A Little Advice

Drea

I've avoided posting here for a couple weeks. But a little advice would be good. Typing this in work trying not to get teary!

I'm 21, my boyfriend is 23, we have lived together for just over a year. But for the past few months things have been going so wrong. We have been arguing over every little thing, it's both of us doing that, we've got our backs up so much that anything happens and it gets blown into a full scale argument.

But what's bothering me more is the fact that he dissapears. For example, this weekend. Friday we had an argument, he left to go to watch the game at the pub and cool down, said he wouldn't be home later than 12am, walks in at 5.30am. Last night he finished work at 10pm, he's usually home by 11pm at the latest (when he bothers to come home) but at 11 his phone switched off (as usual) so I locked the door and went to bed, got woke up at 1am with him trying to get in.

I know a lot of people will say 'well he CAN go out' and yea, he can, but he does it all the time, he's away for half the night and his phone is always switched off when he's gone. He'll come back stinking of drink either expecting to just say 'sorry' and that'll be it or just completely ignoring me.

For the past 4 months or so he has pretended to have no credit in his phone so he couldn't phone/text me but last night I had a look through his phone (I know, I know, but I'd had enough) and he has his free texts which means he has had credit. Also a lot of texts from friends I've never heard of about meeting up with him on the Friday just past.

I hid his phone from him (another stupid thing but I was so angry!) and this morning he was going insane trying to get it, but he took mine! So I had to keep a hold of his so that I at least knew the time when I was out and about and had some way of contacting people. I left for work and that was that, heard nothing since. He won't ever listen to me, he just see's red and goes off on one or he completely ignores me, I can sit for hours saying stuff to him and he just ignored me and blocks it all out. Every now and then saying 'shut up, I don't give a !!!!'.

I've pretty much decided this morning that it's over, I can't keep going through this, it's to the point of everytime I leave work I'm so anxious (can actually feel my heart going) in case he isn't at home, and same when he is supposed to be coming home from work. But everytime I decide it's over, I then change my mind! And I'm starting to do it again! I think 'well maybe it'll change' etc. I'm so scared of being alone too, I don't really have friends, lost them all a long time ago. Not sure what to do, I'm getting out of work at 3.30pm today, don't know if he will be home or not, don't know if I should go home or not. I could go to my mum's but I'd need to get home first to get stuff for tomorrow.

Basicly, I don't know what to do! Thanks for reading if you got this far! Any thoughts?

bertiebots

Would you be able to sit downand talk to him? I know its always so easy to say and men can often see this as a confrontation but I think you deserve to know what he is thinking. I always believe that a relationship can only work if you respect each other..but he doesnt sound like he is paying you much respect at the moment by disapearing etc.
You are very young (dont mean to patronise) and should not stay with someone because you fear being alone....you have the world at your feet and if your relationship is over you can start over and do whatever you want. Travel..change career etc etc etc this in turn can lead to wonderful friendships and a better life.
((hugs)) I hope you get yourself sorted.

happyhappygal

My first thoughts??! You don't need this!!!!

You have tried to talk to him about your feelings/anxieties and he has completely ignored you, and also said he doesn't give a ****. It is now time to .....

- take a deep breath
- tell yourself you are much to good for him (you really are!)
- start sorting out a clean break (ie moving back in with parents, dividing up mutually owned stuff, house on market/notice to LL, joint finances etc)
- start looking into some hobbies so you can take your mind off the situation and make new friends at the same time (join social committee at work, the gym, swimming, get a dog??!!?)
- everytime you find yourself wanting him back, try to visualise all of those horrible times when he is not home, when you feel compelled to check/hide his phone, when you try to discuss and he won't listen

Its hard ending a relationship and from reading your message I think you know the end is near...you just need to find some strength to make the move.

You should be living a life of smiles, giggles, enjoyment, happieness, confidence and excitment and at the moment you appear to have very little of that.

Can you seek support from your mum? Any siblings?

Thinking of you...and BE STRONG!!!!!!

YOU ARE FABULOUS! XXXX:T

galvanizersbaby

Hi Drea
Sorry to hear your having such a bad time - are you able to sit down with your OH and discuss (without getting heated) how you are feeling about his going out?
You are both very young and to be honest he does sound like a typical 23 year old lad with his social habits - however if this is making you feel unhappy and insecure then you need to communicate this.

You say you have lost all your friends and are scared of being alone so I am guessing you don't go out much without your OH?
I think you will be surprised at how many of the friends that you thought you'd lost would come back in to your life if you were single.
Lots of people find themselves distanced from friends when they become involved in a serious relationship - it takes effort on your part to maintain the friendships.
If one of your 'lost' friends called you in floods of tears now would you turn her away? x

Drea

I can talk until I'm blue in the face. He'll never open up and tell me what's going on. I didn't mean to make it sound like I'm only with him because I don't want to be alone, I do love him. I just don't know if I can keep letting him put me through all this over and over. I feel like he's walking all over me and I keep on letting him. I know I'm still young, but I just don't see how I can meet new friends, etc. I just got a good job a couple months back so plan on being here for a while but it's just a small business, nobody that I can really be friends with.

KittyKate

I'm assuming you've had enough rows and 'little chats' with him to last you a lifetime. Only you knows when to call it a day and you sound quite resolute.

Lots of men deal with their issues by running away (mine's the opposite, he sits and sulks!). The running away kind are hardest to deal with because there is little you can do to stop them going, and nothing you can do when they are.

He sounds a little bit immature - and believe me, that's nothing to do with age. It might be that he feels a bit trapped (not your fault at all - I mean trapped with responsibility). If he wants to go out and get p*ssed and not have to answer to anyone, to the point of fibbing about his phone, well, let him, quite frankly. Wait until he does another disappearing act, pack a bag, and leave.

Drea

happyhappygal wrote: »

Its hard ending a relationship and from reading your message I think you know the end is near...you just need to find some strength to make the move.

Exactly, I just don't have that strength though!

You've all got me crying! Just as well everyone else is in a big meeting next door. Hopefully they'll take their time.

Mips

You're too young for this !!!!!!

Magpye

It sounds like you have already given this bloke a lot of chances, and I'm sorry, but I don't believe he is just a 'typical' 23 yo man, a lot of people that age can and do have relationships which don't involve them going out all night with their phone switched off (why do you think he does this, btw?) and generally treating their partner like a spare part. You seem to have set a pattern of letting him do what he wants and he will strongly resent any attempt to make him change his ways... if it makes you this unhappy, then your best option is to make an absolute clean break if you cannot make him see your point of view. It may be that he is simply very selfish and does not consider other's feelings in the slightest, and therefore doesn't see what he's doing wrong.

You are young, but I know from experience it can be very daunting 'losing' all your friends. I would suggest maybe doing an evening class at the local college or joining a gym if time and money allow; these are both great ways to meet people with the same interests. It does sound like you have some self confidence issues which are perhaps affecting your social life, in which case these will only get worse if you don't address them sooner rather than later.

LillyJ

I am 23 and my OH is 24, but he would never act like that. We are both very independent and have our own sets of friends as well as mutual ones who we go out with together. But I still have (lots!) of girly nights out and he goes out with the lads. But he tells me when he is going out; if it is after work he just sends a text or whatever, and me the same to him, just so we aren't ringing round hospitals etc!

He is a policeman so sometimes is late from work due to an emergency but he tries to ring if he can (sometimes it's impossible). The only thing that annoys me is I worry he has been injured at work. But the fact is he makes the effort.

I think you need to find some friends, go and join a club or something, at 21 there are tons of ways to make friends. Where are your friends from before? I just don't believe you have no friends, I know I wouldn't survive 5 minutes without mine, there must be people you can call one?

It seems a lost cause to me, get out now, you are miserable.

I always say that the point of a relationship is to make you happy. If it makes you miserable for more of the time than it makes you happy, then what is the point?

I take it you have no kids?

Drea

No, no kids, just a cat!

I can still text my old friends but we never meet up anymore, we don't really have anything in common anymore to be honest... it was like that a while before I met my boyfriend so it isn't because of that. They are still all about going out every night getting drunk whereas I've not had money for the past couple years to do that and I just didn't want to anyway.