Disinterestd Grandparents - Advice?

DaisyFlower

fitzmum wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies. I think I'll have to change my shifts and adopt the attitude that if they don't want to spend time with their grandchildren its entirely their loss.

It just frustrates me to see my mum sit & sleep in front of the telly all day on her backside when my husband & I work so hard to make our little family happy & cared for. I just felt it wouldn't be too much to expect them to help us out now & again.....I was obviously wrong. It seems that there are a lot of people out there that wash their hands of their children & their children too as soon as they are adults.

However, I know that I could never be like that with MY children.

Why does it frustate you so much that your mum watches television whilst you are at work?? Its her life and if she can afford not to work then surely thats her choice.

You and your husband may work hard, but thats what most parents do to support their young children.

Your mum has raised her children and deserves to now spend her life as she pleases not as you THINK she should.

fitzmum

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

You don't like your mum much do you.

Which is fair enough, families are like that and there's no reason to think you should get on with someone just because you have a blood tie. But it cuts both ways. You don't have any understanding of or empathy with your mum's problems. I don't know if you realise quite how judgemental the tone of your post is, but if you communicate any of that to her then in some ways I wouldn't blame her for keeping out of your way. In fact she sound to me like she's suffering from a low level social anxiety or possibly even depression and your focus is entirely on your own needs. I know this might sound harsh to you but I guess that's the purpose of posting here is to hear the things that your friends might find it hard to say. I've also noticed that she agrees to take the children to help you out despite clearly not wanting to and not feeling able for it which seems decent enough of her to me.

Personally I'd suggest trying to build a relationship with her and give her a bit of support. If that isn't possible then leave her in peace and find some other way to deal with the childcare issue.

Yes, I agree - she has been diagnosed with an anxiety problem & depression. The trouble is that she is not prepared to help herself get out of a rut. She sits in front of the TV all day, sleeps on & off then complains she can't sleep at night, binges on alcohol every now & again, won't go outside the door if she can help it - has let herself go to the point where her teeth have fallen out. Yet my dad is allowing this destructive behaviour as she gets terrible temper/screaming moods (he prefers an easy life) so he does absolutley everything for her. We all offer to take her out - have some fresh air, come & stay with us for a few days but everything we do its just a brick wall.

I would have thought that spending time with the grandchildren would help to make her happy - as their mum they bring me so much joy I can't understand why she doesnt feel joy in their company

I think its easy for you to say 'you don't like your mum much?' She was utter hell to live with and like I said earlier kicked me out in one of her alcohol fuelled screaming fits 17yrs ago and I promised I would never go back (and I didn't). No - I don't like my mum much but I dont think my children should have to go without a nan either.

fitzmum

Again, reading through some of the replies I can see that you feel that my parents should have their time to do as they please & I agree. I ask them so rarely that I'm surprised that its an issue.

No-one would be more pleased than if my parents were out every day, holidaying, shopping, enjoying themselves. Of course I wouldnt want them to stop doing that to look after my kids.

But when they are sitting, staring at 4 walls & a telly day in day out then I think god, what a waste of 2 lives....

TurnaroundSue

Fitzmum, my MIL is very similiar to your mum, in her care for her grandchildren. I can count on one hand how many times she will come to our house in a year - christmas, easter, my OH's birthday, my dd's birthday and my birthday (my ds birthday is 2 days after mine, so she just leaves his present with me when she calls and doesn't come into see him on his).

My MIL is very creative, a fabulous cook, can sew, paint, draw and is very good with teaching things. However, my dd who is a dream to have and would love to learn all these skills never has this knowledge passed onto her. And this is what I feel sorry about. She would have so much pleasure from spending time with my dd, and they could have a really fantastic relationship, but alas this is not to be.

They have never babysat and even though it has taken me a long time to admit to this, I have to accept that it is their loss and not mine. Yes, I do wish they would be more inactive with their grandchildren and I wish my children had that sort of relationship with their grandparents, but this will never happen - for which I feel sad.

I think the best option for you would be to change your shifts as it would be easier to find a sitter in the day during school holidays (maybe they could go around a friend's house) than trying to find overnight accommodation for them.

Good luck and I am just glad that your children are being brought up in a happy, family environment.

fitzmum

To be honest, when I think about the bigger picture its like the pain of being rejected by them myself when I was a teenager is still there & I feel sad & mad that they would do it to my children too. Theres a lot of unresolved issues too...thats the problem as well I suppose....

Yes, I'll change my shifts - that way I can leave them get on with it & we can get on with our lives. It will be entirely their loss sadly as now they'll probably only see the children at Christmas & birthdays.

geekgirl

fitzmum wrote: »

Yes, I agree - she has been diagnosed with an anxiety problem & depression. The trouble is that she is not prepared to help herself get out of a rut. She sits in front of the TV all day, sleeps on & off then complains she can't sleep at night, binges on alcohol every now & again, won't go outside the door if she can help it - has let herself go to the point where her teeth have fallen out. Yet my dad is allowing this destructive behaviour as she gets terrible temper/screaming moods (he prefers an easy life) so he does absolutley everything for her. We all offer to take her out - have some fresh air, come & stay with us for a few days but everything we do its just a brick wall.

I would have thought that spending time with the grandchildren would help to make her happy - as their mum they bring me so much joy I can't understand why she doesnt feel joy in their company

I think its easy for you to say 'you don't like your mum much?' She was utter hell to live with and like I said earlier kicked me out in one of her alcohol fuelled screaming fits 17yrs ago and I promised I would never go back (and I didn't). No - I don't like my mum much but I dont think my children should have to go without a nan either.

It seems to me there are 2 sides to (all?) of this.

Your Mum is suffering with a terrible illness, which can make you not want to leave the house sometimes at all, ever. This illness can also make every noise louder and more abrasive than normal. It can also make any commitments seem really terrifying. Although it seem silly to others this is all real to a sufferer.
To outsiders it is a very selfish illness.

If your Mum did not have this illness I would consider her a very selfish person indeed, entitled to her own life but selfish.

Perhaps a solution if you would want to try and get round it would be to take your kids to her house whilst you are there, in small bursts. Go and stay for 10 minutes then leave. You may be able to spark up a bit of a relationship for them which if possible in the end she could look forward too having them around.

Good luck but try and cut her a bit of slack she is ill.

Bitsy_Beans

I think some of the responses have been a little harsh TBH. The OP doesn't ask her parents to help out very often but I don't think that's the real issue. OP clearly has never had a good relationship with her parents and I think the sad fact is that poor relationship is being continued with the grandchildren. However you can't make people become doting grandparents and I get the impression that they weren't exactly doting parents either. If it were me I'd cut my losses and accept that they will lose out on a relationship with their grandchildren. If they want to fester away in front of a TV that's their perogative. I would be concerned if my kids were getting to the point of not wanting to go, it hardly sounds like a loving environment so I'd either swap my shifts or find some alternative care. Some childminders DO provide overnight care but I think you'd need to speak to your local council as they should have a list of local childminders and what their working hours are.
It's a shame they don't want to spend time with your kids and I can understand how that would hurt you (my parents are besotted with my son so I can imagine how upset I would be if they were disinterested) but I don't think at this stage anything is going to change.

teeni

I have 6 grandchildren so far, likely to have a few more before my wonderful children stop adding to the family. Whilst my own 6 children were small I stayed home to look after them, we had no holidays , second hand furniture and did without many things so they could have a stay at home mum to ensure they had as much attention as they required. I never expected anyone else to look after them although we had a lot of family around who we could have called upon if we had wanted to.

When my grandchildren started to arrive i had returned to work and whilst I enjoy seeing my grandchildren and have a brilliant relationship with them I am unable to look after them for my children to work, and would not take on the responsibility even if i had the time. I spent 20 years of my life dedicated completely to my children (my choice) and whilst i will always be there for them in an emergency situation i dont see why I should put my life on hold again to bring up their children , which as someone else has already said i had no choice about bringing in to the world.

I am lucky in that my children fully understand my point of view and do not ask me to look after any of them regularly,I babysit when I offer and if i offer for one, will always ensure that i make same offer to each family so no one feels left out.

If this is being selfish then so be it, but I beleive this is now time for myself and my husband to reap the benefits of years of hard work and making do.

I agree with fitzmum that if the new arrangements mean her parents have less of a relationship with her daughter that is sad but not half as sad as a relationship which is being forced upon them.

MXW

fitzmum wrote: »

To be honest, when I think about the bigger picture its like the pain of being rejected by them myself when I was a teenager is still there & I feel sad & mad that they would do it to my children too. Theres a lot of unresolved issues too...thats the problem as well I suppose....

Yes, I'll change my shifts - that way I can leave them get on with it & we can get on with our lives. It will be entirely their loss sadly as now they'll probably only see the children at Christmas & birthdays.

I can understand how you feel, my situation is similar although I am a single parent. I didn't have a very good childhood either (I won't bore you with the details) I don't have any contact with my Mum, but do with my dad (my dad has now remarried.) When I found out I was pregnant my dad was over the moon and kept on telling me how he couldn't wait to babysit etc, when I did have my first son he didn't want to know, he would come down for a couple of hours and then leave, when I did ask him to sit (which was about twice a year) it was like I was asking him the earth, he did it, but made it plain he was not happy! I am now a single parent with 2 fantastic boys and am the only carer. My dad was ok unless I needed some emotional or practical help and then he just cut me out. I sat in the house night after night as I couldn't afford a babysitter for the odd night out, when my dad and his new wife sit in the house doing nothing and complaining they are bored! They have had the kid's for me now and again and made it plain to me they are doing me a favour. Now due to an argument (long story) he has cut us all out of his life, but blames me for it!!! All I can say to you is just get on with your life and enjoy your children, do not rely on anyone (even family) for help, I learned the hard way that the only person my children can count on is me. I would love my kids to have "normal" grandparents, but that isn't going to happen.....so we have to deal with it the best we can. Good luck xx

fitzmum

geekgirl wrote: »

It seems to me there are 2 sides to (all?) of this.

Your Mum is suffering with a terrible illness, which can make you not want to leave the house sometimes at all, ever. This illness can also make every noise louder and more abrasive than normal. It can also make any commitments seem really terrifying. Although it seem silly to others this is all real to a sufferer.
To outsiders it is a very selfish illness.

If your Mum did not have this illness I would consider her a very selfish person indeed, entitled to her own life but selfish.

Perhaps a solution if you would want to try and get round it would be to take your kids to her house whilst you are there, in small bursts. Go and stay for 10 minutes then leave. You may be able to spark up a bit of a relationship for them which if possible in the end she could look forward too having them around.

Good luck but try and cut her a bit of slack she is ill.

Thanks, yes, I find it hard to think of her as being ill. I see it as being lazy, selfish, self centred. She went through a very bad patch during the menopause when the psychologist had to come to the house as she couldnt stop shaking & crying. It was then she was diagnosed. This was about 5 years ago. I truly belived then that she was ill.

What I cant get my head around is that now she WILL walk over the shops to buy booze if my dad is in work yet if he's there she can't go out. She will go out shopping when the mood suits her & then she'll go nuts & buy loads of clothes & call at my house in a great, high mood showing us all the things she has bought & presents for the children.

Then, I can go there somedays (they live 25 miles away) and she just grunts at you and looks very less than pleased at seeing the children - her moods seem either really up or really down. She has brilliantly managed to give up a 20 a day smoking habit too for over a year now and her 'nerves' don't seem any worse for it. Its like she just doesnt have any interest in life at all.

I think she's much better clinically now with the anxiety & depression but has realised that my dad will do everything for her - he enables her to be like she is. Maybe she can keep the anxiety in check if she keeps indoors and her activities to a minimum? I don't know? Maybe thats how she copes - I dont think she's helping herself though - I'm tempted to say 'pull yourself together' but I know that at times she cant help it.

I think she could be a lot better if she pushed herself a bit more though?