Needing a major vent!

bagpuss_fan

I'm sorry, but this guy will NEVER EVER CHANGE.
So if you're wondering where you're going to be in 10 years time, the answer is still in exactly the same position (but probably with even more debt run up by him).
Do you really want that?
I know it's a hard decision to make, but sounds like you've almost made it. All he's doing is dragging you down with him. Good luck x
x

jay11_2

I love consoles, and when I'm off them (being a fickle one) I've no issues with DH playing on his, I enjoy the peace

Just waiting for wii fit now, I lurve mario too, and just don't look at teh gory stuff DH plays, live n let live say I

pebbles88

i will admit consoles can be good. if you both like them - fab, if your dh does - then at least you get a bit a peace every now and then!

but i do kick off if dh pays non stop neglecting other duties ie household etc.

its all about finding the happy medium, after all, im sure there are a fair share of ladies out there fighting with their OH over them (ladies) spending too much time on consoles?

Jo_R_2

Hi Sammy

Your boyfriend sounds very similar to my ex. He would go out and spend our shopping money on beer. I would get the guilt trip if I said anything about him wanting to go out, he'd say, "well I've arranged it now", or "I haven't seen the boys in ages", or "don't I deserve to have a night out now and again?"

I too 'mothered' him. I bailed us out time and again right from when we first moved in together, and even now he's been gone a year and I get no maintenance from him and still have the loan I took out to pay off his debts which he's never given me a penny for. If I'd ever let him actually take responsibility for his actions then he might have seen the damage he was doing but instead I was there time after time cleaning up his vomit when he decided to come in at night after missing work because he wanted to go on a bender, effectively being a single parent to two very young children whilst working four days a week and looking after the house, being made to look like a neurotic girlfriend who didn't want the boyfriend to have any fun...

The only reason I didn't get him to leave sooner was because I was worried about managing on my own. Then realised I'd been doing it anyway for such a long time that there was no need to worry about it.

He's still at it now, I pity the poor woman he's gotten married to! People like this do not have a need to change as long as there is someone to bail them out, like his parents and you. You seriously need to decide if it is worth staying. What effects will this be having on your son? And why on earth are you looking after his other son every time he comes over to see his dad? That is so wrong.

jay11_2

Pebbles: i will admit consoles can be good. if you both like them - fab, if your dh does - then at least you get a bit a peace every now and then!

but i do kick off if dh pays non stop neglecting other duties ie household etc.

its all about finding the happy medium, after all, im sure there are a fair share of ladies out there fighting with their OH over them (ladies) spending too much time on consoles?

Well I'm pretty easygoing, like lots of space to do my thing, but if I get pushed too far, well, he knows about it:mad: .

We've had our moments over the years, and I do have to say 'oy there I want help NOW' at times, but other times I bite my tongue (and kill him later:D ).

It's just a kind of muddling along thing this relationship stuff isn't it? If he'd ever behaved like OP's fella in the early days tho...he'd have been out the door! I'm sure he'd say the same for me tho, cuts both ways.

pebbles88

jay11 wrote: »

Well I'm pretty easygoing, like lots of space to do my thing, but if I get pushed too far, well, he knows about it:mad: .

We've had our moments over the years, and I do have to say 'oy there I want help NOW' at times, but other times I bite my tongue (and kill him later:D ).

It's just a kind of muddling along thing this relationship stuff isn't it? If he'd ever behaved like OP's fella in the early days tho...he'd have been out the door! I'm sure he'd say the same for me tho, cuts both ways.

i know what you mean, i dare say i aint the only one to threaten to cut a plug off if you know what i mean

IWasWondering...

Hi SammyKaye,
For your own sake (and your sons) get out.
Cancel the phone - he can get himself a PAYG sim card.
He's taking you for a MUG. He's paying £48 a week all in - and borrowing some back! And he's only got £115 a week left for himself (according to my calculator and your earlier post).
Get out girl - pack his bags and tell him to take his mates offer up.
Don't forget to change the locks.
You have enough to do looking after yourself and your son.
((((hugs))))

yoni_one

Hi SammyKaye

You sound so organised and responsible, I am so sorry for you and your son that your bloke is the exact opposite and the worry about his behaviour has contributed to panic attacks rearing up again and tearful episodes. (hugs) to you, these things alone are a nightmare to live with let alone having to live with his complete lack of consideration to you both. Looking at your previous threads he does sound pretty emotionally and financially controlling.

In no way are you or his mum to blame for his lack of responsibility but it does sound like you are both enabling it to continue by continually bailing him out. Your reasons for doing so may not primarily be to help him out but to help or protect his mum, however while you continue to do this he will continue to allow it and it sounds like he relies on your guilt and manipulates it so that you will continue to do it. Its a pretty common tactic.

I am really worried for you because my own mum allowed this to happen with my brother, he was sincere in his promise to repay the money but he always had other priorities and many years later he now owes her £10,000 plus there is a further £8,000 he owes to credit cards that are in her name because his credit was so poor she allowed him to use hers on the promise he would repay them. He is a good man underneath but nevertheless he has taken advantage of his relationship with her and now neither of them have money and he is suggesting she takes capital out on her home to pay off the credit card repayments that he cannot afford to pay.

I'm not after support or suggestions regarding their position but rather trying to demonstrate the position you could easily be in some years down track (my brother is now in his 40s and this has been going on since he was in his 20s, he is still waiting for that lucky break to land on his feet so he can repay his debts).

You have already done the Math, he has more money than you to play with yet his regard for priorities puts you right at the bottom, you have several options to choose from, some are

1) Learn to say no.

2) Continue as you are and seek support on these forums when you are once again struggling to make ends meet because you have agreed to cover his debts

3) Show him the math and ask him to agree to a bugetting plan (if he refuses what does that say about his long term plans with you?).

4) Get the phone contract out of your name, cancel it whatever, and never ever allow him to build up debt in your name again.

5) Dump him and take your chances having only to manage your own finances.

6) Stay with him and take your chances having to manage yours and his.

There is loads of advice out there regarding taking back financial control, one of the places you might not have thought to access it is Womens Aid (I work for this organisation), they have outreach workers who can support you with these issues in a non-judgemental manner even when you choose to stay with your partner.

It might be worth a consideration. You can find your local office on www.womensaid.org.uk

I really hope you find the strength to apply your life skills to your relationship.

(hug)

sammy_kaye18

Well last night was eventful to say the least.

I was due to start work at 6pm (i have worked the same job, same days, same hours for the last 2+ years). Eventually at 6.30 had to ring him and say 'where are you?' to which he replied 'why?' and when i pointed it out it was friday he shouted 'oh !!!!' down the phone and said he was hurrying home from picking his other son up. As you can imagine I was not well impressed and got a right telling off when i got into work for being an hour late. So i left a note to him just saying
' left note because didnt have time to talk, XXXXX not well, been to hospital, is ok but not in mood for visitors - just a severe ear infection.
Also theres no milk, no sugar and no butter. The 'stork' in the fridge is baking stuff and tastes minging on toast so wouldnt recommend it.
Also I dont think tomorrow night is a good idea considering how financially [EMAIL="f@ucked"]f@ucked[/EMAIL] we are.
Didnt have time to talk to you because of your forgetfulness you dipstick. Love Sam p.s Say goodnight to XXX and XXXX for me.'

(think you'll agree thats not a nasty letter by any means)

so i eventually got into work last night at 7pm - and at 7.10 recieved this text. (will just say it is a nsaty one so if your sensitive dont read)

'Just so you know your an ungrateful c*unt, I have spent the last couple of weeks sorting out my debts and they are now all paid off. I went through the CAB and have saved £2000 by going through them. And to be honest I dont care abotu your opinion on what i should do tomorrow as you never listen to me you dirty b*tch. when you start caring about being dirty and having the flat in a filthy state, then i might give a sh*t! Sick of telling you how dirty the place is. You do !!!! all about it apart from watch TV. How does that help?'

1) i had no idea he was sorting let alone paid off his debts
2) not needed when your stood behind a till for the next 4 hours
3) how bloody dare he!

At this point i could go into a huge rant about why everythign he has said in it is wrong - mainly most the 'stuff' in this house is his cr*ppy car/bike bits/magazines etc and hes bloody disgusting. and as for doign nothing - no i do mor ethan my fair bloody share fo stuff in the house ot to mention all the bloody baking/cooking etc. I raise our son, pay all the bills, when bens in school i walk the dog (jack russell so needs like hour plus fo a decent walk) which he bloody wanted and now ignores! :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

gggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...............................

i told him when i came home that my note wasnt ment in a horrible way and just had the reply ' well im sick of you telling me what to do' at which point i got up and went to bed - where in that letter did i tell him to or not to do anything?

I think we are definately done. I mean who talks like that to their girlfriend of 5 years?

Any ideas on how i should approach this with work? - Im ment to be in tomorrow from 3 - 10pm and have little one which i dont fancy leaving with him because I know he'll end up palmed off on my mother in law who has my very sick nephew at the minute. Would it be a good idea just to go in and quit?

pinkpig08

HOW DARE HE???!!!!
Sammy I think you know the answer by now. WHY didn't he tell you he was sorting out his debts? He obviously knows it's a bad point, so why would he not tell you he was doing something about it? I may sound cynical but do you think he really has sorted it - or just saying that to make you feel bad?

DON'T quit your job. He's made enough of a mess already without making your life even worse. Could you find a childminder in your area if you don;t have any family? I know they cost but at the end of the day HE shouldn't cost you your job.

Do you have any friends who could have your son, and you do a favour for them in return?

He's acting like a spoilt child, I think you should call his bluff and tell him to s*d off to his mates house. You deserve so much better Sammy.