How long to leave it before having children?

shays_mum

Its never a right time really, i could have put it off forever, mortgage, holidays etc etc. Had quite by chance my 1st @ 29 then my 2nd 10m ago aged 31. I am a f/t mum, its really hard financially, but by the time i'm 35 at the most they will be in f/t school, so i am happy to do it. These have been the best years of my whole life as they bring me soooo much joy, i would have it no other way

pozalina

Hi Sarah,

Like you I've been thinking of having a baby - and at 31 the biological clock's tick is getting louder! I feel ready, DP is ready, and my career is at a point where it would be a convenient time for a break. Unfortunately DP is not working at the moment as we have moved 150 miles away from previous home and he hasn't found anything yet.

This is the only thing stopping us and it is so frustrating. I can't help blaming him either, cos I feel he should be trying harder. He's a self employed decorator and would either have to get a job working for someone (much less money than he is used to) or start building up a client group, which he really hasn't got the motivation to do. I have thought about issuing him with an ultimatum e.g. get a job by christmas but i dont know if this is fair or not...

Anyway, I just wanted to agree with those of you who say the desire to have a baby takes over and becomes more important than anything else. But sometimes it is important to listen to the sensible side of yourself so you dont end up in debt!

Fingers crossed for a job for DP!

poz xx

Lady_E

Hello , well done for having the maturity to think about things and to have found Mr Right . I thought I had found Mr Right in my twenties only to discover he was not for me. My early thirties were spent enjoying myself , travelling etc and then Mr Right appears on my doorstep at the grand old age of 37. Had DS no 1 at 38 and DS no 2 at 41. Whilst I was not the oldest Mum on the ward , I certainly was not the youngest LOL.
Whilst financially and careerwise this is the best time , I just wonder what the future holds. My advice would be to enjoy your life WHATEVER happens , planning is good but children, in my view, are a joy whatever your age . x

Judi101

Hi Sarah,

just thought I'd add my thoughts on this one. I am currently pregnant with our first and will be 33 in a month. My husband is 5 years older than I am and while we do have the occasional panic attack about being too old before just wasnt right for us. Financially we do have money in the bank to pay through my maternity leave and I am in a job where there is a good chance they will allow me to work part time later (childcare is way way expensive!) plus we have a very small mortgage. We decided not to move to a larger house to make sure we could afford the ongoing costs. Having said all of that you cant plan for everything and if you wait until everything else in your life is just right you'll never have children. After worrying that I might have difficulty getting pregnant I fell pregnant the first month which was great, however if I had left that a month I would have gotten maternity pay from work. It doesnt bother me though - the baby is whats important. Wait until you both feel right, but dont wait until everything else is just spot on to have a baby 'cos it never will be and by then it will be too late. I'd agree with Lady E - enjoy your life whatever happens.

Spendless

Judi101 wrote:

Hi Sarah,

I fell pregnant the first month which was great, however if I had left that a month I would have gotten maternity pay from work. It doesnt bother me though - the baby is whats important.

Do you mean you won't get SMP? Have you checked whether you're entitled to Maternity Allowance? In the 66 weeks upto babys due date have you worked for 26 weeks of them (doesn't have to be consecutive) earning an average of at least £30? If so claim MA. I packed in a part time job due to ill-health when i was 4 months pregnant but still got MA cos i met the above conditions. I told another member on here about it too and she claimed. A friend of mine disbeleived what i said and lost out on money she was entitled to.

black-saturn

Theres never really a right time to have children. If you waited for the right time you would wait forever. I had my first at 24 and another at 27 and that was OK for me.

Little word of warning though. A friend of mine wanted children but kept putting it off and putting it off because they wanted their house exactly how they wanted it, loads of savings in the bank and better careers. When she finally thought she had all that in place they started trying for a baby. But they were at it for months and months with no success. In the end they had tests and it turned out she had a fertility problem which got worse with age and would probably never conceive. She was only 32 at the time. So sometimes it's not good to wait too long.

crispeater

i was 29 when i had my first and 31 with my 2nd. i have to say i seem to fall pregnant very easily, either that or the vodka helps relax me coz i was !!!!!! on both occassions lol :beer: (same dad btw!) :rotfl:

my mum was 33 when she had me but i was her 3rd.. but saying that there is an 8 year gap between me and my sister so i suppose thats quite a long time to wait!

auntywalker2

I was 34 and 35 when I had my two 13 months apart. We waited until we felt ready, then I felt that needed to have my second straight away, as we knew we wanted more than one (as have step-son too, so done the one child scenario for 10 yrs).

Works well for us, but it's hard both working full-time with two toddlers, and the childcare cost a fortune. One is at school now and one at nursery. They do completely change your life, but it's fantastic, wouldn't have missed it for the world!

sooperlooper

I really symapthise with your dilemma. It's so hard these days when there are so many different pressures!
I was 26, in a long term, stable relationship and thinking (very vaguely!) of doing a PhD when my first mom warned me that 'the biological clock was ticking' and that with another 3 years of education when did i plan on breeding, etc, etc. I was totally flabbergasted! I'd never ever thought of 'planning' the whole kids thing around my career! I always knew i wanted kids but - maybe this is naiive of me - just thought I'd know when the time was right.
I must admit though, it did set me thinking about when would it be 'the right time'? How would i know?

A few years on, and I never did that PhD - though I'm quite glad!! I travelled, I did lots of volunteering, did a MSc, had fun and made 100's of friends (ended up quite broke, but hey, I lived a little!). That long term relationship also ended too - which i deeply regret. I wasn't ready to tackle the biological clock then - it didn't seem relevent.

Now I'm in a very different relationship with a man 8 years younger, I'm now 30 - and the whole 'clock' thing is coming up again. We've been together 3 years and have just gone through a bit of a rough patch but i have found out recently he's told his friends and family that he has no intention of ever marrying me or having children with me. I found all of this out 2nd hand, totally by accident. I wonder when he was going to think to tell me about all this? :eek:

To top all it off his mother is encouraging him to go back home (he's from abroad), to stop 'marginalising his life' and go out and experience the world before settling down, to help make absolutely sure that the person he is with is the right one (as in, she doesn't think i am!!!) :mad:

So now I have a big dilemma myself. I want to have kids eventually. I want to get married one day. I'm not ready for either of these things right now but it's something that i do want to do before I'm too old to be able too! Obviously it must be with the right man too and to be honest after all we've been through it'll take a while for me to work out whether this is the man I'm with now!

But what if in a few years he still doesn't feel ready to have kids with me? He has never said 'never' to me, as such... but it seems he has said as much to his parents. I would never force him into anything he didn't want to do, and I'm quite aware of not making a 22 year old into a 30 year old. He's just started out on his career at the moment, which seems to have rapidly taken over our lives - and he says he just wants to focus on that at the moment. I think a certain amount of the unrest he's feeling is due to his new circle of friends too.

So, should I stay and wait and see what happens, see if he comes round eventually? Or just cut my losses and leave now? What if i never find anyone else? What if i find them and it's too late to have children? I've already found one soulmate and stupidly let him go - will i ever find another? Am i just destined to be a crochety old spinster who breeds spaniels and makes jam?!!! :eek:

So there you have it. Wait it out? Or go it alone and take my chances?
Any advice really would be much appreciated.



Sorry. I've just realised i've gone off at a tangent and taken over your thread!

I suppose what I'm really saying is - people change, situations change. What does your partner think about all this stuff? Does he really want to have children yet? What are his plans in life? You've already found your man so you're half way there really. It's ok to want to have a little control over your life and plan things. Just don't set things in stone as they invariably have a way of not working out as you thought - not that that's a bad thing though, it's part of the adventure of life (ugh! that sounds cheesy!!!). It's true though - if everything did work out to plan, it wouldn't be half as exciting or challenging. Wasn't there a quote about life is 1% what you do and 99% how you deal with it....? (or something like that)!!!

You're still young - make sure do both do all the things in life you want to before you commit to children. It's a massive committment, and very worthwhile, but only when you're both fully prepared and ready to face it full on. Save, plan ahead, be able to adapt when things don't go quite as planned and enjoy every minute of not having kids together before they actually come along. When they do it'll make it all the more enjoyable. You'll have so many more valuable life experiences to pass on to them, and won't be sitting there when they are 20-something's thinking 'I wish I'd done that when i was young'.
Yes, it's ok to leave it until 'the bank balance allows'. Having kids is a unique, wonderful, special experience but still very hard in many ways - why make it harder by adding money worries on top! You'll know when the time is right for you both.

Hope you have a wonderful life together.
Take care.

Spendless

black-saturn wrote:

Little word of warning though. A friend of mine wanted children but kept putting it off and putting it off because they wanted their house exactly how they wanted it, loads of savings in the bank and better careers. When she finally thought she had all that in place they started trying for a baby. But they were at it for months and months with no success. In the end they had tests and it turned out she had a fertility problem which got worse with age and would probably never conceive. She was only 32 at the time. So sometimes it's not good to wait too long.

A similar thing happened to a friend of mine. She had one who was approaching 5 and had started thinking of possibly another in few years times, when she also got told she had a fertility problem that would get worse over time. She was told if she wanted another she needed to 'get on with it'. They weren't in a good financial position to do so and though she would have made the sacrifices, her husband wasn't prepared to. She was 30 when this happened.

That's the thing though isn't it- whilst she was having fertility problems at 30. I was conceiving straight away at an older age. You don't know which you're going to be.

To the poster above me-soz-forgot your username-really hope you sort things out.