Very worried of how my partner will react

noodles86

You have done the right thing by telling her before you get married. Well done on sacrificing and paying so much off!

I'll tell you my little story. I got married August 2010 and thought everything financially was hunky dory until we couldn't pay the nursery bill and I questioned hubby on the money. He had over £10,000 in debt he hadn't wanted to tell me about as he thought I wouldn't marry him (which I would of done, if I had of known but with any debt paid off and saving for it!).

Angry is an understatement! Previous to this I thought everything was fine hubby was on a very good wage - no need for debt - he assured me we could afford wedding, he said he had savings for it and had even bought a top of the range treadmill & mac (on credit cards which I later found out!). I completely trusted him in regards to money so I was devastated too when it all came out.

Now obviously at this point we were married so I couldn't just walk away even though I was so upset. It took me quite a while to get over it and caused many arguments (as I was angry that now myself our dd would 'be punished' with less treats due to him, can't buy our own house, more children etc). But you know I love him to death and knew we would have to work it out. oh and just thought to add I do have all the log ins/open the card statements and make sure things are paid off each month & are coming down nicely for my own reassurance.

So in conclusion! It is more of the lie/trust thing than really the money you have said what you have said now, got it all out, I would leave your fianc! be for a few days, maybe until the weekend (it took me weeks to calm down!) maybe do the washing up/tidying/ironing or something maybe you wouldn't usually do just so she knows you are sorry (nice things without spending any money!) hope things are ok soon!

sunshinetours

You've done your bit , now just see what comes from it. you can't control thsi situation now. just don't end up a doormat is all I would say - you made a financial error of judgement and have done amazingly well to sort it. It will come down to whether she can trust you or not - nothing you can do about that bit now

Better all this is out now rather than after the wedding fopr both your sakes

FBaby

I don't think she is acting immature. She is angry, could take it out on you telling you off instead she is thinking it through on her own that is the best way to deal with it. You on the opposite seem to want things to go right back on track now that you've told her. The issue that you lied to her is still there. Give her time show that you are committed to pay this off and continue to be good with money.

david_1982

thanks noodles86, it's good to get the viewpoint from someone who's been on the other side. I am thiking that spending lots of money of flowers and presents to say sorry is not the answer (due to money being part of the issue. I want to give her the space she needs but without looking like I'm ignoring her. But I also don't want to come across as being needy by pushing her to talk to me.

noodles86

Definitely don't spend money!! I would just let things be for now do the normal things; dinner - maybe make a lovely dessert?/wash up, tidy. let her be, I think best to let her come round in her own time!

Mojisola

david_1982 wrote: »

In the past. Before living together, she would normally ignore my texts and not answer the phone for three or four days, and then come out with what ever it is that's still bugging her when we next saw each other. This feels like that.

The stupid thing is, she's the one that calls me immature.

FBaby wrote: »

I don't think she is acting immature.

I thought the immature remark was made in reference to her previous behaviour.

I hope she doesn't carry on like that. Communication is the key to making a marriage work and there's trouble ahead if one partner won't talk to the other about what's wrong.

Giving someone else the silent treatment is not a mature reaction.

busiscoming2

I've just caught up with this thread and want to say what an inspiration you are David to others in your financial situation. Well done on clearing the bulk of the debt.

I have not been in either of your situations, but I would feel lied to, even knowing the reason why, I would take it as a lie. Your fiancee obviously needs time to work through her immediate reaction to your lie. Give her time and space, I'm sure she will come to realise you mean't well and have learn't your lesson now. I believe in complete honesty and that is your way forward. Good Luck with the Wedding

VitaK

The best thing my wife ever done was telling me about her debt. It did cause silence, arguments and tears before we could focus on the debt. The trust part of it was the hardest to deal with.

Best of luck.

FBaby

Mojisola wrote: »

I thought the immature remark was made in reference to her previous behaviour.

I hope she doesn't carry on like that. Communication is the key to making a marriage work and there's trouble ahead if one partner won't talk to the other about what's wrong.

Giving someone else the silent treatment is not a mature reaction.

They did talk in length the previous night. She now probably needs some space to think things through. 3 or 4 days can be a long time, but indeed, that was prior to living together, so not that long.

My man needs time on his own after we have a 'serious' talk. I've learnt that he prefers to be on his own to process important information. If I try to encourage communication at this stage, he feels under pressure. I now have learnt to just wait for him to come to me when he is ready and we can THEN have a productive conversation.

themull1

There's something not right with your relationship, your girlfriend is calling all the shots, and you're waiting in the wings hoping that you've been a good boy and that your girlfriend will be happy with you. Its not an equal partnership. Why doesnt she pay off the 2.5 grand with some of her 30 grand savings then its all over with?. i think that you will be making a big mistake if you stay in this relationship. Dont rush into anything you might regret. By the way, congratulations on clearing all that debt!!