Is this abuse?

Mrs_Arcanum · 6 May 2012 at 9:05AM

My aunt was in an abusive relationship similar to yours.

One day she snapped - tipped a bowl of sponge pudding with extra syrup on his head and walked out with nothing but the coat on her back, collecting the children from school on the way.

Please don't leave things as long as she did. GET OUT NOW. A whole wonderful life is waiting for you when you break free.

ammonite · 6 May 2012 at 12:29PM

I don't have anything to add that everyone else hasn't already said but just wanted to say I was in a relationship once (not abusive) and decided it wasn't working so decided to finish it, then he became verbally abusive calling me all sorts of names (nothing at all compared to what you've gone through) even though the worst thing I ever did was dump him.

You know what....even though I wanted to dump him and knew how horrible he had become, I still missed him. It wasn't him as a person I missed, it was just having someone I missed. I don't think you are scared of leaving him, it seems to me you are scared of being on your own. Don't be scared of that, it can't be as scary as what you are currently experiencing xxx

Butterflymind · 7 May 2012 at 2:25PM

Dear all

Thank you for not giving up on me....

Sleep is better, as he can't stop me sleeping when he does...

Feel more human. Made mistake of telling him insurance=peace of mind to me. Feels like he's focusing on this to cancel as 'non-essential'.

Already cancelled a charity I've supported for years - a' sponsoring a child' group, at his insistence. Even though I said so many times it helps me to think I am helping a mother to raise her child, when I lost 4 of my own.

Tried to turn it around on him asked why didn't he cancel his private pension or ask for a 'holiday' from payment, if he feels things are so tight? Costs £233 pm for that, less than £65 for combined insurance and charity...

Wouldn't even ring them to see if it's possible....

Everyone asks here why I don't leave. I ask myself that every single day. I still feel something. Don't know how to describe it. A hope that it will get better with the right counselling....

Physically yes, I could pick up documents and run. Emotionally I am so twisted up inside. Sway between loving feeling when he's nice/charming, to feeling numb/tired/guilty/depressed/ a bad person for thinking of going. Roller coaster. Don't know how he is going to be from one day to the next.

Learnt to adapt, but it changes, e.g. from little sleep to sleeping when he does. Now back to 'normal'? Still struggling to think of this as abuse, but wehn I re-read it, I think it is...

Habit to start to put this to the back of my mind, pretend its not happening, sticking fingers in ears and going 'la-la-la' to my thoughts its not really that bad he's being nice again....

Waiting for redundancy as will go into joint account, want to put it in my own, separate one (ISA not used much); looking at WA site, phone no in my bag (can't remember it), looking at houses/flats; still 'la-la-ing' to myself....

Part of me torn about my little house, love it, modernised it now, wrench to go I guess.... Then look at little flats on-line, and think how nice it would be in one, the peace, quiet, just me and doglet and no-one else.

Thinking, baby steps, and yes, counsellor is specialised more on depression, mental health... Didn't tell her about the light/heat going off, or coming to room at night (still unsure that it is me imagining, still scared...)

Trying to break out the cocoon....

BM

Tamsin_Temrin · 7 May 2012 at 2:39PM

cant post much on this thingy

make an emergency appt with your therapist and take printed copy of this thread - my apols to her, not as rubbish as thought

keep going on about insurance cos while hes trashing you over tht then he is leaving othre things alone suggest more ins, joint health ins etc dont cut his pension back you are entitled to half of it.

HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU

keep posting - psychological torture is harder tio get away from and most women who are beaten up take thirty or forty goes to get away, never give up contact with outside and never forget your doggy

Tamsin_Temrin · 7 May 2012 at 2:43PM

btw you are just as entitled to the house, and you could seek legal advice to get him out via womansaid-turning lights out etc is really stephen king horror stuff & judge is likely to think you are entitled to protection

personally I would go to different part of country & make new memories

Valli · 7 May 2012 at 2:45PM

Get your paperwork.
Walk out - nearest Police Station - they will get you to Women's Aid.

When you are at Women's Aid contact your bank and get the account suspended. Contact your former employers and arrange to have your money paid into your sole account.

He doesn't want you.

He wants your money. And what will he do when he has spent it?

Women's Aid will even come with you back to the house, if you want, accompanied by a policeman, to collect your possessions, clothes, whatever.

Bitsy_Beans · 7 May 2012 at 3:52PM

If memory serves you split from him before because of his behaviour. Nothing changed then nothing has changed now, I am afraid you are hanging on to a false hope.

I would concentrate on that little flat of your own, with the peace and quiet and doglet, no one telling you to cancel charitable donations you want to make, making you sit in the dark or the cold and most importantly feelings SAFE in your own bedroom.

Get your stuff together and leave, don't look back.

Sagaris · 7 May 2012 at 4:05PM

He's not being 'nice' to you - he's confusing you. If he's being 'nice' it's to protect his interests and keep you where he wants you until he gets your money.

Take it from one who knows, he will never change. He's been used to bullying you until you don't know what day of the week it is, it's all about control. He's convinced you will never go and will be there for him no matter what.

You are entitled to a life - go and do it! No one on this thread has said otherwise - we can't all be wrong! Please get on to Women's Aid and get some help - you are not imagining all the things that have happened to you, his manipulation has made you doubt yourself. You deserve so much better, just keep hold of the light at the end of the tunnel when you are away from that b@stard - remember there is always someone about on this thread to 'push' you in the right direction!

HeatherintheHills · 7 May 2012 at 4:13PM

Butterflymind wrote: »

Feel more human. Made mistake of telling him insurance=peace of mind to me. Feels like he's focusing on this to cancel as 'non-essential'.

BM, think about what you just said there. You told him that having insurance mattered to your peace of mind and now think telling him was a mistake, because he has targeted that now.

It isn't the insurance or cost cutting he is thinking about, he saw an opportunity to damage your peace of mind even more and is loving using it. Isn't this the same as your little doggie? Anything that makes you happy/keeps you same is destroyed by him.

Some men do this. They think that loving you means denying you the things that will make you happy. They think that showing their love by doing/saying/allowing things they know will make you happy is a weakness that cannot be allowed. They do/say/allow things that THEY think should content you and do not understand why you become more and more unhappy. They make you think you should be content with your life with them, they do not understand why you wouldn't be. They become confused and frightened that you may leave and they know they need you, so the controlling mechanisms tighten. They make occasional concessions then their fear makes them draw the chords around you tighter still. Concessions, little gestures, oh the price you pay for them!

Are you thinking in the back of your mind that maybe he doesn't mean to behave that way? Well, he had that excuse the first time, but counselling educated him. He doesn't get the benefit of it this time. Not this time.

He is doing what he does because he can. He is either selfishly giving no thought at all to how it is affecting you OR he is hurting you on purpose. He is hurting you because he can. He is gong to hurt you even more because by staying you are giving him permission to continue. Maybe he is hurting you because it is the only way he knows to love you. This is toxic love. It will destroy you.

Imagine yourself living in your own home with your little dog. You decide what and when you eat, when the lights go on, when you sleep, how warm you are, what you spend YOUR money on, without having to wonder what he will have to say about it or what he might do to stop you.

Keep the thought of that life in your mind. Will you ever have that while he controls your life? No. And deep down you know that, don't you.

Will you ever have that lovely life if you open the door and walk out of it? YES!

So reach for that door Butterflymind and let yourself grow wings.

Fly Sweetheart.
xxx

smileyt_2 · 7 May 2012 at 4:26PM

Thank goodness you've posted, Butterflywings. I was getting worried that something had happened to you.

Oh please, please follow the advice we are giving you. Tomorrow morning when Women's Aid opens its doors for a new business week, phone them, or turn up at one of their sessions. Your OH is NOT going to change. He is nice to you when it suits him. Can't you see that? You are hanging on to a dream that cannot exist in real life. I have done this with a dream and wasted precious time that I could have used living my life. Deep down I knew the dream couldn't possibly come true but I hung on to it and yes, it was painful to let it go. But the freedom to move on once I did ..... :T My dream wasn't even in an abusive situation and it held me back. Some dreams just can't come true and your dream of your OH loving you is one of them. I'm sorry to post that, but it's true. And deep down I think you know it. So let that old dream go and fill your head and heart with a new dream of life with your doggy and all the new friends you will make and go and grab that dream.

Fly, Butterflywings, fly! xxx

Is this abuse?

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