Taking almost-4-year-old to a funeral/cremation?

notanewuser · 11 July 2014 at 1:09PM

Just interested in folks' views.

One of DH's grandparents died last night, so we'll be heading up there for the funeral/cremation/wake in the next week or so.

Instinctively I don't think DD should be at the funeral or cremation - this isn't a relative she has a close relationship with and she's at an age where she doesn't quite understand her emotional response to things.

DH gets that, but still thinks she should be there.

I've no issue with her going to the wake.

Because the whole family will be at the funeral her not going to the services means me not going either. I obviously want to support DH, but he'll also have his brothers and parents there. I don't know whether any of the other children will be going or not (they're all younger).

This is all taking place 300 miles from where we live, so leaving DD at home isn't an option, as we'll be there for a few days.

So, what have you done/would you do?

Flugelhorn · 11 July 2014 at 1:13PM

I took a 5 year old to such a service but it was for his grandfather who he knew rather better.
younger sibling was another matter and stayed with a babysitter that a relative had found for us. We weran't out of the house long and all worked out fine - is there a chance that a relative knows of a babysitter you could employ for a few hours ?

Indie_Kid · 11 July 2014 at 1:16PM

My concern would be (although, I imagine most would ignore it) if your child was to laugh or do similar during the service.

Personally, I would get a babysitter.

ska_lover · 11 July 2014 at 1:20PM

I would get a babysitter - as Indie Kid says, small children cannot be guaranteed to behave.

It would be the open displays of grief that I would want to protect a 4 year old from

notanewuser · 11 July 2014 at 1:21PM

Indie_Kid wrote: »

My concern would be (although, I imagine most would ignore it) if your child was to laugh or do similar during the service.

Personally, I would get a babysitter.

She did a huge burp during a prayer at her great-grandmother's (church) funeral, but being 6 or 7 months old most people didn't mind too much (and she certainly doesn't remember anything of it).

Will think about the babysitter idea, but don't like leaving her with someone she's never met somewhere she doesn't really know.

Flugelhorn · 11 July 2014 at 1:26PM

notanewuser wrote: »

Will think about the babysitter idea, but don't like leaving her with someone she's never met somewhere she doesn't really know.

i can understand the concern - at least DC knew the house well. TBH if I was you and it was a fairly distant reative of mine, I would let your DH go with his family and you stay behind - you will only worry all during the service - you can meet up with everyone at the wake - after all that will go on much longer than the service.

Spendless · 11 July 2014 at 1:28PM

This happened to me, my husband's Grandmother died when our son was nearly 4. They had met, but son didn't know her as she lived 100 miles away in a Nursing home as she had dementia. Son was a 'livewire' in those days so I had my reservations about taking him, he was at afternoon nursery and I could have arranged for someone to take him and pick up if the funeral hadn't been arranged for 9am in the morning! I couldn't go as I was unable to find a babysitter from 6am. I still feel upset that I was unable to attend the service. How do you feel about not going if your don't take your LO?

Mojisola · 11 July 2014 at 1:31PM

notanewuser wrote: »

One of DH's grandparents died last night, so we'll be heading up there for the funeral/cremation/wake in the next week or so.

Instinctively I don't think DD should be at the funeral or cremation - this isn't a relative she has a close relationship with and she's at an age where she doesn't quite understand her emotional response to things.

DH gets that, but still thinks she should be there.

I've no issue with her going to the wake.

This is all taking place 300 miles from where we live, so leaving DD at home isn't an option, as we'll be there for a few days.

So, what have you done/would you do?

I would find something to do with her while the funeral is taking place and then join everyone else for the wake.

notanewuser · 11 July 2014 at 1:40PM

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

I think you don't want to go.

No, I don't. I'd much rather she was still alive.

I didn't have a relationship with her. DH did. The only reason I would want to go would be to support him.

Better_Days · 11 July 2014 at 1:42PM

Would it be possible for you and DD to sit right at the back and if she becomes unsettled be prepared to take her out quickly so the service isn't disturbed. Would she sit quietly with a colouring book or a tablet (if you have one) during the service, or does she, like one of my nephews, have 'ants in her pants' and find it very difficult to sit quietly?

If she does find it hard to sit quietly - not unusual for a 4 year old, then can you just wait in the ante room for the whole service?

A lot depends on your DD and also on the attitude of the family towards children at an event such as this. Some may not mind a child being a child, others families may be upset if the child disturbs the service.

venetianlagoon · 11 July 2014 at 1:44PM

I would go and maybe stay at the back of church rather than sit with the family upfront. Or, not go, and just take her to the wake. I wouldn't leave her with a babysitter she didn't know well. Your child, your call.

Taking almost-4-year-old to a funeral/cremation?

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