Disinterestd Grandparents - Advice?

geekgirl

fitzmum wrote: »

I think she could be a lot better if she pushed herself a bit more though?

That is a very valid point, to be able to recover to a certain degree you have to be vigilant about pushing yourself forward. It is difficult but essential if you are to regain some kind of a normal life. She doesn't seem like she wants it enough, or yet.

geekgirl

I am a grandmother to my sons little boy. I see them about twice a week and babysit for a couple of hours about one a month so that they can get out for an evening together.

I am really pleased to have him round with and without his parents as he is such a lovely little chick. But.....This is on my terms, I have him when I want to, I check if there is anything I want to do first for the evening then decide.

I don't want to be a parent again but I do want to be a part of my grandchildrens (GC no 2 due any time now) lives.

But I think the reason the Grandmother in the OP's case is because she is ill rather than a down right meanie and it is only the occasional request after all, not like they are asking them a couple of times a week or anything.

Well done for coming through your upbringing OP and being a good parent. :j

teeni

geekgirl wrote: »

That is a very valid point, to be able to recover to a certain degree you have to be vigilant about pushing yourself forward. It is difficult but essential if you are to regain some kind of a normal life. She doesn't seem like she wants it enough, or yet.

Surley the whole point about severe depression is that people become totally un motivated, A client i have been dealing with this week risked being evicted because he did not have the necessary motivation to cut his lawns, he has been severley depressed for almost 5 years and until a year ago the landlord (housing association) cut the grass in front of his home. Then they decided that this was the tenants responsibility and stopped. No issue for most people however he never leaves the house, has no friends and takes no interest in the outside of the house at all, home help comes twice a week to clean and bring food, only cold food as he has no motivation to cook and just eats what is left for him. grass is now 6 ft high He knows he needs to get motivated but simply cant, even though he risked losing his home.
My Point is that this is not something you have control over, true depression is an extremely debilitating condition, you can not assume that she does not want to get better it is just not as simple as that.

fitzmum

Nenen wrote: »

I think you have hit the nail on the head re your clear insight about your mum's attitude to your children rekindling the pain of rejection you felt as a child yourself. I would guess from your posts that your mum has been depressed and unable to show any care for you for a very long time.

Whilst I can understand some of the points raised by PPs, I would hazard a guess many of them have little idea what it is like to survive a childhood like that and how the longing for warm and loving parents never quite goes away, indeed it can be heightened by seeing your own children rejected. When you were a child you probably blamed yourself to some extent for your mum's reaction to you but when you can see your own innocent and lovely children being treated in a similar way it becomes unbearable. Whilst it may not be your mum's 'fault' that she was/is ill and unable to cope with her depression and mood swings I know only too well how difficult it is for children who have/had a depressed Mum.

It becomes even more difficult when you go on to have children, probably hoping that this will please your mum at long last, only to find that nothing has changed! What makes this even worse is when you see so many other grandparents doting on their grandchildren and only too keen and willing to spend time with them and yet you and your children continue to be rejected.

I would particularly like to congratulate you on surviving what sounds like a fairly miserable childhood and managing to turn things round, giving your children all the love and warmth you never felt you had. I think that is an amazing achievement and you should be very proud of yourself.

IMHO, rather than banging your head against a brick wall trying to force your parents to be the sort of people they are in all honesty never likely to be, I would try and find another solution entirely. Remain in contact with your parents if it's not too painful but try to ask and expect nothing from them... then you won't be disappointed. Instead you might even feel able to take a step back and feel sorry for them for all the potential joy they are missing out on with your lovely children.

If I was you, I wouldn't swap shifts if that will create even more problems in school holidays... instead I would contact local colleges who train nursery nurses and see if you can find one who would be prepared to do a sleepover when needed. You could also ask around at your local schools, playgroups etc to see if any of the people who work there might be interested in doing this for you occasionally. A Nanny agency or babysitting agency might be worth trying too. I know this would probably be quite expensive but if it only happens four times per year it would be worth it. Alternatively, you and your dh could take it in turns to book those four days per year as holiday and avoid the need for care at all.

If you manage to solve the childcare difficulty... the next thing is to think about how to compensate for lack of grandparents. I think grandparents are incredibly important to children but, if natural ones are not available, (for whatever reason) then a close relationship with someone of a similar generation can be a great substitute. There are organisations who link up older people who want to have this role with families like yours... try a google search for 'adopt grandparent' etc.

I really wish you every success... it sounds as if you have overcome a great deal to be such a loving and caring mum.:T:T:T

This post really hits the nail on the head as to how I feel. I could write a bleedin book on what went on when I was a kid. Depression seems to run in my mothers side of the family - her mum was like it too. My mother was what you'd call a harridan when we were kids, would scream & shout at me in particular for everything, would be sickly sweet loving when she'd had a drink but as the session went on would turn into a raving lunatic. Dinners would be thrown at walls, it would turn into a mad house. I always wanted better for myself and wanted a good job - she couldnt understand why I wanted to work? She didnt work - it wasnt a womans place to work.

She resented my studies and as I got older my friends & particularly resented my freedom when I got myself a car. I was doing an apprenticeship and earning £50 a week in which she took £10 for keep - on Sundays I wasnt allowed out as I did all the familys ironing and then cleaned the bedrooms & bathroom while she sat & watched telly all day. She never worked unless the mood took her - she'd find a cleaning job for a few weeks and the household would be happy, more money, she'd be cheerful then the blackness would come down again she;d jack the job in & go on a bender then the arguements would start all over again. I left after one incredible row where she was drunk, rammed all my belongings into black bags and threw them out of the front door because I put my foot down & insisted that I wasnt doing everyones ironing anymore. I went to live with my then boyfriend and stayed with him for 7 years even though I didnt want to as my mothers behaviour was a big dark secret and the rest of the family werent to know what she was like

Since then I have got myself a great career, great new husband and 2 fab kids and I am determined never to treat them the way I was treated.

I forgave my mum a lot of what went on and would have been happy for her to have the time with my children that she didnt have with me. Its patently obvious that nothing has changed - she is still suffering from the depression that plagued her when I was a child. Trouble is I dont know if I can be bothered with it all any more. I have my own kids to think of - thanks to everyone for listening to me - its done the world of good x

margaretclare

As others have said, there are obviously a lot of 'issues' which come to the surface time and time again.

My DH's first ex-wife does not see her g'children either and she has 4 lovely ones. Why, no one can understand. In fact, I've been more of a granny to the 2 girls than their paternal granny has been, although we don't see them all that often - distance. Fortunately, their maternal granny is everything that you think a granny should be.

I am sorry that I failed to understand your problem from your earlier posts. I thought it was just a matter of wanting a free baby-sitter, and, from experience, I feel quite strongly that grandparents have a lot more to give than just this limited role, which can make us feel that we're just being made a convenience of.

Depression is a real illness, which, it is known, can't be treated by just saying 'snap out of it, pull your socks up', whatever. Like you, I can't comprehend how someone can sit watching telly for hours on end, there are plenty of people for whom that appears to be the be-all and end-all - if it's not that, then it's bingo.

Good for you for making a success of your life so far. I never bought the 'not a woman's place to work', thank goodness!

gozaimasu

I personally don't understand the grandparent-grandchild relationship, especially not the grandparents *need* to see them all the time and to have a relationship with them that is equal with that of their relationship with their own children. A lot of children just get dumped off with the grandparents and they resent it.

You say you phone up every so often for childcare help - perhaps they are reluctant (and rightly so) because this is the only reason you phone. They've already had children, they've been there done that and despite your "joy" for spending time with your own children, you can't expect your parents or anyone else to experience the same.

Seeing grandparents on a monthly basis should be enough, if not a little too often in my opinion. Seeing them on a visit with you, their own child, might seem like less of a chore than just being dumped with the kids.

fitzmum

gozaimasu wrote: »

I personally don't understand the grandparent-grandchild relationship, especially not the grandparents *need* to see them all the time and to have a relationship with them that is equal with that of their relationship with their own children. A lot of children just get dumped off with the grandparents and they resent it.

You say you phone up every so often for childcare help - perhaps they are reluctant (and rightly so) because this is the only reason you phone. They've already had children, they've been there done that and despite your "joy" for spending time with your own children, you can't expect your parents or anyone else to experience the same.

Seeing grandparents on a monthly basis should be enough, if not a little too often in my opinion. Seeing them on a visit with you, their own child, might seem like less of a chore than just being dumped with the kids.

Very wrong sorry - I phone at least once a week simply to see if theyre ok - my dad works in the same place as me so I see him regularly. I certainly dont call just to ask for babysitting - in fact I gave them the 4 dates up front for the year and thats when the huff started.

I find it hurtful that my mum will not ring to see how we all are. She doesnt seem to have any *need* to see any of us - not just the children - me included. We could be on the other side of the world - not 25 miles away.

I visit about once a month with the children because I think its important that the children see their grandparents but more often than not we dont feel welcomed - my mother seems annoyed that we turn up.

I guess its the anxiety but she seems happy to be left alone in her own little world with no-one to bother her. Well life isnt like that - sometimes you have to push yourself a bit. Like I said before, she will push herself if it suits her...

Mips

My 3 little ones have two sets of appalling Grandparents.

One set isn't around, and hasn't been around for me ever.

The other set don't give a toss.

Their loss.

fitzmum

Dippychick wrote: »

My 3 little ones have two sets of appalling Grandparents.

One set isn't around, and hasn't been around for me ever.

The other set don't give a toss.

Their loss.

Well at least I can be thankful for my MIL - she is wonderful and dotes on the children - loves spending time with them & she is an integral part of the family - there for every day out & special event. Its just saddening that all this lovely family time could be enjoyed by my parents too. I hope they dont regret it - the children grow so quickly.

I just need to come to terms with it like you Dippychick!

sloughflint

fitzmum wrote: »

Very wrong sorry - I phone at least once a week simply to see if theyre ok - my dad works in the same place as me so I see him regularly. I certainly dont call just to ask for babysitting - in fact I gave them the 4 dates up front for the year and thats when the huff started.

I find it hurtful that my mum will not ring to see how we all are. She doesnt seem to have any *need* to see any of us - not just the children - me included. We could be on the other side of the world - not 25 miles away.

I visit about once a month with the children because I think its important that the children see their grandparents but more often than not we dont feel welcomed - my mother seems annoyed that we turn up.

I guess its the anxiety but she seems happy to be left alone in her own little world with no-one to bother her. Well life isnt like that - sometimes you have to push yourself a bit. Like I said before, she will push herself if it suits her...

I could be barking up the wrong tree so forgive me if I am wrong.
Is this thread really about the children?
What do your children gain positively from the visits? Do they really need grandparents? Some kids sadly grow up without their grandparents ( long distance/death)
Would they be better off playing at home socialising with friends or seeing their other grandparents?

So is this really deep down about your relationship with your parents?


You seem to care so much ( phone calls several times a week) and it is upsetting you so much.
You are right. Life isn't perfect. We can't all have perfect families for whatever reason.Very sad. At least you have lovely husband/ children/inlaws.

I hope you can manage to come to terms with the situation.You are halfway there. You know why your parents behave the way they do.