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Advice please - relationship & friends.
Comments
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She's got too much input into your relationship.
I sort of see it differently. she may well be an uber cow, and I can sort of see where she is coming from. the OP is no.3.
I think the advice given previously to not make it an issue and try to "clear the air" is spot on. go there and she is heading for a hiding.
As dozey says you have to box clever and instead of waiting for invites take the bull by the horns and organise your own events and do make sure you invite her to shove it in her face and show your boyfriend you are the bigger person.
.
If she doesn't turn up, boy you've won.
sorry cat and keyboard, apologies
DSmile, you are beautiful:)0 -
I think the reason the OP is GF3 is this woman - she has seen off two girlfriends and is going for the triple! why? because she can!
I agree with others advice - don't play her games and get your guy to 'man up'. but not by argueing with him! she doesn't consult you about get-togethers - so have some of your own with his other friends! keep a close eye on her FB page and any hint of a 'night out' - arrange a dinner party with another couple. or two couples from the group. Do NOT issue any ultimatums to OH. instead, when she disrespects you 'Tut, and say - when is she going to grow up? we aren't in the schoolyard now'. Treat her like a 'spoiled little brat'. and YOU are the adult. Rise above it.0 -
The thing is one has to BE , not try to pretend one is.The word "dilemma" comes from Greek where "di" means two and "lemma" means premise. Refers usually to difficult choice between two undesirable options.
Often people seem to use this word mistakenly where "quandary" would fit better.0 -
So , op , you have prepared your graceful and to the point speech on that clearing air get- together ? You not listening to people saying you it is a bad dea because you "have to" clear the air with them if you are to stay with your bf? I know it sounds harsh but other than childish and deluded I have no words for this stance.
You do not even think there is something wrong in you not wanting your bf to "compartmentilise " his life , you insist on invading every aspect of his life so that he does not have to compartmentalize with an absolutely straight face.
One more thing - if you were as calmly assured about your relationship with him as you keep saying you are(remember the adage :"you said it once , I believed you , you said it twice - I started doubting, you said it three times - I knew you were leing" ?) you would not been in this position. It just would not have happened. You so affected by it all because it rubs your relationship insecurity in your face .
I have prepared no speech - I am saying now the situation has cooled I know the points I need to make and how to make them.
Excuse me, but how does me wanting to be able to socialise with his main group of friends (again as I have said, whom are all couples and whom I get on with) invading every aspect of his life?!
I simply wouldn't be with someone I was insecure about. I've been in unhappy relationships and I wouldn't put myself through them. The fact I have said a few times here that we are happy is because I think it's a important to my story here. Every other aspect of the relationship is great - this is the only thing we seem to butt heads on.0 -
Dozey_crow wrote: »This is a difficult one... I feel for you. I Think she possibly does have a 'thing' for your OH, in terms of liking the thought that he & she could be if she wasn't in a relationship... It's a queen bee thing I think.
I have come across people like her in different circumstances and I think your best bet would be to turn the tables. For instance integrate yourselves with the other couples. Up the ante there, suggest seeing them one to one with your oh and invite none else, invite people to your house but don't extend the invite too far two couples for instance. Attend the social things anyway, presuming they are in public place like a bar. Make a point of standing away from the group (let your oh carry on as normal) and see who comes to talk to you.
Sound strange right? Well my thinking is that you sound lovely from your posts, confident, self assured and easy to get on with. I bet she hates it. I also bet the other women prefer you to her and she knows it.. Hence the digs and put downs. So carry on as you are be yourself, up the ante with the others and she will see what it is like to be in the cold for a while. Then it's up to you to let her back in and help her out if you want to.
Leave your oh to carry on as he does now.. I don't think he will get it and it will drive a wedge between you and there is no need.
PS I presume there is no romantic history between them? If so it might change things a bit. I knew a couple like this and even though they spilt up years before and she moved on she was very domineering towards him and he still has no one else because they can't stick it. Nothing going on as such but she just keeps him just interested enough if you see what I mean phrases like 'none else knows me like you do etc' - ewwww!
Thank you for your post. It's nice to have some understanding as numerous times I have questioned if I am the only person that has ever been in this situation/felt this way.
No romantic history no, she's been with his friend for 6 or so years, before that they knew of each other to say hello to but that's all.0 -
I have prepared no speech - I am saying now the situation has cooled I know the points I need to make and how to make them.
Excuse me, but how does me wanting to be able to socialise with his main group of friends (again as I have said, whom are all couples and whom I get on with) invading every aspect of his life?!
I simply wouldn't be with someone I was insecure about. I've been in unhappy relationships and I wouldn't put myself through them. The fact I have said a few times here that we are happy is because I think it's a important to my story here. Every other aspect of the relationship is great - this is the only thing we seem to butt heads on.
How can every other aspect of your relationship be great if your man doesnt have much underlying respect and loyalty to you?This is the base on what everything is built in a relationship. That to me sounds that your deluding yourself with smoke and mirrors and not looking at the cold hard facts.
Can you really not see them?0 -
I think the reason the OP is GF3 is this woman - she has seen off two girlfriends and is going for the triple! why? because she can!
I agree with others advice - don't play her games and get your guy to 'man up'. but not by argueing with him! she doesn't consult you about get-togethers - so have some of your own with his other friends! keep a close eye on her FB page and any hint of a 'night out' - arrange a dinner party with another couple. or two couples from the group. Do NOT issue any ultimatums to OH. instead, when she disrespects you 'Tut, and say - when is she going to grow up? we aren't in the schoolyard now'. Treat her like a 'spoiled little brat'. and YOU are the adult. Rise above it.
In fairness the first GF mentioned & the split was down to them being unhappy for reasons not to do with this couple. The last ex, she definitely played a part - and because my boyfriend was not in love with the girl, nor very happy the fact his friends would not be around that girlfriend helped in his decision to end things.
It feels like history is repeating itself here - with some big differences, namely our relationship is on a different level to his previous ones, and that I am no walk over.
Your advice to rise above it, and not let it cause rows between us I KNOW is the right thing. It's just very hard when you feel constantly belittled and disrespected.
However - my relationship here is the most important thing, so it's what I need to do.0 -
dandelionclock30 wrote: »How can every other aspect of your relationship be great if your man doesnt have much underlying respect and loyalty to you?This is the base on what everything is built in a relationship. That to me sounds that your deluding yourself with smoke and mirrors and not looking at the cold hard facts.
Can you really not see them?
He has shown his loyalty throughout the situation, and has made it clear to them that if they continue to exclude me he will not be around.
The latest situation is frustrating because he is dealing with it in a different way to how I would. He's unhappy with how I blew up at them and thinks I could've handled it better, so this current ongoing situation, he's annoyed with all 3 of us.
He does also have loyalty to them as longterm friends, and I have to respect that. However, if I heed advice to rise above it, I do think they will show themselves up at some point where his loyalty has no other option but to waiver.0 -
How do you know you weren't invited to her birthday party?
Was your boyfriend told not to bring you along?
The male text my partner and said "I'm inviting people for **** bday and she's said she doesn't want DJS there, sorry I know it's tough for you but don't shoot the messenger".0 -
They are not his friends at all I'm afraid if they are winding up and tormenting you in public. If he had respect for you he would have told them to pack it in with the first comment that was made and if they continued then have had nothing further to do with them.
There is absolutley no way I would let my friends be rude to and take the P out of my partner.
You blew up because you were presumably angry and frustrated and he should be supporting you not blaming you.Hes not 100% committed and in love with you. No way or elce you would be number one. I think he may just be viewing you are a very casual girlfriend not as a proper partner.0
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