deep in debt and husband dosn't know

pipdebtfree

loopylou3 wrote: »

I feel really desperate and alone at the moment and don't feel i can tell anyone about my problems so thought maybe i would just be able to tell my story on here and see if anybody is going through or has been through the same.

I owe a total of £30,700 on an unsecured loan and credit cards.

I have been a stay at home mum to 3 kids and hubby gives me £500 a month for myself. I use this for kids clothes, treats, days out and also to pay dd for contact lenses, car insurance, pre-school fees for our youngest. I have always had credit cards which used to pay off using some of the £500.

Things have been getting tighter over the last couple of years but i couldn't work because of childcare costs for 3 kids. Hubby constantly moaning about money and i felt guilty about extra things we've had to pay for so have ended up offering to pay for bills, nights out etc. All of this added up and i got a loan to clear the credit cards but not long after they were cleared i used them again and now find myself in this horrible situation. I know i have been soooo stupid but now the the money he gives me is swallowed up by the repayments, and now again i have had to get cash out on the credit card which makes the debt worse. I can't tell him because i know we'll end up splitting up and he'll tell everyone the reason. I'm so ashamed. Our youngest goes to school in september and i will be working from home earning about £900 a month so will be a bit better off. Have thought about applying for an unsecured loan of £25.000 which would be cheaper than paying all the debts individually. I can't eat or sleep for worrying at the moment.

Hello Looplou3, I know exactly how your feeling, back in march I was in the same situation my commonlaw husband did`nt know I was in debt with a loan and 3 credit cards all reaching my credit limit and feeling like I could`nt take any more I joined this forum for advice and everyone was been extremely helpful with advice saying I needed to tell my OH. So in the end I plucked up the courage to send a text message (the only way I could do it) and told my OH that I was in a mess with finances and needed his help to sort out. Yes he did absolutely hit the roof and we ended up sitting down going through my finances, he also took my credit cards off me and took over some of my d/d`s for sky and car insurance. He also took over buying all the food. I was`nt recieving any help from my partner I was basically living off credit cards to get by including buying food on them, paying for fuel etc but also in the end taking money out on one credit card to pay the other. I was working at the time but only 12 hrs a week, initially I was working 20 hrs but my hours were cut hense getting into a mess even further. I owe £15,000 and have recently taken on another part time job with a 16 hr contract as my 12 hr contract is working 2 nights a week so get night allowance. My OH has taken everything over and left me with the money I`m earning to pay all my credit cards. I`ve taken Martin`s advice and am as we speak trying to sort a 0% balance transfer as this is better that taking a loan.

I feel so much better about speaking out and thing`s are slowly sorting out, so the best thing to do is tell your husband as I know how your feeling as I have 2 children and I felt like I was taking my mood out on my children and intimacy and sleeping was been affected also. I`m here if you need to speak. Pip

tuggy

I've read all of this - hope everything is going OK and update everyone soon...

gettingbetter

hi

just popped in to see how things were

Kalamaker

I haven't had this problem myself, but my mother did when I was younger. But in her case, she wanted her children, my brother and I, to have not only the things we needed, but also the things we wanted as well. She tried to give my brother and I a life that she never had. The side effect of that was two spoiled kids and a husband who found out that all his hard earned money was being spent on crap and decided to divorce her. The silver lining in all of this is that I realized what I shouldn't and wouldn't do in my own marriage. Hope everything works out well for you.

Forgetmenot68

Hi loopylou, I'm new to the board as well. Been here a week and it's been a very steep learning curve! I won't offer advice because there are very many people here who are are much wiser and better informed than me, but I wanted to offer you support in talking to your husband.

I was kind of in the reverse situation to you, in that my husband hadn't told me quite how bad things had become, until things forcibly came to light last week. Of course I was furious, felt let down and frustrated (an understatement!) But the dust has settled a bit now and we talked very frankly last night. He told me for the first time that every month he agonised about how he was going to pay our credit card bills which have become enormous, and what a relief it is that it is finally out in the open. We lost our daughter to leukaemia a little while ago, and I think he thought he couldn't add to our troubles by talking about our debt. I should have been more aware, and I blame myself for that, because I was spending money too, and actually I feel awful after our conversation last night that he was carrying all this on his own. You can look at my thread on this board to see what a mess we got into. I truly believe now I'm no longer angry (pointless emotion, except that it gave me the energy to move forward), that tackling this together will make us stronger as a couple, and that it could be so for your husband and you too.

Well done for the scary act of posting on this board as the first step - I'm sure you'll find it the godsend that I have. Facing up to debt is "empowering" to use a dubious American expression, and with each step you'll feel as though you're regaining control. Ignoring it hasn't made the problem go away and almost always makes things worse, and you've realised that so that's fantastic.

Good luck. You truly are not alone. The people here are wondeful and have been through a similar thing to you and will offer more support than you ever dreamed possible.

Forgetmenot68 xx

loopylou3

oh what lovely people you are!!! I don't know what i would do without this board. I really want to experience the releif you have described once you've told your partner/husband/wife. I can't carry this on my shoulders anymore because it is affecting my moods. Snapping at the children etc. Also, at the moment i feel my marraige is a sham. Reading the posts i feel i can identify with the mother who wanted to give her kids everything she didn't have. My children are also becoming spoilt because they have just got everything they've wanted. We all have really - but what a price i will have to pay for it now. I am going to tell my husband over the weekend hopefully. I might need some help mopping up the tears tho!!

Runnybabbit

loopylou3 wrote: »

oh what lovely people you are!!! I don't know what i would do without this board. I really want to experience the releif you have described once you've told your partner/husband/wife. I can't carry this on my shoulders anymore because it is affecting my moods. Snapping at the children etc. Also, at the moment i feel my marraige is a sham. Reading the posts i feel i can identify with the mother who wanted to give her kids everything she didn't have. My children are also becoming spoilt because they have just got everything they've wanted. We all have really - but what a price i will have to pay for it now. I am going to tell my husband over the weekend hopefully. I might need some help mopping up the tears tho!!

Hi Lou, it's so good to hear from you hun. I've left a little 'note' for you on another thread, which is similar to yours, good luck with telling him, we will all be here for you darlin, Babbit x

pretzelgirl

loopylou3 wrote: »

oh what lovely people you are!!! I don't know what i would do without this board. I really want to experience the releif you have described once you've told your partner/husband/wife. I can't carry this on my shoulders anymore because it is affecting my moods. Snapping at the children etc. Also, at the moment i feel my marraige is a sham. Reading the posts i feel i can identify with the mother who wanted to give her kids everything she didn't have. My children are also becoming spoilt because they have just got everything they've wanted. We all have really - but what a price i will have to pay for it now. I am going to tell my husband over the weekend hopefully. I might need some help mopping up the tears tho!!

hi hun hope things will work out well for you,im sure it wont be as awful as you are imagining,we are all here for you,and many of us are going through similar situations.the people on this forum offer wonderful help and advice and dont judge,
i myself was in a position like your husbands,my oh had debts from before we met and was ashamed to tell me as ive always been careful with money,when he told me i was shocked ,but said we are a team and we will sort it together,hope your oh will feel the same,my heart go,s out to you.

joeyjac

Hi loopylou3,

I have been in a very similar situation to yours. Unfortunately before I got the courage to tell my DH he found out! Things weren't great for a while but now we're back on track.

All I can say is please tell him asap, my DH said he would of found that less hurtful than finding out i had lied.

Thinking of you, if you ever need to talk you're welcome to pm me.

(((hugs)))

loopylou3

Hi everyone. Well, i did it. I told him over the weekend. He went crazy for a while but once he calmed down he listened. I told him i wasn't going to take ALL the blame because the money had gone on all of the family and we were living beyond our means. I told him of my DMP action plan too. I have to say that having an action plan helped calm the storm a lot!!. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. The feeling of releif you all described was so true and i feel like i can smile again. My husband said he is not at all happy about the debt but he is happy i owned up before he found out. He said he loves me and feels terrible that i was so afraid to tell him. He is going to help me with the repayments until we have our new mortgage sorted out and then i will sort out a DMP.

I want to thank all of you that replied to my posts for your support because without you, i wouldn't have been brave enough to tell him. Now that i have, i can move on and actually sort these debts out and have a life. :j