Disinterestd Grandparents - Advice?

sunday_girl

fitzmum wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies. I think I'll have to change my shifts and adopt the attitude that if they don't want to spend time with their grandchildren its entirely their loss.

It just frustrates me to see my mum sit & sleep in front of the telly all day on her backside when my husband & I work so hard to make our little family happy & cared for. I just felt it wouldn't be too much to expect them to help us out now & again.....I was obviously wrong. It seems that there are a lot of people out there that wash their hands of their children & their children too as soon as they are adults.

However, I know that I could never be like that with MY children.

FWIW I don't think you are expecting too much at all and entirely agree with you. It must be very upsetting for you that they do not seem to 'want' to spend time with you and your children. I agree that the only way you can look at it is that it's their loss. Parenting is a lifelong job, not one that is finished after 16/17/18 years and if one has chosen to become a parent then surely it is reasonable to expect that one may have the role of grandparent at some point in the future.

teeni

Parenting is a lifelong job, not one that is finished after 16/17/18 years and if one has chosen to become a parent then surely it is reasonable to expect that one may have the role of grandparent at some point in the future.[/quote]

Yes it is a lifelong job and it is reasonable to expect to become a GRAND parent in the future, However the important word here is GRAND parent, Just because you expect the pleasure of being a grand parent does not mean you have to take on the responsibility of the parents role.

You have already done that once with your children.

It is not selfish to want to live your life for yourself and not for someone else when you have children you know you have a lifeling job of being a parent but you expect the responsibility that comes with that to reduce as the children grow.

My own very wonderful grandmother always told me that you should give your children wings to fly and roots to ensure good foundation. she never said I had to give up my life for ever because i had children.

Nenen

fitzmum wrote: »

To be honest, when I think about the bigger picture its like the pain of being rejected by them myself when I was a teenager is still there & I feel sad & mad that they would do it to my children too. Theres a lot of unresolved issues too...thats the problem as well I suppose....

Yes, I'll change my shifts - that way I can leave them get on with it & we can get on with our lives. It will be entirely their loss sadly as now they'll probably only see the children at Christmas & birthdays.

I think you have hit the nail on the head re your clear insight about your mum's attitude to your children rekindling the pain of rejection you felt as a child yourself. I would guess from your posts that your mum has been depressed and unable to show any care for you for a very long time.

Whilst I can understand some of the points raised by PPs, I would hazard a guess many of them have little idea what it is like to survive a childhood like that and how the longing for warm and loving parents never quite goes away, indeed it can be heightened by seeing your own children rejected. When you were a child you probably blamed yourself to some extent for your mum's reaction to you but when you can see your own innocent and lovely children being treated in a similar way it becomes unbearable. Whilst it may not be your mum's 'fault' that she was/is ill and unable to cope with her depression and mood swings I know only too well how difficult it is for children who have/had a depressed Mum.

It becomes even more difficult when you go on to have children, probably hoping that this will please your mum at long last, only to find that nothing has changed! What makes this even worse is when you see so many other grandparents doting on their grandchildren and only too keen and willing to spend time with them and yet you and your children continue to be rejected.

I would particularly like to congratulate you on surviving what sounds like a fairly miserable childhood and managing to turn things round, giving your children all the love and warmth you never felt you had. I think that is an amazing achievement and you should be very proud of yourself.

IMHO, rather than banging your head against a brick wall trying to force your parents to be the sort of people they are in all honesty never likely to be, I would try and find another solution entirely. Remain in contact with your parents if it's not too painful but try to ask and expect nothing from them... then you won't be disappointed. Instead you might even feel able to take a step back and feel sorry for them for all the potential joy they are missing out on with your lovely children.

If I was you, I wouldn't swap shifts if that will create even more problems in school holidays... instead I would contact local colleges who train nursery nurses and see if you can find one who would be prepared to do a sleepover when needed. You could also ask around at your local schools, playgroups etc to see if any of the people who work there might be interested in doing this for you occasionally. A Nanny agency or babysitting agency might be worth trying too. I know this would probably be quite expensive but if it only happens four times per year it would be worth it. Alternatively, you and your dh could take it in turns to book those four days per year as holiday and avoid the need for care at all.

If you manage to solve the childcare difficulty... the next thing is to think about how to compensate for lack of grandparents. I think grandparents are incredibly important to children but, if natural ones are not available, (for whatever reason) then a close relationship with someone of a similar generation can be a great substitute. There are organisations who link up older people who want to have this role with families like yours... try a google search for 'adopt grandparent' etc.

I really wish you every success... it sounds as if you have overcome a great deal to be such a loving and caring mum.:T:T:T

poet123

Have to agree with the majority here,a lot of people when they become grandparents do not want it to be an extension of parenting. In your mum's case it does sound as if her illness is a barrier to her enjoying her grandchildren ,except when she is "up" that is very sad,but something you will have to accept. I would make aternative arrangements for the shifts,is your husbands family supportive?

cazac71

fitzmum wrote: »

To be honest, when I think about the bigger picture its like the pain of being rejected by them myself when I was a teenager is still there & I feel sad & mad that they would do it to my children too. Theres a lot of unresolved issues too...thats the problem as well I suppose....

.

I was going to mention that, and well done for being honest, most of your post i could have written myself (although not the babysitting bit, well not exactly the same) My Mum was/does still behave like that (without the drink), and yes its hell growing up in that enviroment, so much so, i left home at 17. My Dad is the same (anything for a quiet life)

Also read this she may be BPD
http://www.bpdworld.org/diagnostic.html

Nenen

teeni wrote: »

Just because you expect the pleasure of being a grand parent does not mean you have to take on the responsibility of the parents role.
You have already done that once with your children.
It is not selfish to want to live your life for yourself and not for someone else when you have children you know you have a lifeling job of being a parent but you expect the responsibility that comes with that to reduce as the children grow.

I do agree with many of your sentiments Teeni and always feel it's a bit cheeky (to say the least) when some parents seem to expect their children's grandparents to provide regular weekly childcare (usually for little or no pay). However, in the case of the OP, I don't think asking if her parents could possibly do four overnight stays in a year is the same as expecting grandparents to take on the role of parents. To be honest, if I had a close friend who I could help in this way I'd do it... let alone my own (adult) child! I think the problem really stems from the fact that the OP didn't feel cared for herself as a child and is now desparately hurt to see her children being rejected. Your children on the other hand obviously had a very warm and secure upbringing so can empathise and understand your point of view.

sloughflint

fitzmum wrote: »

Yes, I agree - she has been diagnosed with an anxiety problem & depression. The trouble is that she is not prepared to help herself get out of a rut. She sits in front of the TV all day, sleeps on & off then complains she can't sleep at night, binges on alcohol every now & again, won't go outside the door if she can help it - has let herself go to the point where her teeth have fallen out. Yet my dad is allowing this destructive behaviour as she gets terrible temper/screaming moods (he prefers an easy life) so he does absolutley everything for her. We all offer to take her out - have some fresh air, come & stay with us for a few days but everything we do its just a brick wall.

I would have thought that spending time with the grandchildren would help to make her happy - as their mum they bring me so much joy I can't understand why she doesnt feel joy in their company

I think its easy for you to say 'you don't like your mum much?' She was utter hell to live with and like I said earlier kicked me out in one of her alcohol fuelled screaming fits 17yrs ago and I promised I would never go back (and I didn't). No - I don't like my mum much but I dont think my children should have to go without a nan either.

I can't offer much help except suggest that you separate your issues into two:
1. Childcare
2. Relationship with your Mother/ dealing with her illness

1. How would you cope if you didn't still have your folks? What if you lived miles away?

2.Very tricky for you.I sympathise with you.
You had a difficult childhood but it might help if you realised that your Mum is still ill.
It's probably best that she doesn't care for your children.She just can't cope with life let alone active young children.
But please do not blame her. She is probably going through hell inside.

Please do not blame your Dad either. It will be very difficult for him to cope with the situation.You don't live with her and are frustrated. Imagine being with her day in,day out dealing with these mood swings?
I suspect that she manages to go to the shops for booze because she is absolutely desperate for it but would rather not.

katiesmummy

i feel for you op. my family have never met my ds even though i made every effort to bring them together and it hurts me deeply to know that they acknowledge my dd and totally ignore their grandson.

i am at the stage where i figure it is their loss not ours, and i have given up

re your childcare problems i think the best thing is for you to change your shifts and let your mum get on with it. no doubt she will be full of regret in years to come when she is a lonely old woman with nobody who cares

teeni

Hi Nenen,

The point i think is that the op does appear to have unresolved issues which are continuing from her own childhood, and maybe in normal circumstance 4 nights a year would not be too much of an issue, but as has already been stated it appears that the g/m in question could have suffered from depression for a very long time and the o/p has already said she knows she is ill but thinks she is selfish, . so is not accepting of her condition or the effect it can have on her mothers ability to care for the child adequately..

I am not saying I would not offer in this situation just that it should not be expected, but in this case i think the important thing that is being said is not about the family relationship but that the child feels uncomfortable being left at her grandparents and for me this would have been enough to make other arrangements, Four days a year is 2 days of your annual leave allowance per year per parent and this suggestion could be the best answer all around.

I am absolutely sure the op is a very good mother who wants the best for her daughter and I know In her situation i would be more concerned about how my daughter felt as being there and seeking all other alternatives.

ailuro2

Due to family differences we have no grandparents to look after our child, never really have done. I used to work shifts but now work dayshift during the week, which means we get a childminder for the days we need her, no overnight stays required. It was a substantial drop in money, but we coped!

We don't have an evening babysitter to look after her for a couple of hours to let us to the cinema/pub/meal, but we can do without that when the rest of our life is so contented.:D In a few years we will be able to sneak out when she's out clubbing!:beer:



I feel perhaps your anger isn't about them not wanting to take your kids for a night now and then, but more for them not being great (supportive,loving etc) grandparents that other people are blessed with. To see your kids almost 'rejected' by your own parents hurts terribly. Maybe you need to accept that cosy relationship just isn't destined to happen.

If you and you DH are happy and loving, then this will rub off on your kids, it sounds like you're doing a really good job of bringing them up to be happy and well adjusted (not screaming and shouting works wonders, imho!!:A)

Good Luck with finding a job that will take away the challenges of having a family that doesn't come straight out of a TV advert.