Money Moral Dilemma: Can you go giftless to a wedding?

joanna_willett

ringo_24601 wrote: »

I've got a wedding list for a reason - i don't want random handmade tat as a gift cluttering up my shed (all unwanted presents have ended up there)

I agree with part of this, although was going to put it in a more tactful way, lol

I'm getting married (2nd time) next year. There's nothing my OH and I need. Coming to a wedding is expensive enough - outfit, travel, accommodation, childcare in some cases - and I'm just grateful my friends will make the effort (again!). I'd feel completely uncomfortable giving people a gift list, in fact I think that a gift list sets up the expectation of presents, which is a bit cheeky. If people want to give us something then lovely but we will make it very clear that we don't expect anything at all from them apart from themselves, there, on the day. Yes, we are paying for them to be there - that's because it will make our day to have them there, so THEY are doing US the favour, not the other way round.

As for making something instead of buying it - I think you need to be very careful, to know the couple very well and to know their tastes. Personally, I would be a bit mortified if someone presented me with some cross-stitch or cushion covers (no offence intended to the givers of such gifts) - it's not my thing at all, and not only would I have to pretend to like the present, I'd then feel like I had to have it on display whenever the giver visited me. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but if I had not been given anything at all then the potential future uncomfortableness (is that a word?) wouldn't happen! I'd much rather have been given a big hug and been bought a drink at the reception!

I like the suggestions of offering to help with something, but other than that I wouldn't want anything home-made unless it was from a friend who knew my tastes extremely well. I guess it's up to the bride and groom to word the wedding invite in such a way that the guests know whether presents are required or not.

Jo

hplfoghorn

If you have a digital camera, take a photo of the Bride & Groom leaving the ceremony, nip home & put it into a card template that you have already set up on your computer, Print, sign & give it to them at the reception. This gives them a Photo of the day to take on their honeymoon if they wish. I have done it several times now & I have bought tears to the brides eyes for the sentiments.

wallyberry

A friend once told me that your wedding present should be worth about what your hosts have paid for your food on the day!!!! In the case of my family of 5, that would mean we could afford to go to a wedding about once every 5 years!

Actually, I wouldn't dream of going to a wedding without a gift, but if I couldn't afford something off the list I'd do one of two things based on the fact that if I'm going to the wedding I must know them pretty well and know what they would like: either I'd make something special, say by sewing or decorating some glasses; or I'd buy something special but cheaper that I know they would like, that perhaps I'd got somewhere rather more special than your average high street store.

Jenni

brownbake

Hardly likely 5 marriages when marriage is on the decrease and divorce on the increase but anyway.... people may give out a wedding list wishlist but that does not mean that you HAVE to give a gift.

What are they going to do? Oh you haven't got a gift so you aren't coming in!! The only decent part of a wedding is the meal and the evening. There are lots of other things you could give them that cost less £25 - 50 is quite high.

It depends on how old the people were. Traditionally a gift list was to help people set up home together and get essential bits. If someone was considerably older I'd think that they were just money grabbers.

It is not compulsory to get a gift but gift vouchers or a bottle of bubbly should be adequate.

WhyIsSavingSoHard

oliversmum wrote: »

No you should never go to a wedding without some sort of gift. I think it is very rude to go along and eat the food/drink the booze and not offer even a small gift.
I don't think you should get yourself into trouble financially but I'm sure most people can stretch to a £10 or £20 voucher if everything on the list is too expensive. Especially when the bride and groom have paid upwards of £100 for your food and drink for the day!!

Why is it rude to go and eat/drink without taking a gift. It's the couple's choice not yours as to how much is spent on you. Also, I'm on Job Seeker's and after paying for my half of the essentials here (rent/water/gas etc) I have so little left for food, that even my outfit would have to be one I've got in my wardrobe not a new one. I'm saving to move out of the home I currently share with my ex-DH and it's taken me 12 months to save £80.

Both my sisters are getting married next year (March & Sept) and I know they are going to be asking people to their weddings because they want them there not for the gift. I know I can go without buying anything if I'm still broke and hold my head up high at the same time.

If you have this dilema and feel you need to take a present after reading all these posts, how about taking a bottle of wine and/or a box of choccies for them to enjoy either while on honeymoon or to relax with when they get home. That's what we did for ex's Dad and his new wife and they loved it.

OberonSH

We're getting married in July, and don't need anything - I'm atually dreading the presents, as our house is very small and we've already had to halve what we have in the house to fit it all in! I would have loved to ask people to put towards our move to the USA, but feel cheeky doing that, let alone presenting them with a wish list!

One of my very good friends offered to do the invites for me. I was very touched, and felt better that she wasn't having to shell out for something as they're saving hard as well. MIL has given me her bouquet, and is paying for a family lunch out. Grandma is making the cake fr us, and getting my daughter a little outfit. These are the things we'll remember, not who got us the matching vases or the bedlinen.

The first time I got married we got given some hideous things - a resin based gem tree anyone?? So I'd rather have the people we want there, and no gifts to worry about homing, or eye-bleedingly ugly items that I have to dispose of quietly. I mean - it's just a big party, isn't it?

tallgirld

I never discuss my financial situation with my friends so it would be difficult for me to admit that im skint!!!! I would have to overdraw and buy 5 presents.

Silly really!!!!

englishmac

Zoay wrote: »

We specifically told people in the invite not to worry about a gift - we knew many people were having to travel and stay over, and not everyone is well off. As it happened only 1 person didn't give something - and I'm glad she could still come.

Our best present was 4 cows and several chickens! (Happily bought directly by the family of the little girl we sponsor in Africa with the money our guests spent on them instead of us.)

This is one of the nicest things I have ever heard of. Not only appreciating the cost of the day to those attending (often underestimated or just plain not thought about because people don't care) but to think of helping others as a contribution to your special day. Getting married isn't about material gain. Guests are invited to witness your union and help to make your day a fabulous celebration. I personally think gift lists are appalling. Yes, they are practical, avoiding duplicate presents and ensuring you receive things you will use but I just find it cheeky to be so in your face with demands, usually with very few smaller value items.

Social pressure is hard but true friends will appreciate your company on the day even if you can't afford a flashy/any gift. It is also quite easy to find or make a truly unique, inexpensive gift. Something original, especially a keepsake, is usually much more appreciated by the happy couple.

ejd_2

We got married last year and ensured we had items on our gift list for under £5. We also had friends with new baby so knew money was tight and said we didn't expect anything or we would welcome help with DIY we had lined up. The old 'bartering' scheme to exchange skills etc is making a come back for sure, so I don't see any insult in applying it to presents aswell.
Friends are valued from the heart not the pocket.

chocolatechipcookies

Weddings are not about getting gifts. I would be horrified if a friend borrowed money to get me a gift. I want everyone to have a fun time, to share one of the most important days of my life with me. Everyone is so wrapped up in people spending money on them, it's sick. Why can't people enjoy the company of loved ones without expecting something.