How long to leave it before having children?

Lipsticklady

Its so difficult. I like you would like children one day. At nearly 24 its something i have thought about due to the complications associated with having children in your mid thirties.

We would all like to be financially secure with a big house and a happy marriage. Unfortunately, in many cases we cant have it all.

My friend is 26. She has an average sized house and has just got married. Like alot of people she planned to do things in the right order 'marriage/ house/baby'. Sadly, the thing she wants the most has not yet happened. Her doctor said she has ovulation problems.

Thats not to say it is all doom and gloom. My aunt at 33 has had her first children - twins. Prior to becoming pregnant she had all the anxiety about pregnancy. Thankfully everything worked out fine.

I suppose the thing with life is to work out whats important to you, when you have, everything else will fall in to place. :A

dadrock

We have 2 kids, 1 born when we were 35, other when we were 39. Both healthy and everything we hoped for. Most of our close friends also had kids in their mid thirties too. Oldest having their 2nd at aged 41. All no probs. It seems the media highlights the problems that are potentially there (fair enough) but in reality for us and others we know, all is fine.
I personally wouldnt want them younger than that. Once you have kids, you are no longer independent. There was too much to do in my 20s!!!

I remember friends in the past who had kids in early 20s looking forward to being to being 40 odd and "doing it all then when the kids are grown up." That hasn't happened!!!

sjpkgp

Hiya, always a tough thing to plan out. Unfortunately I didn't plan it quite so well and ended up walking up the aisle 6 months pregnant aged 28. After the initial shock we were happy enough and heartbroken when he was later stillborn. Desperate to have another, the second baby (a boy) was born within the year (no problems conceiving) and the third (a girl) the year later. Things were hard with two babies so close together so we took depo provero (contraceptive injections). Six years on, had my second girl last June and having my last one (a boy) next week, nearly 38 now and won't be having any more (choice thing due to age of us both). I would probably conclude that had the heartbreak not happened with the first we may not have had four - we have always been very grateful for them. Also I had to go through the amnio with this one and my girl last year due to high risk of problems and age. The pregnancies have got harder and I have encountered more problems. The depo provera (or maybe it was just my age) also seemed to damage my fertility and more "effort" was put into No. 3 and No. 4, apparently your fertility drops off pretty sharpish 35 onwards.
Some days I wish I had had them earlier, or closer together, other days I am glad about the way things worked out. Sometimes look back longingly on my child-free days, or wish that I could do some very basic things that child-free friends seem to take for granted (go the toilet in peace being a prime example, nipping the pub for last orders another) other times I remember how hollow it sometimes felt.

I think it is great to plan, but I have never met anyone who has ever regretted having a baby, and if the plans don't turn out the way that you had planned, don't let it worry you - children do completely change your life but like the vast majority of us, you will do fine once they come.

dellas

Hi Sarah

I know exactly how you feel having been there myself. I am now 30 with a 10 month old son and just coming to the end of my 12 month maternity leave (3 weeks to go), and am the happiest I have ever been in my life after spending years pursuing my career.

Obviously everyone's circumstances differ totally, but my experience was that I spent almost 10 years getting to a level in my career where I felt it was "safe" to take time out to start a family. When I started my career I wasn't remotely interested in children, but once that clock starts ticking... I thoroughly enjoy(ed) my job and it suited me to a T, but nothing could have prepared me for the absolute love and pleasure I have got from having my son, or the relentless hard work it would be. And after all those years of working my guts out my career is so far down my list of priorities I can barely be bothered, especially as it is only really a job I can do in London which means 3 hours a day travelling.

I have a number of other friends in a similar boat - all "professional women" who wanted to develop their careers first. 2 of them waited until they were 40 and then struggled to get pregnant, and both have found it has taken them a long time to recover too. And believe me, motherhood is damn hard work!

Also, I don't think you will ever feel the time is completely right - there is always something which could be better, more organised, more money in the bank etc.

So my best advice is:

- if you are going to spend time developing your career before you start a family, bear in mind that your priorities will probably change dramatically afterwards and you may not give a damn about it. So train in one that gives you skills you can take anywhere and allows you to work flexible hours.

- don't wait forever for the perfect financial situation - just be sensible. as long as you can provide a loving and secure home, that's enough

- don't leave it too long. IVF can be a long, painful process and may not succeed. Do it while you are young enough to have the good health and energy to enjoy it!

I wish you every happiness and success,and hope you get as much pleasure from motherhood as I am.

Claire

delluver

I'm 25, and still looking for the right man after thinking I'd found him, but that was 6 years wasted (if you look at it in terms of having to find another guy that's right before you have kids). The years fly by don't they? I'll be 30 soon! :eek: (nearly 26). I actually prefer living at home with my folks to being attached to a moany old slave driver with a heavy mortgage. I'm heaps better off now financially after letting him buy me out, only having to pay for my Internet bill and techie treats :rotfl: . I'm the happiest I've ever been - don't want kids ruining it just yet. I'm a new aged woman! I enjoy the same things as a typical betchellor lad and there's nowt wrong with that. GIRL POWER :rotfl: :T

Roxie

I had a fantastic time in my 20s, did everything I wanted to do. I think I had to get that out of my system before considering children. I decided at 31 that the time was right for a baby, luckily husband agreed and we conceived on our first attempt (not so lucky for him :rolleyes: think he was looking forward to lots of practice). Number 2 arrived when I was 35, again conceived on first attempt.

I/we hadn't any great plans to work to, we simply felt the time was right for us to become a family. I felt far better prepared for parenthood at this age, and OK I'm one of the older mothers at the school gates but who gives a fig!! I don't feel old, my children keep my outlook young, I look at other women my age, some of whom are grandmothers :eek: and I feel so glad I waited.

november

saraht wrote:

I bet that one day my hormones will kick in big time and the rest won't matter. But until they do kick in I guess I'm just trying to plan things as best I can.

I think you are fine trying to plan as best as you can but then allowing for any hormone kicking in thing.

Says me who swore never until they kicked pretty early*. I had my first at 25, my second at 29 and my third at 33. The third, incidentally, was a lucky accident so obviously nothing much had declined by then although I have heard fertility starts to decline after 35.

I can say though that when it kicked it was pretty overwhelming which felt really wierd at the time and totally changed my priorities. I blame my sister as she had 2 by then and I used to babysit Never did get to do my 'around the world' travelling Well not yet anyway as I'm a long time not dead yet

*Mind you it was worked out differently back then and I was actually considered an older first time mum :eek: (I was the oldest at my GP's)

bonvonnie

Everybody has different priorities, at different stages of their life.

I've always wanted to be a young SAHM, and I was lucky to found the one young.
Married at 23, convieved on honeymoon,
baby 1 born when I was 24,
and baby 2 was born when I was 25

I'm totally happy how things have worked out, I'm lucky to have a hubby who has businesses doing well, therefore enabling me to SAH, live in a biggish house, and have a big new car.

we didnt have loads of savings when we married, just a house and car.
now, financially we dont suffer.

on the other hand, my older sister doesnt want kids till shes at least 35, but thats her choice. but i think that i can still have a life when the kids grow up.
I will be 40yo when my 1st turns 16, so plenty of life for me yet.

being younger having kids, you have the energy for the sleepless nights and chasing the kids around.

bobsa1

I have three children, eldest nearly twelve, an eight year old and a one year old. We had the first when I was 25 and planned to have three within four years, not three within eleven years!!

I had problems getting pregnant, staying pregnant and being pregnant. I won't bore anyone with the details, but I have found that nothing is better than having my girls.

It was hard work having a baby at 25 and at the time I was studying to get on in my career. It was hard work having a second at twenty eight and I stopped work for a while as husband worked away all week.

I now work part time and it is hard work at 36 with three kids.

I don't think there is any right answer to this question but I do think that you should go with your gut instinct and I do feel that all children are a gift!!

Nikki

When to have kids is down to personal choice. I was born broody and wanted kids before I hit 30. Had my first at 22 (son) second at 25 (daughter) and third at 27(son). Glad I had them early as my oldest has ADHD & ODD and I'd never have coped with him if I was older, he really does wear me out!! Also when I hit 40 they'll be 18, 15 & 13, my life will begin at 40! My parents also had me & my sisters young (mum was 25 and dad was 27 when 4th and last daughter was born) they now earn loads despite having had no career training and are always going on fab holidays.