deep in debt and husband dosn't know

loopylou3

I feel really desperate and alone at the moment and don't feel i can tell anyone about my problems so thought maybe i would just be able to tell my story on here and see if anybody is going through or has been through the same.

I owe a total of £30,700 on an unsecured loan and credit cards.

I have been a stay at home mum to 3 kids and hubby gives me £500 a month for myself. I use this for kids clothes, treats, days out and also to pay dd for contact lenses, car insurance, pre-school fees for our youngest. I have always had credit cards which used to pay off using some of the £500.

Things have been getting tighter over the last couple of years but i couldn't work because of childcare costs for 3 kids. Hubby constantly moaning about money and i felt guilty about extra things we've had to pay for so have ended up offering to pay for bills, nights out etc. All of this added up and i got a loan to clear the credit cards but not long after they were cleared i used them again and now find myself in this horrible situation. I know i have been soooo stupid but now the the money he gives me is swallowed up by the repayments, and now again i have had to get cash out on the credit card which makes the debt worse. I can't tell him because i know we'll end up splitting up and he'll tell everyone the reason. I'm so ashamed. Our youngest goes to school in september and i will be working from home earning about £900 a month so will be a bit better off. Have thought about applying for an unsecured loan of £25.000 which would be cheaper than paying all the debts individually. I can't eat or sleep for worrying at the moment.

MrsTinks

I know you don't want to hear this but eventually you are going to have to tell him - you're supposed to be a team and work together to look after your family. Maybe it would be better however to go to him with a problem where you already have a solution so why not start with an SOA so we can see where we're at and what migth be the best solution to your problems?
Getting an allowance from your husband seems a little odd to me and something I only advise after a debt problem has been recognised and as a pretty extreem measure to curb spending.
I think moving forward you need to try and work and think as a team - easier said than done I am sure... but carrying the burden like this isn't healthy for your kids either.

Start with an SOA and let's see where we're at http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

Runnybabbit

Hi Loopylou3, Firstly welcome to the board and well done for having the courage to share your worries. Many of us here are going through the same as yourself, I am, and will give you loads of help and support. Now comes the hard part, hubby, and believe you me I thought the same, he's going to leave me etc, and completely the opposite happened. He hugged me, cried with me, and said "we're married, I spent the money too, so we will challenge this together", a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, if you need any hugs please PM me. Good Luck

Horace

Hi and welcome to the forum. Unfortunately, I know nothing about loans and I am sure that someone will soon be along that knows about these things. However, in the meantime, please can you list your SOA (statement of affairs) so that we can see where you can save money or cut corners.

NUFCnutter

I really feel for you. You must be so worried. Follow Mrs Tine's advice. She is fantastic. If you need it as well, remember relate are a great help in marriage problems.

doodledo_2

Hi and welcome to the board.

As others have said I do think you need to speak to your husband although I know how hard this will be.

I kept our finances from my hubby and to be honest I regret it now as he was unaware of the situation and carried on spending. Whereas once he knew the situation I got him on board and now with debt bust together. If he had known sooner I know we wouldn't be as much in debt as we are.

If you can post an SOA up with details of all your incomings and outgoings and the debts and APRs and we can see if we can see any areas you can maybe reduce your outgoings.

Maybe once hubby knows things will be easier if you pool together your monies and attack the debt.

WorkingHardDFW

Hi loopylou3 and welcome

You have taken the first steps forward in this situation by recognising you've got a problme. The folks on here have been in most situations and will offer some great support and advice.

From an outsiders perspective I would say that having £30k of debt can't just have come from you alone so tackling the problem with your husband must be the way forward although I don't doubt that will be difficult for you.

We've run up £50K worth of debt just from generally living beyound our means. Apart from a couple of things I can't see where its gone but we certainly spent it. By having a realistic and detailed budget and by keeping a spending diary we've finally managed to live within our means. We've changed the habits of years which got us into debt in the first place. Its not been easy but its been worth it.

Good luck and keep posting the support you will get will be invaluable.:cool:

dottyanne

Hi perhaps you can jump on my thread and give me some tips - im finding it hard to live within our means with a fluctuatingincome ! :-(

caroline789

Well done for coming on here and admitting your debt, it's scary when you add it all up isn't it!

When I finally sat down for the first time and added up all my debt, I sobbed my heart out when it reached £26, 000.

Tell your OH, you won't believe the relief you will feel to finally get it off your chest. It took me years to actually tell my parents what was going on (out of pride more than anything) but once it was out in the open and being dealt with, I could relax.

Good luck and be brave x

mountainofdebt

I was in your situation a couple of weeks ago when a conversation with OH led to him wanting (demanding?) to see all the statements and him then realsiing what our situation.

Yes the proverbal did hit the fan and the fallout is still settling, so it won't be easy.

That said, OH has come shopping with me and I think, for the first time has realised what things cost so that's the good news.

Also, for the first time we looked at all our outgoings and realised that alot of money was being spent on things that we could live without (do we really need that dvd subscription?

Martin in one of his articles has given some excellent advice for us secret debtors - I will try and do a search and post the link here later, if no-one else posts it in the meantime.

fermi

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Martin in one of his articles has given some excellent advice for us secret debtors - I will try and do a search and post the link here later, if no-one else posts it in the meantime.

Here I think: http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan

Are you hiding your debts??

Many people hide their debts, sometimes even from themselves, by not opening statements or not totalling their liabilities. If that’s you, don’t worry, the fact you're reading this article means you're ready to take the next step. You can only sort your debts out if you know the scale of them.

Yet if you're hiding your debts from your partner or loved ones, and are very scared of telling them, then my suggestion is to read through the solutions first, work out the basics of what you're going to do, and go to them with an action plan.

It’s much easier that way and remember; if you're prepared to take action the question isn't "will I ever get through this?", but "when will I be through this?"

Are your debts causing depression/relationship problems?

Debt problems can be all pervasive - if you're having problems it can hit your relationship and your personal wellbeing. If you're feeling depressed then the Samaritans is always there to help either through its website or on the phone (08457 90 90 90). If you're worried about your relationship then Relate has lots of useful info too.