Money Moral Dilemma: Can you go giftless to a wedding?

jaxeeee

It's not quite the same as a wedding but friends of ours, a couple, shared a 60th birthday celebration which, after a good life, involved lots of people from a wide range of age groups and circumstances. This couple explained in their invitation to the party "your presence is our present".

I'd say that if you have been invited, it is your presence that is important and don't worry about an expensive gift.

I got civilly partnered (!!!) in 2005 and was dead impressed by the efforts that people made to be there with us and like a previous poster, can't remember what individual gifts came from whom. We were advised by friends who married earlier to make a gifts list to avoid getting wierd stuff and we asked for vouchers which we used to buy good luggage and a vid camera. When we use these we always remember our event and the people there.
We have really appreciated the photos that people sent to us afterwards and the kind things that people did on the day.

We also got unsolicited wierd stuff - my advice is don't do wierd stuff, however fancy and expensive, it is annoying. My sister got a heated food trolley from an uncle at her wedding and it is a bloody liability but she daren't get rid of it.....15 years later! We got all sorts of soppy photo albums and romancy things that have just been chucked into a box.

In case anyone's interested, our event for 65 people was fantastic and cost just £6,800, including ceremony in iconic building, tour of London, strawberries and champagne in Kensington Park, three course dinner with entertainment, cake, flowers, outfits, rings and the honeymoon.

cromartygirl

This may have already been suggested but an inexpensive and personal pressie I have bought when very skint was a Times newspaper of the day of the wedding and other magazines reflecting the interests of the happy couple (no...not those kind of magazines!!) I have then added a lovely gift tag with a message 'to be read on your silver wedding anniversary'.

This can also be used as a good 'new baby' pressie as the parents rarely think to get a paper during labour (unsurprisingly) and it's a lovely thing to keep and look back on, instead of buying an old paper as a gift for someone when they are celebrating future birthdays.

celebrity

I think its very bad manners to turn up to a wedding giftless. If you can't afford the gift + travelling costs to the venue + new outfit then don't go. If they are good friends or close family getting married then you should be able to explain your financial situation to them. Besides, invitations are usually sent out a few months in advance so there is time to save up for the gift unless the cost of the gift runs into 3 figures or more.
Likewise, it is mean to turn up at a dinner party empty handed when a decent bottle of wine can be bought at supermarkets these days for about £3.99. I've had people turned up for dinner empty handed, ate and drank more than their fair share and never have dinner parties of their own. They probably turn up at weddings giftless too!

Timmne

Amen on the dinner parties.

susimuggle

I found this thread really fascinating!
A lot of people getting married nowadays are so engrossed in all the financial stuff that goes with it. Some of the social conventions surrounding all this are plain ridiculous. Why does anybody need to buy a new outfit for a wedding? If I ever got married, people can turn up in jeans and trainers. I couldn’t care less, it's their presence I want to enjoy, not what they wear or what presents they bring. And like so many people pointed out already, if somebody spends money on travel and accommodation, I’m sure that can in some cases easily add up to a couple of hundred pounds, if not more. Surely that’s more than enough to spend on your good friends. Most of us are drowning in clutter anyway, so the less presents, the better. I would rather my guests would give their money to charity…..

Marisan

I couldn't just not go if the couple were good friends as it would be like ignoring their special Day,and surely that is the main thing,being with them as they celebrate.I would try to take a small,inexpensive but well thought-out gift or token,but if I couldn't even manage that,I would explain my situation and I'm sure my friends would understand.

I dislike the idea of 'wedding present lists' anyway,seems very grasping to me.Especially when they are tied to one (invariably expensive) store. When Hubby and I married we did not make a list,but were grateful for whatever people bought for us.

The success of a happy wedding day does not rest on the quality or quantity of gifts given.

bandraoi

Don't really see why this is a dilemma. It's polite to send the gifts before the wedding, but wedding etiquette states that you have up to one year after the wedding to send a gift.

In one year you should be able to set aside the money to cover the cost of presents
or bargain hunt to find something appropriate within your means.

grrrl

lynneinjapan wrote: »

Absolutely! But rather than ignoring the wedding list and presenting the couple with something home-made that might be regarded as clutter, I think it's better to offer some kind of practical help - help with some aspect of the wedding, DIY, babysitting services, etc. If there is no wedding list then give whatever you fancy; if the recipients don't like it then that's their own fault for not giving any guidance!



For our wedding nearly 3 years ago we set up a website and here's what we wrote re gifts:

To repeat a cliche, your presence is more important to us than your presents. Besides, between us we've got all the household stuff we need and most of what we'd like!

Having said that, if you would like to buy a gift to mark the occasion then we are very grateful and hope that you will take us up on one of the following two suggestions:

• • We've thought of a few items that we would like - though not that we really need - and these are listed below. If you'd like to get us one of the specific items listed then please let us know so that we don't end up with three of the same thing! If there's nothing that grabs you then check back every so often - I'm sure we'll think of a few more suggestions to add!
  • Alternatively, if you want to give a gift that will really make a difference to someone's life then perhaps you would like to make a purchase through one of the charitable organisations listed below.

We had a list of about eight specific items (starting from around £20), suggestions for gift vouchers, and links to alternative gift sites (Wedding List Giving, World Vision and Plan UK).

Most people heeded the list and gave accordingly, but I have to say we've never used the towels or the hammock that people saw fit to give us; we already had more towels than we're ever likely to use, and have nowhere to hang a hammock.

I think this post sums everything up perfectly - the fact that a person made the effort to come is worth more than a gift.

I'd feel a bit odd going without a gift, however, so would appreciate gift lists with low-value items or the option to give vouchers or a donation to charity instead.

I've bought a nice dress in the sales so will use that for one or both of the weddings I've been invited to this summer (different groups of friends).

I think the idea of giving the wedding day's newspapers and special events mentioned in an earlier post is a great idea - would be really nice to look back on in the years to come.

A lot of people have critisised that guy for saying he doesn't want tat - just remember; one person's thoughtful, personal gift, is another's tat.

It's heartwrenching to receive something that you can obviously see has had a lot of thought put into it but is something you'll never use or want to put on display.

It's taken me a year and a half to put together my sleek and stylish (and as yet unfinished!) sitting room and I've still got a long way to go. I can't afford to go out and buy everything, but I've got a final image of what I want it to look like and I'm building it up piece by piece. I buy ornaments and furnishings in the sales and key pieces to fit this image in my head when I find them in inexpensive shops.

For the first Christmas after I moved in to my new house, my family bought me a variety of gifts; some, like the serving dishes, were fantastic (they're quite plain, but match my cheap, plain white crockery); others, like the ceramic chickens, have no practical purpose and have just been left to one side as I have no where to put them where they don't look out of place (especially in my living room). I know an equal amount of thought was put into both gifts, but one relative doesn't know me at all and the other was spot on.

There's another girl out there (maybe my sister?!) who would have loved the ceramic chickens, but hated the serving dishes.

It's about knowing the couple. It's not money-saving if the gift is a waste of money!

For the guy who said he'd fish out a bottle of champagne from his kitchen cupboard - right on! If the gift was right it doesn't matter where you get it from, but what's right for one couple isn't right for everyone.

full-time-mum

MSE_Jenny wrote: »

Can you go giftless to a wedding?

It’s wedding season. You’ve been invited to five different weddings over the next two months, each with a long gift list; expecting you to spend £25 - £50 per person. You’re broke, but they’re all good friends of either you or your partner. Should you borrow money to pay for the gifts, not go, or go without buying anything from the gift list? Enter the Money Moral Maze: Can you go giftless to a wedding?

If they are true friends, then it is more important to have you share their day with them rather than bankrupt yourself.

When we got married, we produced a present list because we were asked for one. We were careful to select a range of gifts from a range of price ranges. We did not expect to recieve gifts.

We went out of our way to make sure that we made every effort possible to enable people to come.
eg: Providing someone to sit outside the church to babysit, finding cheap accomodation/putting up friends who were still students and had no money.

A wedding is about love, commitment and friendship. It is NOT about raking in expensive gifts.

My biggest disappointment was that one close friend couldn't come because she was sitting her accountancy exams the next week. We tried to find a way around it so she could study and attend but she lived too far away. We even rang her the week before and told her it wasn't too late to change her mind if she felt she was on top of her study.

And the other way, I couldn't attend (coincedently) same friends wedding because my DD was 7 weeks old and there was a blanket ban on children. As I was breastfeeding, it was just out of the question. I was extremely upset and felt discriminated against - but that was their choice.

Having said all that, I would feel awkward going without a present. I would try and find an alternative. Offer to take some informal photos of the event or help in some other way - offer to water the plants/feed the cat whilst they were on honeymoon, a meal when they arrived back, put some cakes in their freezer for their return - that sort of thing.. The thoughtful personal gifts are always more special anyway. Now, I would probably get a cheap white plate and get DD to personalise it using ceramic paints.

SkintAgain

Wow - what a busy subject ! Well for my two bobs worth - I have recently had the great pleasure , in a way, of seeing my only daughter married.
Yes, it cost a lot of money - but as I say, it was my only daughter - I was very sad in a way to see her go off married, but for her day, I wanted to do what I could to make it for her. More specifically on the subject - I know there were ones there that didnt bring or give gifts - because they couldnt afford too. We are not a rich family-obviously- and our circle of friends are generally in the same tub... but we and our daughter and her new husband would have been seriously depressed if people hadn't come to see her married and enjoy her day with her just because they couldn't afford to 'give'!
They were all invited to have a good time, a wonderful day and share with them their day - not to cost them money if they couldn't afford it. She would have been more than happy to have had no gifts but ALL her friends there if thats what it took.
The mentality of people in the world today that you cant go giftless to a wedding is seriously flawed.
True friends means that just by being there - should be seen as the greatest gift of all - and to have been invited in the first place.
Thank you for reading.... as I say, just my two bobs worth
SA ( and more so now