Disinterestd Grandparents - Advice?

fitzmum

Hi all,

I'd like to know whether you feel this is normal of grandparents, if i'm expecting too much or whether my parents are NOT your run of the mill grandparents.

My mum & dad in mid fifties. Dad still works but mum never has. She sits around all day watching telly, suffers from 'nerves' and needs the house tidy & clean at all times (except for her large labrador dog) who is allowed to sit on all the furniture, drop hair, drool etc but that's ok because he is her 'baby'.

My parents have NO interests outside the home, my brother still lives at home & is babied too.

Now, I left home at 17 (as apparently because I had friends & liked to socialise) I was treating the place as a 'hotel' and forced to leave.

Fast forward - now I'm 34, happily married with 2 children aged 7 & 5. My parents take very little interest in our family, very rarely phone etc. I occasionally (once every 3 months or so) need their help in having the children overnight (one night) to look after the children while my husband & I are at work. They will only have the children if my father is not working as my mother finds them 'too much' on her own.

These requests are met with a big sigh, huff & puff, and they really make me feel like I've asked them for the earth. The children are well behaved but now whats happening is that my 5 yr old is refusing to go & stay. She says my mother shouts at her (my mother has NO patience with children) and is probably picking up on the fact that she's not really wanted there.

The problem is its always a weekend thats needed (my hubby & I work weekends) and I have no other form of childcare - childminders don't work weekends! Any ideas? I have talked to my mother and her attitude is that my daughter should 'learn' that she HAS to go to them - also she runs her house the way she wants it and if the kids don't do as their told then she will deal with them HER way. She says that DD is 'running rings around me'

Its not the way I bring up my kids (scream & shout at them) but what can I do? I need someone to look after them as I must go to work. Its a very difficult situation - what would you do? I'm tempted to try & change my shifts so I don't have to work weekends but then it creates problems in the school hols as I'll be working an extra day in the week instead and the probem just pops up elsewhere.

Anyone else in this situation? Should I have it out with my parents? I'm really fed up with it all.

Sorry, rant over xx

hobo28

The buck really stops with you.

Its disappointing that your parents are not the doting grandparents we expect. My dad to date has never babysat once.

Your situation is very similar to a friend of mine. His parents take no interest and would not be able to find time to visit even if they were passing by his house. Their sole interests are their next holiday, decorating the house and what they are buying from John Lewis.

My advice would be to swap shifts. Why force your child to go somewhere they don't want to go and to people who do not want to care for them? Having it out with your parents would achieve little. You can't shout at them to make them "want" to take care of your DD.

January20

I think you should change your shifts as it is obvious your parents do not enjoy having the children round. It sounds like you mum has her life pretty much organised and doesn't want / cannot bear to have it disturbed.

Some people are dotting grand-parents, some are not. Just like some people are great parents and some are not.

fitsmum wrote:

also she runs her house the way she wants it and if the kids don't do as their told then she will deal with them HER way.

Well, it is her house and if the kids are at hers they should fit in with her not the other way round - it does children good anyway to see that all households are different.

It seems like you mum and you have two very different views of how to raise children. Sounds like you are two very different people too.

hobo28 wrote:

Your situation is very similar to a friend of mine. His parents take no interest and would not be able to find time to visit even if they were passing by his house. Their sole interests are their next holiday, decorating the house and what they are buying from John Lewis.

Is that so wrong? They raised their own family, they probably worked all their life and now they probably have more cash and certainly more freedom than ever. They could die tomorrow so why shouldn't they make the most of life? don't we expect too much of our parents? Ask them to look after our children so we can go about our lives be it going to pub or going to work?

cazziebo

I understand you need someone to look after your children - I don't understand why it has to be your parents.

From what you've said, they don't enjoy it, your kids don't enjoy it. You don't have a strong relationship with them. (And tbh, how your parents live and how they spend their time is not really for you to comment on). I had two children of my own (now older teenagers) and I often look after my brothers' and sisters' children. All sets of parents assure me "they are no bother". Looking after other people's children is always an upheaval. The difference is I enjoy it.

The only solution is for you to either find other childcare arrangements or change your working patterns. And maybe try to repair the relationship with your parents. Start by asking yourself what you could do for them, rather than grumbling about what they don't do for you..

M.E.

Could your brother come and stay overnight?
Your children sound as though they have a structured loving home and they might relish "looking after" their uncle?

galvanizersbaby

Hi Fitzmum

My parents are very similar but have only ever babysat for a couple of hours now and again when I've been desperate enough to ask - they have their own lifes and interests and though they do take an interest in their grandchildren (they have 9 in all) it's clear that they have no real desire for alone time with them - think you just kind of have to accept it.
Im assuming you don't have a friend/sibling who could take them overnight on a weekend? - perhaps it might be best to try and arrange your shifts to fall on weekdays - it would certainly be easier to arrange the childcare without involving your parents x

margaretclare

This may not be well-received, but...here goes:

You are very critical of your parents' lifestyle and yet you want them to be 'on tap' for regular unpaid child-care which you 'need'.

Being a grandparent is not the easiest thing in the world. I am the first to agree that the grandparent/grandchild relationship can be enormously rewarding, enjoyable, stressful but ultimately enriching on both sides. That said, I think it is a darned insult to suggest that having become a grandparent (which, unlike becoming a parent, is not something you have any choice about) you should happily fit in with other people's work commitments to the extent of providing free child-care as and when required.

Sorry, but that's how it looks to me.

hobo28

January20 wrote: »

Is that so wrong? They raised their own family, they probably worked all their life and now they probably have more cash and certainly more freedom than ever. They could die tomorrow so why shouldn't they make the most of life? don't we expect too much of our parents? Ask them to look after our children so we can go about our lives be it going to pub or going to work?

They are perfectly entitled to do what they wish with their lives. As you quite rightly say, they've worked hard all their lives and now is their time to live again. But personally I would be able to find 15 mins to stop off for a cup of tea if I were driving past my son's house. But thats just me. I've told my friend that he cannot expect his parents to conform to his standards, even if I can totally understand why he's so frustrated.

charlottecarter

Do you have friends who have children of similar age? If it is only rarely that you need them to stay over could you not see if your friend could have your children in exchange for you having theirs at another time?

If your parents are not keen to take care of your children it's probably best not to make them feel like they have to!

belfastgirl23

You don't like your mum much do you.

Which is fair enough, families are like that and there's no reason to think you should get on with someone just because you have a blood tie. But it cuts both ways. You don't have any understanding of or empathy with your mum's problems. I don't know if you realise quite how judgemental the tone of your post is, but if you communicate any of that to her then in some ways I wouldn't blame her for keeping out of your way. In fact she sound to me like she's suffering from a low level social anxiety or possibly even depression and your focus is entirely on your own needs. I know this might sound harsh to you but I guess that's the purpose of posting here is to hear the things that your friends might find it hard to say. I've also noticed that she agrees to take the children to help you out despite clearly not wanting to and not feeling able for it which seems decent enough of her to me.

Personally I'd suggest trying to build a relationship with her and give her a bit of support. If that isn't possible then leave her in peace and find some other way to deal with the childcare issue.

fitzmum

Thanks for all your replies. I think I'll have to change my shifts and adopt the attitude that if they don't want to spend time with their grandchildren its entirely their loss.

It just frustrates me to see my mum sit & sleep in front of the telly all day on her backside when my husband & I work so hard to make our little family happy & cared for. I just felt it wouldn't be too much to expect them to help us out now & again.....I was obviously wrong. It seems that there are a lot of people out there that wash their hands of their children & their children too as soon as they are adults.

However, I know that I could never be like that with MY children.