How long to leave it before having children?

jellyhead

my friend persuaded her boyfriend to start trying ealier than he'd planned due to her being 35 and having a fertility problem that worsens with age. she fell pregnant straight away and they're in a financial mess now - ooops! they're still happy though.

i have a couple of things going against me - pcos and endometriosis but i did get pregnant after 3 years of trying. it was just after a small operation to remove some endometriosis. my aunt with pcos got pregnant at 40 after using fertility drugs. it's not always a disaster. also some people feel that if they left it too late and then couldn't have children they'd adopt.

funky-footprints

I realy dont think there is a right time or a wrong time to be honest ! We had number 1 when I was 27 and number 2 at 29, however I lost 2 babies before number 1 and another 1 inbetween, I dont know why ? and knowing that it took 2 years to have our first child am glad we started trying when we did, as we were relitively young. Hubby also was in a fantastic job at the time, and money realy wasnt an issue.

Now Im 31 and hubby has taken a huge paycut and cash is tight (asset wise we are ok, but we dont realy want to spend away what we have for our future) His job as a trainee wont see, him what he was earning for another 2/3 years and Im desperate for a number 3, while hubby is now thinking in 12 months I can prob go back to work full time !!!! If we go ahead with trying for number 3 ... will it happen straight away ? ... will we have to go with the heartache of losses again ? and itll be another 3 or 4 years after babies birth before I am employable again.

like a lot have posted there is no right time and
no wrong time .. good luck with your decision.
x

Savvy_Sue

sooperlooper wrote:

And to top it off his mother is encouraging him to go back home (he's from Canada), to stop 'marginalising his life' and 'go out and have better experiences that will allow him to make better choices in his life'. I.e. get rid of me!!!

We never really know what's the 'right time', but of course the question "is this the right person" also needs asking.

I wonder if you need to ask your bf who comes first, you or his mother. Maybe not now, and maybe you're not in any doubt. But if he's going to come under pressure from her then it's good to be sure he's not going to crumble under it!

I do hope that if my sons ever bring home girls I don't like that I'll keep my views to myself! (Actually, ever bringing home girls seems a bit unlikely right now ...) Equally, I'm sure that if I don't, my dh will shut me up pdq!

summerday

I'm pleased my thread has become 'active' again, the more views the better as it's all the more food for thought for me. I do still think about when the right time will be, but in truth I love my life at the moment, I like going to work and my extra part time business that I'm doing I really enjoy, I love my social life and having lots of time being just with OH. I have a very clear vision that one day it will be different, and I know that I won't have a problem giving these other things up, but I feel I would like a few more years living my life as it is now. Plus, OH and I have only been together 2 and a half years and with a few more years together we will be all the more closer and ready to have a child. It is encouraging to see that there are quite a lot of posters who have had kids in their 30s. I know it is more of a gamble fertility-wise, but my gut instinct is to wait until 30 or 31 before trying, as by then I will have my qualification and a mortgage that OH could manage on his own if I didn't go back to work.

It was only fairly recently that I was talking to my mum about this very subject, explaining my dilemma, and she told me that she didn't have me till she was 29, my sister when she was 31 and my other sister was a 'bonus surprise' at 36. Her advice to me was to enjoy my 20s, and think about kids at 30. Fingers crossed I'll be as lucky as her!

It's still nioce to read all your stories/views so feel free to keep them coming!

Sarah.x

Judi101

Spendless,

sorry for delay in reply, just checked in again. No I will qualify for smp to the best of my knowledge but wont qualify for the extra 90% of my salary for the first 6 weeks that work pays - which I would have done if I had gotten pregnant 4 weeks later. But as I said it doesnt bother me one little bit. I am now almost 6 months gone and have loved every bit of it. Difficult bit coming up but I am almost starting to believe now that everything is going to be ok (ie with the health of the baby).

Judi

kiwichick

Hi Sarah,

I am 25 and have 3 already! I always wanted children and love them to bits but in hindsight I would do what you are thinking about and waited.

Its not just the expense you need to think about before planning children. I have found that it has really affected me and how I feel about myself.

Even with going out to baby groups/clubs there is a sense of social isolation and you really loose a sense of self. I love all my kid to pieces and would never be without them but feel as though I have no identity aside from being their mum.

I've never had a career or gone to uni and really wish that I had. I know people say I can go now but I know I never will, I want to be here for my kids and will only ever work part time to get a bit of extra.

This sounds like a ramble and I'm not making a lot of sense but bear with me.

You obviously love working and have plans for yourself and your partner for the long term. I would stick with them and achive your goals first. You wont have any regrets that way and 31/32 isnt that old to start a family. I am by far the youngest amongst my group of friends. The average is 33/34 and we all have the same age kids.

Hope this makes some kind of sense to you! You WILL love your kids whenever you choose to have them, try not to stress about it too much.

sooperlooper

Savvy_Sue wrote:

We never really know what's the 'right time', but of course the question "is this the right person" also needs asking.

I wonder if you need to ask your bf who comes first, you or his mother. Maybe not now, and maybe you're not in any doubt. But if he's going to come under pressure from her then it's good to be sure he's not going to crumble under it!

I do hope that if my sons ever bring home girls I don't like that I'll keep my views to myself! (Actually, ever bringing home girls seems a bit unlikely right now ...) Equally, I'm sure that if I don't, my dh will shut me up pdq!

Thanks for replying

Yeh, it's a tricky one! How long should you give it before you know whether it is or isn't the right one? Obviously sometimes you know instantly - but what what if you don't? What if it doesn't feel wrong as such - but you're not sure if they're 'the One'?

I've attempted to ask the bf about how he feels about his mum - it's hard because they have a difficult relationship. She can be quite hurtful towards him, hence he puts up this barrier of 'well, it's just her - she's like that'. He's accepted her behaviour far better than i ever could!!! :mad:
She even refuses to come to Britain and see where he's living, the life he's made here, his job, etc. He doesn't think this will ever change, even if he never goes back to canada. He still sticks up for her, despite the fact she obviously hurts him so much.

I've asked my friends and family for advice about our relationship too but they've been great. They've been extremely supportive but they've tried hard not to take sides and see it from both points of view. They all understand how difficult it is and that ultimately it has to be my decision. And above all that, they've all been amazingly willing to be on the end of a phone at all hours and let me vent it all!

Surely that's what any good mother/friend should do - why can't his be the same?

Savvy_Sue

sooperlooper wrote:

The bits that i was able to tackle him about he's answered really vaguely, deflected or used a version of the 'truth'. Just don't quite know how to handle it all now... can't quite bring myself to completely believe or trust him at the moment, but i suppose that takes time...

Not sure I could live with that ... I mean, vagueness, yes, that's par for the course with my DH if he hasn't had prior notice of a 'deep' question and time to think about it, and maybe short-term deflection, but I need my chaps to give me the truth! Gently, of course, if it's something I don't want to hear ... but if I think someone's NOT saying something I don't want to hear I'm likely to ask outright! Feel for you ...

ginger_nuts

My brother and sister inlaw got married on my brothers 21st birthday .
19 months later when they where both 22 they had a baby ,my nephew .They where really poor living in a one bedroom flat,paying high rent to a private landlord .They decided to put off having more children for a while . They where both young and thought they had lots off time for more children .When my brother was 26 and again at 28 he developed cancer . The result being that he couldnt have any more children.The one thing they are thankfull for is my nephew now aged 26.

FrankieM

ahmilligan wrote:

Hi Sarah,

I am 25 and have 3 already! I always wanted children and love them to bits but in hindsight I would do what you are thinking about and waited.

Its not just the expense you need to think about before planning children. I have found that it has really affected me and how I feel about myself.

Even with going out to baby groups/clubs there is a sense of social isolation and you really loose a sense of self. I love all my kid to pieces and would never be without them but feel as though I have no identity aside from being their mum.

I've never had a career or gone to uni and really wish that I had. I know people say I can go now but I know I never will, I want to be here for my kids and will only ever work part time to get a bit of extra.

This sounds like a ramble and I'm not making a lot of sense but bear with me.

You obviously love working and have plans for yourself and your partner for the long term. I would stick with them and achive your goals first. You wont have any regrets that way and 31/32 isnt that old to start a family. I am by far the youngest amongst my group of friends. The average is 33/34 and we all have the same age kids.

Hope this makes some kind of sense to you! You WILL love your kids whenever you choose to have them, try not to stress about it too much.

I could really relate to everything you said...I managed 4 children before my 25th birthday.
Just to give you hope though, all my children were at school by my 30th. So I felt very much that my 'me' time could start then. Got a bass guitar for my birthday and have been learning to play. Started doing some voluntary work as well, though I actually like being at home and pottering around..

And at 32 I am still one of the youngest mums at the school gate, which feels very strange!