HELLO From New Zealand

chevalier

Well it has been a mad 24 hours.

As some of you will know, I have a wedding to attend in April in Spain. We have been mulling round and round whether to go or not. Eventually I lost my patience and sent OH a list of 10 reasons to go. It was a good list, full of cogent points, rather than an emotional blackmail list.

It worked:j, we are now going to go to the wedding. I was SO PLEASED AND HAPPY as I was COMING HOME. He then asked me how long did I expect to be there. To which I replied that I didn't know as I would have to make a list of things we would want (as a family) to do.

Fast forward to this evening. We HAVE to sort out what days my mum is going to make her yearly appearance. At least in this I have got OH on side, that last year was too long.

So we sorted dates for that, but it got us onto the subject of dates for the trip. The wedding is the 26th. Term ends the 19th April and goes back the 9th May or something like that. So I figured 3 weeks of actually being in country would be fine.

OH thinks this is proposterous. He shouted at me that he didn't want to be in Europe that long, that he didn't want to drag round loads of people while we were there, that he could see plenty of his family in 2 weeks thank you and on and on and on. I was so upset. He KNOWS how sad I am here, and how I desparately want to come home for good, and yet here when I had a chance for a decent amount of time in Europe, he has cut my feet from under me.

He even said that the DS's should just go with him for the 2 weeks, and I could stay for longer if I wanted. But I wanted to visiting and have people come visit AS A FAMILY. !!!!!! they are HIS friends too and most of the family we would see would be HIS. He has turned my happiness into ashes.

In the end I had to get out of the room, I couldn't physically talk about it anymore. If I had then all the bitterness and anger about my situation would have come out, and there would have been no going back from that.

I never thought I would say this, but I worry that my marriage is now in serious trouble.....

Gutted

chevalier

And the best thing about it is that if we only go for 2 weeks, he creates the very situation he wants to avoid. Where we are travelling solidly pretty much every day.

2 days there and back that leaves 10 days left. day there and back to the wedding. 2 days for the wedding. that leaves 6 days.

day with my sister and new bub, 5 days.
day at legoland, as this is the only thing my DS's REALLY want to do when we go back 4 days.

Absolutely have to see my elderly aunty 3 days but she is in plymouth so really it would take 2, which leaves 2 days

So that two days to recover from jetlag, try and fit in a shopping trip (would genuinely save a fortune getting the boys stuff from tesco, asda etc)

And he wants an easy trip.

Still gutted. Seriously wonder if we have a future.

beanielou

So sorry that things are so tough at the moment.
Keep plodding xx

RosiePuddingPaws

Long time lurker here but I didn't want to read and run.

This is so difficult for you and only you can know what is best for you. The problem (as you know) is that you are not settled over there and he obviously is. You refer to attending the wedding as "coming home" when, realistically, it isn't really. Well, not yet. And your OH obviously thinks of where you are as home.

I so hope things work out for you. Sadly it didn't for me and we were only planning to emigrate. Things are more complicated for you as you have children, which makes any decision even harder.

((hugs)) is about all I can add.

RPP

Piquant_2

Dearest, dearest chev, I want to cry for you. What a horrible time you're having. I wish I could help you.

I think Rosie has summed it up very succinctly, he's at home, you're not. Only you know if your marriage is worth saving and whether the price of saving it is staying where you are.

Bottling up all that anger and bitterness is not a good thing either, it will fester inside you and not help you make any objective decisions. It will colour your everyday life if you let it and there are good things out there, things to enjoy.

Keep posting on here, lovely. It will let some of the anger out and may help clarify your thoughts.

Piq

missrlr

Honey just found this diary,must have been ostrich like for a while ..... How about you listing out the events as you have in your post and then asking what he doesn't want to do or at you add in a bit more time just for family stuff?
He probably knows deep down you are not happy and maybe thinks if you go back then he may lose you?
Chin up x

LAM2011

Hi Chev,
I recently started reading your diary (I am trying to catch up with everyone as I feel I am getting to know everyone now) but never got round to posting.

Your latest post makes me so sad - how frustrating for you. If it doesnt feel like home it never will be. The first time I moved to the UK I never settled and my then partner and I had troubles. I went back to South Africa and returned when I was ready a year later. My son adapted wonderfully and we have gone on to live here for 12 years now and it really feels like home. Its so hard when family is so far away.

I hope things come right for you. Hugs in the meantime. x

please-let-me-be-lucky

Hi Chev,

I think everyone has already summed up what I wanted to say, but just wanted to add I am thinking of you. Hugs Xx

HeadAboveWater

Aw sorry to hear things are so tough

I agree with Rosie too - he's at home and you're not. And as missrlr says, maybe he is worried that if you do go 'home' then you'll want to stay. Not a nice position to be in.

I do think you need to have a think about everything: your life and what's important to you, your marriage and what you want and need from it, and what's important to your family.

Do post on here if it helps you get your thoughts together (or just vent!).

Thinking about you too *hug*

brizzledfw

Thinking of you Chev..hope he and you can talk about it more soon. Sounds like you are, emotionally speaking, in very different places. Great pity but 15 years or so of marriage in I definitely know it happens all too easily. Sometimes I get so furious at my OH I could scream but it tends to make him retreat even further. If you possibly can then chipping away, and being tactical about the reasons why it's better to go for longer ( and easier all round) might work best. Maybe some time as just you, him and the kids in Europe might also help convince him? And be nice as well?

Take care hun