I'll post an update tomorrow to say how it goes. I'm so scared of how she's going to react, but I take this as a positive sign that I do properly love her, otherwise I wouldn't be so concerned over it.

I'm wanting to give her my account login details to show her I'm being totally open. This is the only way I can think of to make her trust me that I'm telling the truth.

Hi David, if l were your fiancee l would be angry you'd lied BUT the way you're going to put it (in your first post) is lovely PLUS you have paid off an awful lot of money in a short space of time AND with all the wedding planning the debt hasn't increased....

You have more going for you than you think.

Good luck and l'll pop in tomorrow hoping it all went well for you. xx

NAR · 28 May 2012 at 12:59PM

I would say something along the lines of "I expected to clear this £2.5k before the wedding because of how easily I was able to pay the other £27k. However the expenses we have had since we got engaged have meant that I have been unable to clear this debt as quickly as previously thought. I don't want to hide this debt from you and hope you understand I intended to clear it before our wedding."

green1970 · 28 May 2012 at 1:13PM

Perfect response from NAR above, I'd say exactly the same thing. From our perspective, you sound as though you've done brilliantly, it's fantastic that you've cleared so much debt in such a short time. £2.5k should be easy and fast to get rid of if you've already paid off so much.

But from your perspective, it looks like she knows that you previously had a very serious problem with debt, worked hard to clear it but there's always the potential to fall into that hole again. I suppose she wants to be very clear about what she's signing up to and that that can never happen again as it would put home/marriage at risk if it did. You really can't lie about money ever again, especially for the sake of a 10 minute rollocking.

She's probably suspecting even worse than this so she might even be relieved when you lay your cards on the table especially as you didn't clear the debt in full and then rack up more, you've just struggled paying off the last part as fast.

Hope it all goes okay for you but I can understand why you might be worried that it may not. Get it over with and learn from it, no more secrets regarding finances in your relationship as it's a make or break issue with your history.

Still staggered at how well you've done to clear it though, takes real commitment and determination - stick with that mindset and well done!

SueC_2 · 28 May 2012 at 1:18PM

vixarooni wrote: »

But then i wouldn't be in a relationship with a man who could get into 30k of debt in the first place!

Intrigued! Do you credit vet the men you start dating? At what point? Do they agree to that?

david_1982 · 28 May 2012 at 1:37PM

Thanks guys. I moved back to my parents to pay the debt back faster. I also drive an old car with 154,000 miles on the clock and hardly spend any money on myself. This is totally different to the old me that would regularly spend my last penny on going to the cinema or some new gadget, and then take out store credit for a new xbox. My credit card upped my limit to 12,000 last week, I immediately went on-line and brought it down to 6000. I hate debt now and feel worthless and pathetic for still having it.

sassyblue · 28 May 2012 at 2:21PM

david_1982 wrote: »

Thanks guys. I moved back to my parents to pay the debt back faster. I also drive an old car with 154,000 miles on the clock and hardly spend any money on myself. This is totally different to the old me that would regularly spend my last penny on going to the cinema or some new gadget, and then take out store credit for a new xbox. My credit card upped my limit to 12,000 last week, I immediately went on-line and brought it down to 6000. I hate debt now and feel worthless and pathetic for still having it.

You've cleared so much you have every reason to feel really proud of yourself!

Mind you, l guess feeling like that is an incentive to not do it again l guess.

kent_lady · 28 May 2012 at 2:34PM

It sounds like you are extremely hard upon yourself, your use of words like "worthless" and "pathetic" are concerning. David, look at the positives - you have cleared £27.5 k of debt in 3 years, that's a massive achievement! You have not run up any more debt, even though you have a wedding coming. Yes your fiancee will hit the roof BUT once she's calmed down she will see why this happened. But take the advice of the other posters and NEVER lie to her again, You are doing the right thing by coming clean, it sounds like it's stressing you and you need to get it off your chest. Know you're dreading it but you will feel a lot better. I would be surprised if she calls it off, you took responsibility for your debt, took steps to repay it and most importantly, you GREW UP and realised that having an X-box wasn't as important as you thought. Well done for all of that, and best of luck for tonight!!

purple.sarah · 28 May 2012 at 3:04PM

It's the right thing to do to clear this up with her. It sounds like you have a plan to pay the debt off so explain that to her to reassure her this isn't going to happen again in the future. If I was her it is the deceit that would upset me, not the money. My husband has around £2500 debt but he was honest about it. When you get married she will be jointly liable for your debts and that is not a situation someone should be tricked into! Also she probably asked about the debts when you proposed because she wanted to prioritise paying them off before you spent lots of money on the wedding, so you could start married life on a stable footing. If you had discussed it with her you could have budgeted better together or agreed on a long engagement to remove the pressure. It is important to be completely honest now. She will be upset but she has invested a lot emotionally in this relationship so hopefully she will want to work it out. It will take time to rebuild the trust though.

CH27 · 28 May 2012 at 3:19PM

Well done for clearing so much debt so quickly :T

david_1982 · 28 May 2012 at 3:31PM

Thanks CH27, I'm leaving work in half an hour and am going to tell her as soon as I get home. Before making dinner (my turn to cook tonight). I think it will help, as we have so many arguements, and I just know that I'm defensive because of trying to cover this up. I know it sounds selfish, but I need this guilt out of my life! It's because I love her that I need to sort this out. the last thing I want is to marry her and then her to find out when we come to merge our bank accounts, and I don't want to tell her another lie to say why I don't want to merge accounts.

Very worried of how my partner will react

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