Very worried of how my partner will react

david_1982

Hi,

I've not posted her before but have been a regular reader.

I've managed to clear around 30k of debt over the last three years. And six months ago, I proposed to my girlfriend and we're due to get married in three weeks.

Just before I proposed, I paid off my last bank loan debt, but still owed around 2500 on my credit card.

I made the stupid decision to propose rather than waiting another few months to clear my debt fully. She said yes and believes that I'm totally debt free. She asked if I'd cleared my bank loans and I said yes. But I was too scared to say I'd not cleared my credit card as she takes debt very seriously and I was worried she would refuse to get married if I told her I wasn't fully out of debt. I know it sounds stupid, but we've been together for three years and I thought I would lose her if I didn't propose.

Due to us planning the engagement to only be six months long, we've had a lot of costs and I've not been able to pay down my card debt.

We do argue about money, and she says that I get very closed off and defensive when ever she brings up the subject of saving for a house or getting joint accounts. I keep telling her everything's fine.

I'm going to tell her the truth tonight as I can't marry her and know that I'm lying to her. I don't know how she's going to react. Part of me thinks she will try to cancel our honeymoon, or even call it off. But we earn over four grand a month between us so it's not a crippling debt and I'm hoping she will see that.

I know she'll be mad at me for not telling her sooner, but I'm hoping she'll see why I didn't tell her and why I'm telling her now rather than waiting till we're married.

I guess I just need some encouragement that she won't want to call off the wedding (which has cost us over ten grand already). I start shaking when I think about it.

I'm going to tell her like this:

"I have something I need to tell you that is going to upset you. I never meant for this to get to this point and I should have told you much earlier. But I owe £2500 on my credit card from when I proposed to you.

I chose to propose rather than pay it off because I couldn't wait any more to ask you. I thought I could pay it off before the wedding but I've not managed it.

I understand you're mad at me and feel hurt, I've been very stupid but didn't want to marry you without telling you."


I'm going to give her all my bank and credit card login details so she can login to confirm everything. I need to be totally open with her.

I'm just so terrified of what she'll do

MrsManda

Don't know your fiance so cannot claim to know how she'll react but I think you're doing the right thing in telling her before the wedding. She clearly loves you otherwise she wouldn't have said yes to the proposal but she is likely to be hurt that you didn't trust her enough to share earlier.
Be prepared for her getting upset and possibly needing some time alone.

Ensure you are completely open with her regarding your finances. apologise and be willing to discuss options regarding repaying your credit card, budgeting and financial arrangements once you are married.
Money and children are two of the biggest things which can cause a marriage to disintegrate, mainly due to each person in the couple presuming the other holds the same views so it's much better to discuss these things before the wedding.

Apologise, be completely honest and give her time. Good luck.

londonsurrey

You sound very stressed and seem under pressure from yourself to please your fiancee. Do you feel a need to please people in general, and present a "perfect" front?

Your decision to tell her sounds mature, and hopefully (after the initial fireworks!) will be the first step to a more healthy and open relationship with her, with room for you to be less falsely perfect, and simply sincere and realistic.

Bluemeanie_2

I don't know your Fiance, so can only speak for what I would do.

And that is, kick off, have a go at your for maybe 10 minutes, walk off in a huff for maybe 20 minutes, then think about it logically and come back and talk it out.

"I chose to propose rather than pay it off because I couldn't wait any more to ask you. I thought I could pay it off before the wedding but I've not managed it."

My advise would be is to start with this sentence and ham it up a bit more, lay it on a bit thicker about how much you love her and so desperately wanted to marry her so got carried away with the moment.

January20

Although I agree with telling your fianc!e about your debt, I am not sure it's a good idea to give her your bank and credit card login details. By all means, show her, but banks do frown upon these details being shared.

peachyprice

If she calls the wedding of for £2.5 of debt she's probably the wrong wowan for you TBH.

Yes, you shouldn't have let her think you'd paid it all off, but you've paid off £27.5k. It's not as if you've racked up a load more debt and have been purposefully hiding your spending.

Weddings are expensive, at worst I think you were being a little naive in believing you could pay for the wedding AND pay off the remaining debt.

Just be honest with her and come up with a realistic plan to get the remainder cleared. Perhaps there are weddings things you can cut back on if it's that important to her that it's all clear before the big day.

david_1982

Thank you for all the replies. I'm sat at work having trouble concentrating thinking about this.

londonsurrey: I think you're right. I do tend to "big myself up" when people ask how things are. I don't know why, I even do it to myself. When I was trying to clear my debts I would always be overly optimistic with the dates to clear it and always disappoint myself. I do this with everything in life. I don't know why. I'm the same with things like sport. I go running and set myself unachievable goals for running 5k or 10k, I mean, I will eventually get fast enough, but I always try to do things too early.

vixarooni

i wouldn't call the wedding off, but if my partner couldn't tell me about the debt then i would wonder what else could be lied about. But then i wouldn't be in a relationship with a man who could get into 30k of debt in the first place!

I'd get it out in the open, tell her and i think everything will be fine. Then i would clear your credit card debt and then learn to live within your means (which wouldn't be hard on £4,000 a month!)

david_1982

Thanks for the reply vixarooni.

I've cleared over 27k of debt in the last three years. So that should be proof enough that I've learnt to live within my means.

I got into debt by buying things on credit when I didn't earn very much. She's always known about my debt, the only thing I've been dis-honest about is the last bit not being paid off.

I feel terrible about it and need to tell her.

emweaver

Good luck telling your fiance but if she calls off the wedding over £2.5k after all the debt you've repaid she clearly does not love you.

mcja

To get it into perspective you have paid of a massive amount of money over the past 3 years. Would you be able to put everything back 2 months, and pay off the remainder over a very very short period of time? You would then be able to start married life in a stable financial position.

I am sure she will be cross (shes a woman, its what we do best!!) but you are doing the right thing being honest and I am sure that she will appreciate that and support you.