Very worried of how my partner will react

paddy's_mum

emweaver wrote: »

if she calls off the wedding over £2.5k - - - she clearly does not love you.

Sorry but I cannot agree with this.

Perhaps the fiancee might call off the wedding because of the dishonesty and deceit that has gone on! The relatively small amount of money might very well not come into it at all.

In her shoes, I'd be very upset to discover that, despite my previous support and loyalty, I've been lied to. It is that aspect, and all the ramifications of a partner choosing to tell lies, that would be the deal-breaker.

My thoughts would be going along the lines of 'is-this-really-the-truth' every time my partner opened his mouth. Without trust, you have nothing.

OP - 'fess up and keep your fingers crossed. I wish you luck but you must never, ever lie to her again!

londonsurrey

david_1982 wrote: »

Thank you for all the replies. I'm sat at work having trouble concentrating thinking about this.

londonsurrey: I think you're right. I do tend to "big myself up" when people ask how things are. I don't know why, I even do it to myself. When I was trying to clear my debts I would always be overly optimistic with the dates to clear it and always disappoint myself. I do this with everything in life. I don't know why. I'm the same with things like sport. I go running and set myself unachievable goals for running 5k or 10k, I mean, I will eventually get fast enough, but I always try to do things too early.

Hi David,

You sound like a chap who is willing to put in the hard graft to achieve the things he wants, and good for you.

May I suggest a very subtle shift in perception? By all means continue to aim high, but simply recognise them as "stretch goals", which gives recognises that you are giving it your all to get it, which means that it isn't available tomorrow, and will take time, and actually is the best case scenario, so if paying off a massive debt, it will be done in x months, IF the roof doesn't need replacing, IF the cat doesn't need £2k of vet fees, IF you don't decide to take her out to a £300 meal.

Be the kind of boss to yourself that you would be to others - cut yourself some slack, aim high, recognise that projects don't run smoothly and perfectly all the time (so allow 15% less than optimal time/savings rate - you KNOW this happens with all projects ), and it will allow you to be honest as well as still proud of yourself.

david_1982

I'll post an update tomorrow to say how it goes. I'm so scared of how she's going to react, but I take this as a positive sign that I do properly love her, otherwise I wouldn't be so concerned over it.


I'm wanting to give her my account login details to show her I'm being totally open. This is the only way I can think of to make her trust me that I'm telling the truth.

cte1111

Bluemeanie wrote: »

My advise would be is to start with this sentence and ham it up a bit more, lay it on a bit thicker about how much you love her and so desperately wanted to marry her so got carried away with the moment.

Now that's interesting as I was thinking the opposite - don't say that part at all! I would feel that somehow I was being blamed for the debt, e.g. I would have paid off my debt if it wasn't for the proposal / wedding and associated expense.

I definitely think you should explain to your fiancee that you need to pay off your credit card and show her a plan for doing so. Perhaps you can then have a general talk about your joint finances and how you are going to manage them going forward. You can then talk about whether you're going to have a joint account, what the budget is for the wedding, etc.

benb76

Something you wrote in the OP was 'I thought I'd lose her if I didn't propose'. If she really would have left you if you hadn't popped the question, or if she does cancel the wedding due to 2.5k after you've already cleared 30k, then you're best off out of it.

JustinCredibleGillespie

You mustve been very disiplined to pay off that amount of debt in so little time, so very well done to you for that.

Try not to freak out, I dont think your fiancee will call off the wedding. You sound a bit like me sometimes, I expect the worst but hope for the best, IYKWIM.

Hope it goes ok

JCG

xx

Bluemeanie_2

cte1111 wrote: »

Now that's interesting as I was thinking the opposite - don't say that part at all! I would feel that somehow I was being blamed for the debt, e.g. I would have paid off my debt if it wasn't for the proposal / wedding and associated expense.

I definitely think you should explain to your fiancee that you need to pay off your credit card and show her a plan for doing so. Perhaps you can then have a general talk about your joint finances and how you are going to manage them going forward. You can then talk about whether you're going to have a joint account, what the budget is for the wedding, etc.

That's why I suppose we can't really help much as none of us, including OP know how she will react!

whitewing

Get the paperwork together to show how much you did owe in total and show her how much you have achieved.

Show her how relatively little you have left and your realistic plan to clear it and by what date.

I think you are right to tell her now.

I think whatever happens will be for the best in the long run, but I think it would be very hard for her to not marry you because of it.

She probably knows something is up and is terrified you don't want to marry her.

Good luck.

FBaby

I suspect it's not the debt that will be an issue but the fact you let her to believe it was under control. She is likely to immediately wonder what else you might have kept from her what else you might have said all was fine that you might turn around and say 'actually...'

My advice would be to say that you made a mistake lying to her, that it was very important though to come clean before the wedding, that however bad it looks you really are hiding nothing else from her, and to show that you do take your debts seriously I would be the one digesting that you delay the honeymoon until you've repaid it all yourself. Hopefully she won't be to freaked out about it and be the knew to suggest going on the trip anyway as long as you show a clear plan to repay the debt asap.

TeamLowe

my husband has lied about money a couple of times, and it has angered me greatly because it was a lie, not because of the amounts involved. but at the end of the day he's still the person i love with all my heart and debt owed was not something that would cripple us, if you get me. it's not like he (or you) has spent all the rent money and left us up sht creek, so to me it comes down to the principle of lying.

i'd say that if she's saying you seem closed off and defensive when talking about money, in part she already knows the truth, that there's something you're hiding and it's probably some debt, and you admitting will be a relief in a way, the other shoe dropping as it were. especially for so little in comparison to how much the other debts were x x