problems at home - with dad

LittleTinker

I echo what Fleago said about Alateen......search on Google and see if there is a group in your area.

In the meantime......your Dad loves you. However, he is in a place where he cannot escape from pain he is feeling inside. He has not yet found a way to let that pain go. He is turning to drink to help him but as you know, its not helping him at all.

Drinking alcohol will also make him more depressed.....making the situation worse for him, and also for you and your Mum.

Try to remember that your Dad does not mean the things he is saying or doing and that he does love you deep inside.

Try then to not take things personally......instead, roll your eyes and think "big man at it again....what an idiot" and try not to let him see that you are bothered by his comments.

However, he will not stop this behaviour until he stops drinking.

Paparika

awww bless you

when i was a teenager and having to cope with hormones and puberty, me and my mum just didn't get on any more..

she was verbally and physically abusive to me (we didn't have child line back then) i begged her to put me in a home, as i though my life would be better, she refused and said no sit and suffer at home.

16 and leaving school was a bit of freedom as i could start earning money, but i had to give it all to her, she took a reasonable rent amount and put the rest into savings and gave me about £5 per week.

by the time i was 17 I'd attempted suicide (i know bloody stupid), i just felt i couldn't take it any more, i left home.

I think your dad see's you as a man (assuming you are male?) and no longer his little boy, also with his drinking issue doesn't help.

when my granddad died dad didn't speak to mum or me for a year.

hold tight and just keep out of his way, and if you can talk to him when your sober.

Bunnie1982

I'm abit on the fence here I'm afraid, mainly because in your original post you told your dads family that he was !!!!ed up.

Although he may be in the wrong for then taking stuff out on you, what you said originally may not have helped matters, as this could be something he didn't want other members of the family to know.

I don't know the full background of this but there could possibly be a mutual respect issue here.

Have you got any friends you could perhaps stay with for a few days?

I agree about going to Connexions, as they may be able to offer you some advice not only in this area but also with regards to jobs as well as I know you are also worrying about this.

It is always hard when you are being bullied by family.

sticher

Aw big HUG for you.

You sound very similar to my niece at the moment, although she is 17 and her Dad is not violent.

Last week she and her Dad were not even speaking to each other and she cried for a whole evening about it all. I think that maybe your hormones are making you a bit more sensitive than you would otherwise be.

Obviously I do not know the whole story, but I don't think leaving home is the answer - life is MUCH tougher on your own and at least you have your Mum with you to help.

It does sound as though your Dad does love you - otherwise he wouldn't have bothered to say sorry (he is not a child and no one could make him), or to come and ask you to come downstairs. His drinking is obviously a problem though. Maybe you could try talking to him before he has a drink and explain that you are getting upset easily.

Hope things improve soon.

Barbiegirl_2

Hi,

I really feel for you. In fact what you wrote was sort of what I grew up with. The only thing different was that my dad didn't use bad language. As for everything else you are going through it's as if you were me....really wierd.

It's not easy living at home when you have to tread on "egg shells". The only way I could get it away from it all was to move out. When I did I moved to South Africa, then here and have never looked back. I am in touch with my father and he has changed his life around. He is a Christian now and has stopped drinking. Unfortunately, this came to late as all the memories of my childhood are unpleasant. My mother divorced him 4 years ago as she couldn't handle him anymore. I can remember him hitting her and as a child crying for him to stop........gosh my heart feels like it's dropped into my stomach....

I don't mean to ramble on but if you have a friend you could stay with would that help? Do you have a job? Or perhaps you could rent a room in a house?

All the best and I hope your dad stops taking his frustrations out on you. BIG HUG. X

stokechick16

Thank you so much for the replies. Im FEMALE thank you LOL.

And as for my dad - he did not mean it when he said sorry, he never does. I do not want him in my life no more because i cannot take it any longer. He has beat my mum up in the past and sometimes threatens to aswell and i remember once he hit my lip so hard that my tooth went into the gum etc, and i had a thick lip for a couple of days.

He can gob his mouth off, but he cannot take it. Everyone who knows my dad knows he drinks every night. As soon as he comes in he is on the drink and he was crying yesterday because his boss talks to him like a peice of dirt.

Thanks for the replies as i said. I do appreciate them. I am going go connexions and try move out ASAP


Thank you xx

Paparika

stokechick16 wrote: »

Thank you so much for the replies. Im FEMALE thank you LOL.

And as for my dad - he did not mean it when he said sorry, he never does. I do not want him in my life no more because i cannot take it any longer. He has beat my mum up in the past and sometimes threatens to aswell and i remember once he hit my lip so hard that my tooth went into the gum etc, and i had a thick lip for a couple of days.

He can gob his mouth off, but he cannot take it. Everyone who knows my dad knows he drinks every night. As soon as he comes in he is on the drink and he was crying yesterday because his boss talks to him like a peice of dirt.

Thanks for the replies as i said. I do appreciate them. I am going go connexions and try move out ASAP


Thank you xx

Ah sorry, but at least it made you smile,

again i think its to do with you growing up and not being his innocent little girl,


it's funny that he gets grief from his boss, then dishes it out at home,

bullies often have been bullied

I think connexions is a good place for you to start, best of luck and you will get through this. xx

Chollita

Don't apologise for posting here. You poor girl, you need support, and we will listen and help as best we can. Your dad is being a git, and there is NO excuse for his violence, whatever 'problems' he has. No-one should have to put up with this behaviour. Could you stay with a relative?

Please seek help to get out of this situation. He has a drinking problem, and I'm afraid that won't get better unless he chooses to do something about it. Sadly, maybe he never will.

LillyJ

Also I know you have enough on your plate but please make sure if you leave that you give your mum the option to leave with you. If she has been hit by your dad then she may want out too but not know how.
There are lots of domestic violence websites with phone numbers that you or she can call.
I just want to make sure your mum is safe as well as you.

ailuro2

Take solace from the fact that you won't have to put up with it forever, and that with the right handling it might be a situation that could be improved.

First up though, and you can probably blame your hormones for this one - You definitely didn't help things by saying he is f***ed up in front of his family.Try not to aggravate him. He sounds like he is in a pretty sad and lonely place right now, and taking out his anger on those closest to him.


Do you think it would help to get someone from your family to help you to write a gently worded letter from you to your Dad and give it to him just before you go out somewhere, (to give him time to calm down and think about the contents). Tell him you love him, and you hate seeing him get so distressed by the way he is treated at work. Tell him you know he must hate taking it out on his loved ones, and that you know he isn't intentionally pushing you away, but sometimes it makes him hard to live with. Remind him of wonderful times you had when you were younger, mention holidays where everyone was happy. Ask him to seriously consider getting help to deal with the stress he suffers at work. Again,tell him you love him. (OK, it might not feel like it now, but it will help him, iyswim)

If he doesn't get help, then you need to get help to get away from the situation, you are 16, there are places that can help you. Are you at school, college,working? It seems daunting but other 16 year old leave home and manage to get themselves sorted with a flatshare,and work and study too.Not easy, but it is an option.



fwiw My family pretty much made a drama out of every crisis and now I'm older I don't talk to them. At one pojnt my father suffered from depression and it was hell for the rest of us, but looking back my mother didn't so much to help him. He did get help, and life improved, but my mother's personality could never be helped.:rolleyes:
I tried for many years, but decided after I had my own child that it was pointless trying to stay in touch with people who didn't try to respect me back, or be proud of my achievements, and continued to put me down at every opportunity.It would have been a terrible example to my DD to let her see that I would lie down to people who treated me like dirt. I'm 38 now, and I do wish my DD could have wonderful grandparents. Thankfully we have learnt from my parents mistakes and our little family unit is very happy. We love each other, and tell each other often, and respect each other's feelings, and thankfully, we never have the battles over incredibly petty things that I remember from when I was young.

My very best wishes to you, it's very hard being at that in between age when you're sometimes not treated like an adult when you feel like one, but then expected to behave like one when you really wish you could turn the clock back and have no responsibilities.

Try to help round the house, and be nice to your Mum - she sounds like she could do with some support too. I hope your Dad gets better too - it doesn't sound like he's always been like this, I really hope he can get better soon.