Very worried of how my partner will react

Blackpool_Saver

I still think there is more to this, you seem to be in a very bad state over what is small change on your combined incomes. Don't let this woman control you

January20

david_1982 wrote: »

I told her. I told her as soon as I got home.

She was very quiet for a few minutes, and then very upset. It's not the amount that bothers her, it's the fact that I lied. She did say that she needs complete openness on everything in the future. She feels that I might have left it this late to tell her to make sure we don't cancel the wedding, I explained that it's not that and it's just taken me this long to build up the courage to tell her.

She says she's not totally sure how to react, but that she would be more comfortable if we had a joint account so she could see that I'm not hiding anything else. I've agreed to that, a lot of married couples use joint accounts so it's no big deal, and I need to prove I'm being honest.

We actually talked for hours about it, missed dinner completely, but I feel better for telling her, and knowing there's nothing else I've not told her. I can be totally open with her about everything.

I just hope she doesn't change her mind about things.

I'm actually quite concerned for you. I can't remember if you explained how you got into that amount of debt, but you have done an excellent job of clearing nearly all of it. Always remember that!

I am concerned for you because you are so scared of upsetting your fiancee and her dumping you that you might do something really silly that you might regret, like agreeing to a joint account (not a bad idea for a married couple) and surrendering all of your financial independence, control, etc.

Will you, for the rest of your life together, have to prove you are now financially sensible?

When will she start trusting you?

Will you have to account for every single penny that you spend?

Will you have to put all your money in a joint account and be given an allowance?

How is it all going to work?

I'm not sure it was such a good idea to decide to get married so quickly after you cleared your debt. Perhaps you should have waited so that you could prove to your fiancee that you can manage your finances now, on your own. But what is done is done, isn't it?

You will do as you see fit of course, but will you please remember to think with your brain and to put your emotions to one side? You seem so fearful of losing this woman and she seems to have such a hold over you. You seem so eager to marry her that you will agree to anything she wants. I don't see your relationship as an equal relationship. It's more like she is mum and you are the naughty little boy who is so desperate to prove he can be good.

Getting into marriage with such issues...

coolcait

purple.sarah wrote: »

...When you get married she will be jointly liable for your debts ...

No, she won't.

FBaby

Ok, so you were irresponsible, as in really irresponsible (can't believe you can end up with such a large amount of debt in few years that wasn't because of essential costs!), but you did it and now fixed it. You won't be the first person in this sitation and not the last who thankfully learnt from it and never did it again. Saying that, your wife is absolutely right to be concerned because it is worrying and she needs to trust that you are not sorting it all out now only because of the pressure to do so before getting married and have indeed learnt your lesson.

When I met my ex, he owed £2K. Nothing dreadful, we didn't have children yet and both had good jobs. Yet I later learnt that it was the sign of him having serious issues with managing his money. In the end, we separated mainly because of all the debts he continued to accrue behind my back, not telling me, thinking he could cope with it all. He would manage to pay things off, but then built it up again. I can therefore understand your fiancee reservation.

I do hope that going through this was worth it, that you have really learnt to manage your money AND that it isn't worth hiding things from your wife to be thinking you can sort it out on your own. If you do, then all fine, but when you don't, it only gets much much worse.

As for the £10K wedding, my partner and I also earn above £80K combined, but no way are we spending that amount on our wedding next year!!! However, if you've saved for it rather than putting it on the credit card, then there is no harm done.

david_1982

Hi, just to give a short update.

She came home from work very quiet last night. Hardly acknowledged I was there. I asked if she just wanted me to give her some space she said yes and we did our own things for the rest of the evening. She was still very cold with me this morning and hardly said anything before going to work. How long till she calms down??? Should I ask how long she needs or just leave her to it and try to not wind her up anymore?

Mojisola

david_1982 wrote: »

Hi, just to give a short update.

She came home from work very quiet last night. Hardly acknowledged I was there. I asked if she just wanted me to give her some space she said yes and we did our own things for the rest of the evening. She was still very cold with me this morning and hardly said anything before going to work. How long till she calms down??? Should I ask how long she needs or just leave her to it and try to not wind her up anymore?

Impossible to answer because we don't know her.

Have you had any other disagreements in the past? How has she behaved after them?

At the moment she's probably going round and round in her mind, wondering if there's anything else that you've lied about. She's going to have to weigh up everything she knows about you with that fact you lied to her about the last bit of debt and decide whether she can trust you. You can't make her trust you.

Good luck.

FBaby

david_1982 wrote: »

How long till she calms down??? Should I ask how long she needs or just leave her to it and try to not wind her up anymore?

Sounds like she is pretty calm....just thinking things through. I know for you the hardest bit was to tell her, you now feel you've downloaded your weight and therefore all should be better, but for her, she just caught a weight she didn't have before, so the stress is on her.

She might still ponder as to whether you've waited so long to tell her as it is now too late to cancel the wedding. All her insecurities might be coming up to the surface.Do give her time and don't undermine how she is feeling. Let her come to you to talk when she has really taken it in.

david_1982

In the past. Before living together, she would normally ignore my texts and not answer the phone for three or four days, and then come out with what ever it is that's still bugging her when we next saw each other. This feels like that.

The stupid thing is, she's the one that calls me immature.

Lexxi

It's not necessarily immature, it's the way she wants to deal with it. She might have a lot to think through, she might be thinking about past times in your relationship where you may have lied to her or weighing up the relationship on general.
Did you show her your closed accouts where the other 27k was? Have you done a budget to show her as to how you are going to clear the last 2.5k without impacting her and also what you plan to save from there? I would be working on this so that when she has calmed down you can show her that you have planned clearing the debt and that you are looking to a future together.
I'd also be thinking about how you two are going to manage finances together, what to pay for the bills, what for savings and what for yourselves. Good luck

RuthnJasper

david_1982 wrote: »

In the past. Before living together, she would normally ignore my texts and not answer the phone for three or four days, and then come out with what ever it is that's still bugging her when we next saw each other. This feels like that.

The stupid thing is, she's the one that calls me immature.

David - you sound like an absolutely lovely person who is a real prize catch for your lucky lady. I echo everyone on here who has congratulated you on clearing so much debt so quickly.

From what you say in the comment above though, your fiancee is not behaving in a mature way with regard to areas of "conflict". Ignoring calls and texts, letting frustration and resentment build up, and then coming out with the issue is not helpful to you, her, and/or any children that you may have in the future.

I wonder if you could have a chat with her and come to something of an arrangement - perhaps along the lines that you are genuinely sorry about concealing the remainder of the debt and, from now on, you are going to be fully open with her about everything - BUT, in return, she needs to be fully open with you about things that are bothering her.

Issues - maybe not financial issues, but issues nonetheless - ARE going to come up in future years; that is life, and a 100% perfect 'happy ever after' is unrealistic. You need to know that you have nothing to fear from her if unforseen problems crop up. You also need to know that she is not going to bring up the previous debt issue every time you have a disagreement.

I'm sure you already know this - but, as a married couple, you need to stand firm together as a united partnership; a team, who can face and deal jointly with whatever life throws at you - not treading on eggshells for fear of how your other half might react...

Whatever happens, I wish you every success and happiness and a long and fruitful marriage. Hope I have the good fortune to meet a decent chap like you one day... xx