Money Moral Dilemma: Can you go giftless to a wedding?

andrione1

personally i couldn't go giftless to a wedding, but i don't think it is necessary to explain to friends why the present is not expensive. if they judged you on the cost of the wedding present , they are not friends worth having!

Henwen

Most wedding couples say "we want you to be there but if you want to give us a gift, here's a list". Take it at face value, especially for close friends. I love the posts above giving practical ideas of help you can offer the couple too. It's much better to be involved in their day than to give more "stuff". We all have too much.

Henwen

macsam_2

I don't think you need to take a present to weddings surely your invited because they want you to enjoy there day with them. I would make sure they all had a copy of Martins website address, as in the long run that would save them more money then you could ever afford to spend on them.

lynneinjapan

Absolutely! But rather than ignoring the wedding list and presenting the couple with something home-made that might be regarded as clutter, I think it's better to offer some kind of practical help - help with some aspect of the wedding, DIY, babysitting services, etc. If there is no wedding list then give whatever you fancy; if the recipients don't like it then that's their own fault for not giving any guidance!

For our wedding nearly 3 years ago we set up a website and here's what we wrote re gifts:

To repeat a cliche, your presence is more important to us than your presents. Besides, between us we've got all the household stuff we need and most of what we'd like!
Having said that, if you would like to buy a gift to mark the occasion then we are very grateful and hope that you will take us up on one of the following two suggestions:

• • We've thought of a few items that we would like - though not that we really need - and these are listed below. If you'd like to get us one of the specific items listed then please let us know so that we don't end up with three of the same thing! If there's nothing that grabs you then check back every so often - I'm sure we'll think of a few more suggestions to add!
  • Alternatively, if you want to give a gift that will really make a difference to someone's life then perhaps you would like to make a purchase through one of the charitable organisations listed below.

We had a list of about eight specific items (starting from around £20), suggestions for gift vouchers, and links to alternative gift sites (Wedding List Giving, World Vision and Plan UK).

Most people heeded the list and gave accordingly, but I have to say we've never used the towels or the hammock that people saw fit to give us; we already had more towels than we're ever likely to use, and have nowhere to hang a hammock.

RoyLeggett

My partner and I are getting married in July. We understand that "gifts" are an issue for a variety of reasons. As such we are having a Wishing Well. This means guests can (if they wish) post an envelope with whatever they feel is right for them without any need to feel embarressed for any reason. They can post their "gift" at any time of the day or night which again means there is less chance of someone saying "I didn't see you post anything" etc etc.
We felt that doing things this way meant that no one was obliged to buy a gift and from our poiint of view we didn't end up with loads of un-wanted gifts. We have been together 5 years so have most of the things that we want. The most important thing is that EVERYONE has a good time on the day. I hope this helps?

[Deleted User]

badger277 wrote: »

Just read this comment...why are you so tight and lack understanding when you use a money saving site for people who are trying their best to save money and in many cases get out of debt?
I was shocked at your quote.
When we got married 18 years ago you wouldn't believe the "tat" we got...we said thankyou very much and appreciated the thought (and ignored the lack of thought in some cases) that had gone into it.
I have to say most of the "tat" was expensive bought stuff, not the handmade or second-hand stuff (such as my husbands grandma's ottoman which had been given to her on her wedding day and then passed to us on ours) given to us by people we knew and who loved us.
Instead it was from distant relatives who we only ever saw that one time and were only trying to show off anyway!
If you don't like it, freecycle it or give it to charity and benefit from the feelgood factor that gives you. You could even possibly sell it on.
I agree weddings cost a fortune these days but that's more due to unrealistic imaginings of a "perfect day" like something from a celebrity magazine! People are going into debt, not to get married as that only costs the price of a licence, but to have a posh do, holiday or party to impress others.
Weddings are only the means to be married. If the couple who's wedding you are attending has forgotten this, then they don't deserve to have you much worry about the lack of a present. They are too materialistic to appreciate thought and effort anyway.
First time I've posted on here, forgive the rant...!

Well, because I'm a mean middle class !!!! I guess. Everyone I know has had quite decent upbringings and most have a reasonable amount of money. If they're in debt, it's their own stupid faults. I avoid the 'i'm in X amount of debt' threads of this site as I'm quite un-sympathetic to people who've spent without means of paying back quickly.

I have used freecycle to give old furniture away; i'm not averse to charity. However I'm stuck in an ethical paradox. I have lots of presents in boxes in my shed that I don't want. However, I cannot throw them out, as I don't believe it's right to pass on/sell/give/destroy a present that someone has picked and given you.

I would dearly love hand-me down multiple generation watches/jewellery - something with a great emotional attachment would be really nice.

I'm more of a realist. Personally i've got a big mortgage and my house needs a new bathroom and double glazing. It does not need handmade picture frames or anything of that ilk - we're already paying someone a lot of money to make us a really nice photo album

My wedding is costing a lot of money and it's mainly because we require a kosher caterer. This triples the cost of food and drink. That's a major factor and one that is unavoidable. There are certain aspects of a Jewish wedding that differs with a non-Jewish one. The presents given are more along the same lines as that in the continent and in Greek communities - i.e. they're a lot more. Typical presents from a couple would be £100 and £50-60 from a single person. We do not expect our non-jewish friends to be spending that much as they're not aware of the culture.

iolande

I was bridesmaid at a wedding where the couple said no gifts were necessary (it was their second wedding and they were doing it low budget and held it in a park). Their closer friends all ended up pitching in and helping out on the day - a florist friend did the flowers, a photographer friend the photos. Others helped out by preparing breakfast on the morning or booking taxis. My uncle even pitched in by arranging to borrow tables and a marquee from a friend for the day. All this came as a pleasant surprise to the happy couple, and the gifts were meaningful and every time we look at the photos we remark on who did what on the day!

Timmne

We've specifically said to our guests that we'd like something off the gift list, money or NOTHING! We've made it very clear that if they don't bring a present it's not a problem - that's not why you invite people and it costs more (well it does at our wedding!) to feed & water them than they'd ever spend on a present anyway.

I'd be a little unaccepting of gifts that had been made as an alternative as we just don't have the space to store bits we haven't already planned for! Sounds ungrateful but we're not expecting gifts so would rather nothing than something we have to keep for years just to humour the giver when they come around to ours!

pippo

We were married 33 years ago (rush job at the time!!)
Still have 2 denby vases & a heart shaped jewelerly box(??) from the day! Didn't have anywhere to live then, so why??

But I still remember who came to our weddiing!
I would go without a present if the couple were close to me(us) if little money my standard present is a photo frame!!
I hate lists, but they do help when stuck.. but the worst ones are vouchers 'coz then you have to decide how much people are worth!!

A present without a gift tag leaves people guessing... especially if you drop a tag "accidently" into the pile of presents.
I found this out when I was thanked for the Wedgewood china the couple thought I had given them, but in reality it was a bread board!

But really, people want their friends and family.. any present is a bonus
Pip

Choccyholic

Have I missed something? I thought inviting your friends to your wedding was to celebrate with you.

I don't understand if a couple decide to pay so much money for THEIR wedding that they EXPECT to have gifts or money towards their honeymoon or cost of the wedding. THEIR choice to be extravagant, the guests shouldn't foot the bill. I was brought up to be grateful for gifts, not to expect them.

A wedding should only be planned to cost what you can afford, or to afford the debt. And if you sit down with the wedding and guest lists and feel aggrieved that anyone had not bought something, or was of low cost, then you've seriously missed the point of the day.