Needing a major vent!

Rachie_B

oh sammy

do what YOU want / need to do

go home to your mum and people who really CARE about you

he obviously doesnt give a !!!!!! about you !!

don't take more and more yrs ( and post more and more threads !) of this !!

shellsuit

Sammy, when he's up and about, see if he apologises. Ask him to sit with you while you tell him how you feel. If he is willing to listen and do something about his behaviour (ie, not go to the party and instead stay at home and talk through where your relationship is going), then bear with it and see what happens.

If he doesn't apologise, or want to talk, and still goes to the party, then I'd kick his backside to the kerb as he obviously isn't interested in your feelings, or the relationship.

Do you have any holidays you can take at work? Maybe having a break and a week off to sort everything out will give you time to think about what it is you want for you and your son.

Keep us posted and chin up xxxx

yoni_one

Hi again Sammy, it's really easy for us to sit here and say 'I would do this, or I would do that' but we are only getting the tip of iceberg of all that you are up against.

I may be wrong but you sound like you have already made the decision to separate but just haven't quite found the strength or maybe courage to actually go through with it.

Are you holding back on making the decision waiting for him to change? He wont change, and it sounds like he is getting worse, you don't deserve that abuse from anybody.

How much longer are you going to wait and see? Just how badly does he need to treat you before you do something about it?

Also, are you aware that domestic abuse is now widely acknowledged as a form of child abuse? And that includes emotional and financial abuse, people think they are protecting their children from witnessing and feeling the stresses it causes but that is not so. Please please think long and hard about where you are going in this relationship and consider your reasons to stay and reasons to leave. Also be mindful that every day you choose to stay with him is a choice you are responsible for making. There is loads of practical support out there to help you through this.

Regarding work, there have been some good suggestions, if your employer is a large organisation then they should have policies that will cover you for dependants leave etc and maybe also be able to offer you a transfer to a post nearer your support network.

You might also want to consider asking your housing provider to investigate how his name came to be on the tenancy (without your permission) and looking in to a homeswap http://www.homeswapper.co.uk/

We are all with you on this Sammy, I hope you make the right choices for your son and yourself.

sammy_kaye18

Hi All,

Thought I would give you all a quick update.

He woke up this morning, said nothing to me (and i said nothing to him didnt even look at him or acknowledge him in the slightest) for about two hours, we all got dressed, i sorted the boys out, got myself sorted, then he sorted himself out.

Abotu 10 minutes after that he came to me in the kitchen, i went to leave the room and he stopped me, he apologised. Said he was sorry for the way he acted (the text he wrote) and that it was totally unnessecary. He said he was angry with himself for forgetting my work hours and read the note the wrong way and in no way did i deserve that. Said he loved me. I told him that i was to the point i'd had enough and that i was basically one horrible word/temper tantrum away from walking and taking our son with me.

He asked if we could sit and talk about it. So we put boys in their bedroom and really sat and had it out if you like but like adults no shouting/screaming and !!!!! footing around. i told him i didnt like the way he treated me adn we went through everything, his tantrums, his depression etc and how when he feels depressed he cant just up and run away he has to talk to me about it even if its just telling me that hes feeling low and would like to be left to deal with it himself - not taking off to his mates house and hiding from it. Like i told him 'if you dont tell me , i dont know' and then i really cant help. We went through the amount of money he pays too and he has agreed to give me more money but used the line 'if you need more money then ask for it and i will give it to you' and he has said now he will set up a direct debit from his account to my account for £300 a month and he will pay for a shopping trip too. (which is every two weeks and we spend about £50 so i can see that going up now if HE's paying ).

As far as other things are concerned Ive told him that if this was a one off thing to keep me then he would have a shock becuase it was either a permanent change or we were done. We discussed the boys too - he has said he will help out alot more - like i said before he is a good dad as far as spending quality time playing with them but birthdays/christmas he contributes very little and he doesnt do much hands on when it comes to feeding/bathing/reading/teaching them etc. He does however stick to routine with them very well. Everything else regarding the boys or otherwise was left to me. Weve now decided between us that if we have a sort of routine sheet for the boys each (like a reward sheet) it will get the boys in a better routine and help bf learn his routine too like feeding and bathing the boys when im in work on a sunday. (he did this earlier with the boys)

Also with the debt paying - he went through the CAB - they reduced his debt by £2000 and so he had money left - how it works i dont quite understand but he had a couple of hundred left over afterwards. He used £40 to fill up the car and has brought groceries for the house - about £30 worth, he showed me his bank account today and there is £240 in there still and he has said he wants to leave it in there until pay day if he can and then when pay day comes he will use that and an extra hundred of his own wages to pay off my debt with which i thought was nice of him, but he has said if we desperately need the money befor ethen then it is there to be used and i just need to ask him for some (his card is broken , the chip has fallen out and one end of the scanning strip has snapped clean off so if it is used he needs to sign for it or go into a bank - which i guess is fair enough). he paid for an ebay item for me too today as well.

i knwo its not much but we are getting there today with talking. We've left it for tonight now as our youngest is playing up - hes been up and down since 11pm so stressign us both out a fair bit. (hes not ill jsut playing up)

will update more tomorrow

yoni_one

It sounds like you feel much better for having had this talk and it would seem it has been long time coming. I gather this is the first time he has promised to change his behaviour? I'm only asking because if it is a cycle of behaviour then it is a common one used to persuade partners to stay.

I'm so relieved you recognised this could be a tactic to stop you from walking now and have set your boundary down clearly. I really hope he sticks to his new promises and and if not that you find the strength to adhere to your own boundaries, but ultimately I hope you are happy with your decisions.

Squiggly_Diddly

Hi Sammy,

Glad to hear you have managed to sit and have a talk as well & I hope it works As Yoni says it can become a reptitive pattern of behaviour, so be strong and don't let it slide back to the way it was and if it does, then re-read some of these threads to remind yourself.

As you said, he's 28 years old & not a child - you are equal partners, not his parent, so I really hope he sticks to what he's said he will do now.

It sounds as though you could still do with finding something to do for yourself if you don't know anyone else in the area apart from his mum/sister, then at least you are finding some friends nearby as well. Do you go to any mother/toddler groups, or even better something you could do without the kids?

If you've got rotas/routines clearly displayed then perhaps you should both allocate yourselves an evening each to spend on your own, and then a joint one as well (even if that's a 'posh' dinner at home once the boys are asleep). That way you know you've both got your own time & space to build/keep friendship networks, but also some time together that's about having time to talk/enjoy each other's company that doesn't just revolve around being parents.

I hope you have a good day today and keep us updated ((((hugs)))

sammy_kaye18

Squiggly_Diddly wrote: »

It sounds as though you could still do with finding something to do for yourself if you don't know anyone else in the area apart from his mum/sister, then at least you are finding some friends nearby as well. Do you go to any mother/toddler groups, or even better something you could do without the kids?
I only know 2 of the otehr mums at the school my little boy goes to but we have been talking on messenger of an evening and get on really well so we are hopefulyl goign to arrange a girls night out at some point.


If you've got rotas/routines clearly displayed then perhaps you should both allocate yourselves an evening each to spend on your own, and then a joint one as well (even if that's a 'posh' dinner at home once the boys are asleep). That way you know you've both got your own time & space to build/keep friendship networks, but also some time together that's about having time to talk/enjoy each other's company that doesn't just revolve around being parents.
We discussed this yesterday too - we dont seem to do anythign as a couple or together so we are going to start making time for eah otehr more. Boyfriend said he isnt the sort of person to jsut say 'oh lets go to the cinema/out for a meal etc on the spur of the moment = he would rather be todl 'come on lets go to the cinema tomorrow; so he said if theres somethign id like to do then tell hima dn he will make/find money to do it with. Also he has been doing a photography course at the local college for the last 19 weeks (its a 30 week course) and he said hes not sure he will go on to do the second stage - attention issues:rolleyes: - so i said I'd like to go back to college to do a nursing course at night school whcih he happily agreed to so we will get space to our selves and it will benefit both of us.

so things are looking promising

Squiggly_Diddly

That's good Sammy, thanks for updating
I will keep fingers crossed for you!!

You could always even just take the kids to the park with the other mums, take some lovely home-made OS cakes & a flask of coffee, and have a natter. Probably wrapped up in rain-proof coats the way the weather keeps going...!!

Rachie_B

glad he saw sense !

hope this works for you guys

I know ive recommended to you before .......... but get your bum on www.netmums.com

seriously i have met so many local mums since 2006 and we go out for evenings,days out with the kids ,coffee / lunch etc

nerve wracking at first but i moved here not knowing anyone best thing i ever did

even if you dont feel up to meeting Mums come and chat on the Wales section of the forum : http://www.netmums.com/coffeehouse/forumdisplay.php?f=24

you cant just work,look after your son,house etc...... you need some YOU time

good luck

xx

Jo_R_2

Sammy, I'm so pleased you had the talk. I'm aslo pleased he was the one to stop you and apologise. His behaviour was DEFINITELY in the wrong but it's important that he apologised rather than did so feeling pressured into it iyswim?

It sounds like the conversation was a very productive one and that you handled it well. Very important to stay calm and make it clear that you are close to leaving, and I think things are always more well received when you convey them in a manner whereby you seem totally in control, it makes you appear that you are in the right frame of mind to think things through so the things you are saying are serious and have been thought through.

Can I ask, has you had conversations like this before where he's promised to sort things out? Or is this a massive 'clear the air' one?