Disinterestd Grandparents - Advice?

fitzmum

sloughflint wrote: »

I could be barking up the wrong tree so forgive me if I am wrong.
Is this thread really about the children?
What do your children gain positively from the visits? Do they really need grandparents? Some kids sadly grow up without their grandparents ( long distance/death)
Would they be better off playing at home socialising with friends or seeing their other grandparents?

So is this really deep down about your relationship with your parents?


You seem to care so much ( phone calls several times a week) and it is upsetting you so much.
You are right. Life isn't perfect. We can't all have perfect families for whatever reason.Very sad. At least you have lovely husband/ children/inlaws.

I hope you can manage to come to terms with the situation.You are halfway there. You know why your parents behave the way they do.

Yes, I think your right in a way. Yes, i have never quite come to terms with the way I was brought up - but again I take it personally when it comes to my children. Why can't they love their grandchildren? - surely it should come naturally. My mother always gassed on about 'when are you going to give me grandchildren?' - she used to tell me that if I left it too late (by having a career) she'd never forgive me etc etc. Now she has them she's not interested!
And yes your right - i'd never thought of it from the point of view of the children - when they do go there DS is sent upstairs out of the way to play on my brothers playstation (often for hours & hours on end) and DD is only allowed to play with one toy at a time and not allowed to dance, be noisy or make a mess. No - they dont get anything positive from it tbh but I always felt that they should see their nanny & bampa. Perhaps I shoudnt bother any more

Js_Other_Half

I know of one childminder in our area who has the child overnight to stay - I don't know how expensive it is, but you could always consider it?

<hugs>

softwaremad

i just wanted to add my own take here on the ops post. my mother and father were both terrible parents - loved the idea but kids do take over your lives and they couldnt really handle that. my sister and i were taken to grandparents every weekend and school holidays - so mum could go off exploring the world ( dad moved on). this rejection hurts when you are a child and when they do the exact same thing to your children.

my dd has autism my father cannot handle her at all to the point where he now doesnt have any contact with us at all. my mother is very wrapped up in her life my dd is now 12 my niece (sisters child is 1 yr old) mum has baby sat for my sister more in 1 year than in the entirety of my daughters life. whilst i feel that this is very unfair luckily my dd has a disability that means she does not see the unfairness of the world for herself so i feel the pain doubly on her behalf.

although now adays i couldnt care less if my mother pops round for a flyign 2minute visit twice a year - we have our own life and even when i have had to go to hospital for operations and the like for overnight stays i would rather my dd spend time with people who cherish her as i do and i know for a fact that if i am ever fortunate to have grand children myself that my children would have trouble keeping me away.

it seems to me like some of us are here to right the wrongs made by selfish older generations who have kids as thats what they ought to do not because they want to love and cherish others.

good luck op change shifts dont put on your parents one day they may wake up and see what they missed or maybe not. but at least you can hold your head high and say you did it yourself! just make sure you dont put yourself out for them when they need the help! see help always goes 2 ways

benood

OP have you read Matilda by Roald Dahl - he makes some very Roald Dahly suggestions about things you could try.

I'm afraid I've little else to add except that you're doing the right thing by keeping in contact and keeping your cool - I'm sure you'll make the right decisions. Best of luck.

Deals_2

we have a similar situation. grandparents who dont help . my mum is pretty good when we are abroad with her - though she moans about so many other things that babysitting is sometimes not worth the grief!!!
my dad who is my daUghter's grandfather has not even called her up once (he is remarried and the wife gets jealous)
my partner has a lot of psychological issues now because his parents were never the doting parents for him. well i dont want to make that mistake. my idaughter is the best thing that ever happened to me - but i woudl probably be an old parent before she ever has kids (and i woudl be happy to help her). i would defintely change the shifts and something else might come up after. or move or have less money for a bit or set up your own business around the kids..? just an idea? you sound a fab mum and i think your children are lucky anyway. anywya if it makes you feel any better know that you are not alone. after reading through this post it made me feel more cheerful as i read someone in a similar situation!! good luck. it sounds like the grandparents are selfish anyway. i do understand that they have done their bit but what is once in a while at least?

MXW wrote: »

I can understand how you feel, my situation is similar although I am a single parent. I didn't have a very good childhood either (I won't bore you with the details) I don't have any contact with my Mum, but do with my dad (my dad has now remarried.) When I found out I was pregnant my dad was over the moon and kept on telling me how he couldn't wait to babysit etc, when I did have my first son he didn't want to know, he would come down for a couple of hours and then leave, when I did ask him to sit (which was about twice a year) it was like I was asking him the earth, he did it, but made it plain he was not happy! I am now a single parent with 2 fantastic boys and am the only carer. My dad was ok unless I needed some emotional or practical help and then he just cut me out. I sat in the house night after night as I couldn't afford a babysitter for the odd night out, when my dad and his new wife sit in the house doing nothing and complaining they are bored! They have had the kid's for me now and again and made it plain to me they are doing me a favour. Now due to an argument (long story) he has cut us all out of his life, but blames me for it!!! All I can say to you is just get on with your life and enjoy your children, do not rely on anyone (even family) for help, I learned the hard way that the only person my children can count on is me. I would love my kids to have "normal" grandparents, but that isn't going to happen.....so we have to deal with it the best we can. Good luck xx

lil_me

After 9 years of ignorance of one of my sons grandparents (to the point the boys don't even get a birthday card/phone call/hello from one of them) I've decided it's not worth making effort for them, they are never asked to babysit (I think they have looked after them once) I've stopped making the effort to take them to see them because they don't appreciate it and basically given up. When they want/need them when they get old they will no doubt be ignored by my sons because they hardly know them.

As far as childcare goes, my sons have been looked after by my mother once this year, before that I think it was 3 or 4 years ago this time she offered but that was because she was staying here anyway. I wouldn't ask someone to look after them for me, they are my children. I see many elderly/ill grandparents struggle coping with grandchildren and wouldn't consider requesting their support rather than paying for childcare if I was back at work.

sealady

In stories like this the decisions I've made in life have really hit home.

I have moved 11 hours by plane away from my mom who would love to be able to babysit my kids just to be able to see them grow up and not have settle with photo's and the odd conversation. It's been 5 years since my kids have seen their grandmother. They never did get the privilledge of meeting their grandfather who would have been the best darn grandfather around as he was father.

Even my parents in law make pretty good grandparents on occassions when they are around to babysit (last time was a year ago when they were on holiday here) but they are literally at the other end of the world New Zealand to be exact.

To all the grandparents out there who cannot be bothered with their grandkids you don't know what you are missing make the most of it when you can!

Sorry my little rant over!!

neverdespairgirl

fitzmum wrote: »

Hi all,

I'd like to know whether you feel this is normal of grandparents, if i'm expecting too much or whether my parents are NOT your run of the mill grandparents.

I don't think that's normal at all.

I'm 30, and the eldest of 4 children, and the only one yet to have children of my own. I have a son, who is 3 next month.

My parents are in their late 50s. My Dad works very near me, and I see him most days. He drops round our flat on his way home about once a week, just for half an hour, to see DS and have a cuppa.

My parents live about 6 miles away from us - we are in the middle of London, they are in the south-east. My mother doesn't work much - she runs my Dad's life entirely, and does a bit of professional singing. We usually go over on Sunday evening for dinner and to see my parents. About once a fortnight, she comes up to London and drops by to see DS (usually we are out at work).

I speak to my mother most days by phone - 5/6 days a week. My Dad doesn't do chatting on the phone!

Last weekend we went to stay with my parents for the bank holiday, in Kent, and on Monday my mother offered to look after DS for the day, saying we needed some adult time alone, and we went out.

This week, our nanny was ill, and on one day my mother came up to our flat and looked after DS, and the other OH dropped DH down to my parents' house and I picked him up. She's our "plan B" for childcare!

neverdespairgirl

January20 wrote: »

don't we expect too much of our parents? Ask them to look after our children so we can go about our lives be it going to pub or going to work?

Don't most g-parents want to spend time with their g-children, though?

neverdespairgirl

DaisyFlower wrote: »

Your mum has raised her children and deserves to now spend her life as she pleases not as you THINK she should.

When I was a child, we stayed occasionally with our grandparents, and they came over a lot - at least 1-2 a week when I was little. After my grandfather died, and my Granny was in her 80s, she didn't come over (didn't like to drive) and we went to see her. Isn't that pretty normal?