Disinterestd Grandparents - Advice?

neverdespairgirl

gozaimasu wrote: »

Seeing grandparents on a monthly basis should be enough, if not a little too often in my opinion. Seeing them on a visit with you, their own child, might seem like less of a chore than just being dumped with the kids.

I find that really sad. I had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother, and wouldn't have had that if I'd seen her once a month. When I was at uni, I still went to visit her about twice every 3 weeks.

My parents are important to me, and their family (including my son) is important to them. For example, we went to Israel in November, and again in April, and my mother came with us both times. Not because we wanted her to babysit - she didn't, once. We all 4 did things together, and a couple of times OH took DS off and my mother and I did stuff together.

vix2000

in 1999 i had a major op for the most aggressive breast cancer. I was devastated that I may have to leave my 3 girls, but also that I'd never see my grandkids. Well, my oldest daughter had a baby girl on bonfire night 2005. I can't describe how happy I was. Luckily my daughter and i are very close, and her partner is great. I see my GD nearly every day, and she usually stays over once a week. My daughter is now having twins so I regularly take over with GD to give her a break. I am very grateful that they let me take her away for the weekend or out for the day. We also do a lot of things together as a family.
Your parents don't know what they're missing. They don't need to put their lives on hold to build a relationship with their grandkids, but they can never get this precious time back. My GDs paternal grandparent live 10 mins away but never see her. They can go months on end without seeing her, and to be honest, she doesn't know them or have names for them. My daughter says I should be happy because it means I can have her when I want and theres noone else to consider, but I personally feel sorry that shes missing out on a relationship with 2 sets of grandparents. I also am a bit miffed at them snubbing her like this as shes so sweet and well behaved (mostly) but I'm biased!!!!
I accept we're not all baby/kiddie people but you can't force them to have a relationship with your kids. I agree with you, its their loss not yours, and think of all the joy they're missing, school concerts, carol concerts, going to see santa at christmas etc.
As for the ethos that they've got rid of their kids and want to live their own life, I've always accepted that 'kids are for life not just christmas' and surely even when they leave the nest, your kids, and eventually grandkids become part of that life, or am I missing something?

fitzmum

Thanks again everyone for your replies.

I should perhaps add that I do have a wonderful Mother In Law so all is not lost as far as grandparent contact for the children. She is a little older than my parents and isn't in fantastic health but is completely brilliant with the children.
She takes them to school once or twice a month (the helping out bit!) but comes to our house every few days as if she doesn't she says she gets to missing the children too much. We visit her lots too - she comes on holiday with us as she is widowed and would'nt go away if she didn't come with us. She comes to all the childrens concerts , special occasions and is just a great nanny to them and we all love her dearly.

So why can't I get my head around the fact that my parents are not like that? I wish I could let it go but like I said earlier I think a lot of what i'm feeling is linked to my own rejection too.

January20

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

Don't most g-parents want to spend time with their g-children, though?

Probably yes but that doesn't mean that all parents should be expected to look after their g-children. Also, I replying to the post by hobo28 (post 2) about a specific set of grandparents who seemed more intent on enjoying their life than helping their son with his children. I don't see anything wrong with this and feel it is unfair that they should be critisised for their choice of lifestyle

Of course most grandparents probably want to spend time with their g-children, but I also know that a lot of them put their life on hold to babysit for their children - I work in adult education so have some experience of this.

I'm not saying it is wrong IF if it is what they want to do, but I feel it is not wrong or selfish for a person in their 50s or 60s to want to have a life of their own and not necessarily want to look after their grandchildren.

As someone as said previously, you choose to have children not grandchildren. Also looking after other people's children is a very tiring job, and a great responsibility even if you are related to them.

neverdespairgirl

sloughflint wrote: »

Can anyone define normal or a normal family?
Clearly you were trying to answer OP's specific question
It seems you have the type of family life that fitsmum would love to have, but is it normal? Or just an ideal?

It's what seems normal to me, which is all I can say, really - OH's relationship with his grandparents was a bit different from mine, because they all lived in Israel and he was here in the UK, but he spent about 8 - 10 weeks a year in Israel (quite a lot of that on his own, staying with his g-parents) and they all visited the UK at least yearly as well.

Of my close mates, close and frequent contact with g-parents seems to have been the norm.

RoxieW

My MIL has our two boys on average prob 4 x year for a weekend. They do have their own lives, both work and go on lots of holidays but they never say no to us when we ask. That said, they don't offer their services!
They had the boys for us for 10 days while we went on honeymoon and I dont think they were over the moon about it but when hubby was little they used to send him and his brother off for 2 weeks with the grandparents so what goes around comes around! I was also palmed off on my grandparents every weekend from Fri to Sun.
They're not the typical 'doting' grandparents but they do love our boys and are great with them. Its lovely to see Grumps showing them his motorbikes (told you they weren't typical!).
I don't think its too much to ask for the odd weekend every now and again. That said, I see many grandparents at the park who are the primary carers whilst mum and dad go out to work and I think this is wrong and a total !!!! take. If you can't afford or arrange proper childcare then you cant afford to do the job or shifts that you do. At the end of the day, your job has to fit around your family and it shouldn't be expected of a family member to pick up the slack.

Elle00

Hi Fitzmum,

I'm sorry that on top of dealing with your problems you've then had to get a few really rather nasty responses on this thread to boot. I think you've done well not to let it get to you in all honesty given how some of the posts clearly didn't even read your initial post properly (like the once every 3m bit).

Anyway, you've had some great advice on how to try to find alternative care for when you need it - especially from Nenen.

I just thought I'd post to add that I know how you feel to an extent. Like yours, my Mother never really loved or wanted me. She criticised everything I did and was forever screeching at me, putting me down and whacking me one. She was offered the chance to meet her only grandchild a few times shortly after the birth but she couldn't be bothered. It was at that point I realised that actually, what on earth would my child gain from having that looney tune in his life anyway?!

Luckily my son does have two brilliant grandparents on his Dad's side though. I'm divorced but the ex's parents have been around since my son was 24hrs old; even when the ex himself hasn't been consistent - they have. They're what good grandparents should be I think; they love him, encourage him, love playing with him etc.

They try to help me out where they can but of course they can't always. When they can help I say "thanks very much" and when they can't I say "okay, not to worry, thanks anyway". They're retired and spend time with him when they can and when they want to and go about their own lives the rest of the time. So it's not at all like raising kids again as some have suggested - they raised their own kids 24/7 (and still do their 35yr old son!) but they're around for their grandson about 1/2 a day a week. So it's good involvement for a grandparent but it's nowhere near what a parent does for their own child.

My son is coming up for 3yrs old and goes bananas everytime he sees them. It's ever so lovely to watch him running up screeching "Graaannnnnnyyyyyy" with his arms up for a cuddle.

If my Mother was in his life though, it'd be more like the picture you paint of your 5yr old. It'd be all awkwardness and upset. I've raised my little boy to be loving and cuddly and friendly. He just wouldn't understand the reaction he'd get from my Mother.

It is hard though, no matter how old you are, when it comes to moving on from childhood rejection. It seems the norm that your parents love you and want what's best for you but some parents just don't. I found the best way to deal with it all was to cut my losses and put the past behind me, Mother and all. You already know that life is what you make of it.

Loretta

fitzmum wrote: »

Thanks again everyone for your replies.

I should perhaps add that I do have a wonderful Mother In Law so all is not lost as far as grandparent contact for the children. She is a little older than my parents and isn't in fantastic health but is completely brilliant with the children.
She takes them to school once or twice a month (the helping out bit!) but comes to our house every few days as if she doesn't she says she gets to missing the children too much. We visit her lots too - she comes on holiday with us as she is widowed and would'nt go away if she didn't come with us. She comes to all the childrens concerts , special occasions and is just a great nanny to them and we all love her dearly.

So why can't I get my head around the fact that my parents are not like that? I wish I could let it go but like I said earlier I think a lot of what i'm feeling is linked to my own rejection too.

You have hit the nail on the head with 'why can't I get my head around', that is what you have to do. Maybe with some counselling or maybe just thinking like you are beginning to now, or talking about it with your MIL, she sounds like a very caring person who I am sure wouold listen. Once your have worked out that your parents are never going to change, they were like it with you and are now like it with your children, that is the way THEY are and there is nothing you can do about it, they can only help themselves if they want to, it is up to them.

Once you can accept this it will not worry you any more, the problem will go away.

You seem to have a happy marriage, a good husband, children you adore and a great MIL, you are working and are able to afford a holiday, you seem happy in your job. That's a lot of good things in your life so enjoy it all. Forget your parents, one bad thing in your whole life isn't too bad.

You see your Dad at work, that's good keep that up, he seems to be happy with that. People have said that your children are not your mother's responsibility, well your mother is not your responsibility, she is only in her 50's, she has a husband who waits on her hand and foot and a son who lives at home. Visiting her does not make you, your children or her happy so I wouldn't bother any more, life is too short. You would not be neglecting her, she has people to look after her. Your children won't be around for long, time goes by so fast in life, if you work as well your spare time is very limited, just make the most of the good bits and forget about the bits you can't change

You have a lot going for you

Good luck

Nenen

Elle83 wrote: »

Hi Fitzmum,
It was at that point I realised that actually, what on earth would my child gain from having that looney tune in his life anyway?

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:Sorry... I just couldn't help laughing at that turn of phrase!

However, being serious for a moment, I agree entirely. My sister and I had a similar upbringing to Fitzmum's (i.e. completely inconsistent, with far too much rejection and criticism, not to mention screaming fits and beatings). When we grew up we both reacted in very different ways... At first I did everything I could to please my mother and for a long while I tried everything to 'make' my mother love me and my children. However, when I saw the awful way she treated my beautiful toddlers (I had three under-fives) whenever we visited (she'd never bother to come to see us despite being perfectly able to go and visit friends and a set of rich relatives) I finally realised that it was damaging them having so much contact with her and so restricted going to once or twice per year. As far as I'm concerned that's more than enough and even then it appears to be too much for my mother! It also became apparent that I too was much happier in myself when my contact with my mother was limited and I'm sure that benefited my children too.

My sister on the other hand continued to force herself upon my mother, leaving her in charge of her two children whenever she could. I think my sister hoped that forcing the contact would change my mother somehow. Needless to say it didn't! My mother continued being an absolute c0w to my sister as well as to my niece and nephew and caused no end of grief and angst between them (she really is very manipulative and plays one off against another etc).

Now my children are 22, 21 and 18 and, although I'm obviously biased, they are all lovely, well-rounded individuals who know they are beloved by us and make us very, very proud! However, my sister's two children (now aged 21 and 17) have both unfortunately 'gone off the rails' (both expelled from more than one school, constantly fighting and in trouble with police.... the younger one is now in care having gone completely out of control and hit her mother).

Now I know my sister has to take some (if not all) responsibility for what has happened to her children but I can honestly say that, had I not removed my children and myself from my mother's influence, I'm quite sure that my children could have been similarly harmed. To paraphrase Elle, 'what on earth would my children have gained from having that looney tune in their lives anyway?'

MXW

Following on to my earlier post............I married my son's father when he was 2. I had a small wedding in a local hotel, my dad agreed to have my son overnight after the wedding reception. On the day before the wedding he told me he was not prepared to have my son as he had invited his friends to my wedding and he wanted "a good night", he told me my child was my resposibility not his. I ended up ringing up the hotel and having a childs bed put into the bridal suite, he was so unsettled during the night, we ended up having him between us in bed on our wedding night, I missed the buffet and most of the night as I was trying to get him to sleep (in my wedding dress) in unfamilar surroundings. During the day of my wedding I had to ask my neighbour to have my son so I could go to the hairdressers and get ready for my wedding. If you asked my:mad: dad what kind of a grandparent he was...........he would be a fantastic one.............and really beleive it!!!!!