Needing a major vent!

jay11_2

He's told you what he doesn't do, have you asked him what he does do that benefits you and his child(ren), and how often? Sounds as though he needs a real wake up call, (if you decide to stay with him). Something like a diary of your son's days, showing who spent time with him, or a spreadsheet showing bills, who contributed what, same with housework. These guys so often believe they do LOADS, until they see reality in black and white.

sammy_kaye18

count_rostov wrote: »

It sounds as if you split expenses very fairly so its not fair that you bail him out.

In fairness - not really

He earns £800 minimum out of which he pays £320 - £210 to me for rent, £80 to his ex as maintenence and £30 for his phone bill (or whatever it comes to usually around this though). So he is left with near £500. - all this hes spent on his cars or magazines.

i get £240 in wages and tax credits which put the money i get to £660. out of which i pay £35.00 water, £81 council tax, £100 ntl , £40 gas and electric , £25 tv license, £72 debt, £100 food and £70 into bens child trust fund unless he needs somethign and it comes out of that money - so i spend out £523 and get left with about £130 a month. Like i said this month though ive had to cover some of his debts with my own money because hes over spent by £100 and we've had birthdays to cover.

Looking at that it gives you an answer right there doesnt it, hes always said if i need extra money to ask for it but he never has any!

pinkshoes

sammy_kaye18 wrote: »

well
a) im a girl
b) i have an xbox 360

so you found one.

I'm a girl and I have a PS2, and hopefully getting a PS3 this year!

Sammy_kaye, what is it about your OH that you DO like? You shouldn't just stay with someone just because you've been together 5.5 years, and at the moment, he doesn't seem to be giving you any reasons to be together.

Relationships need hard work, and it sounds like he needs a mother not a girlfriend!

You should work out what you DO like about him, and whether this is enough to warrant a relationship, or whether you're just with him because you have kids.

Nessa56

Hope you don't mind me poking my nose in but after reading this thread,

I would say that you have to look after you and your son, nobody else and it sounds like you can do that no problem.

Hope it goes okay for you whatever you decide to do luv

v
x

Alias_Omega

were not that well off, think monthly total income comes too about £2200 a month with all benefits, wages etc. (£1800 from me, £180 maintance, £200 working tax credit, child benefit)

From there, we live in a council house, and never have any cash left. I logged into bank today and were overdrawn. Had to transfer cash from isa's to put back into credit

Hopefully be better alot when the wife returns to work.

tell him to get a better paid job, if not, get a 2nd job.. lots of bar work out there at weekends.

cupid_s

sammy_kaye18 wrote: »

In fairness - not really

He earns £800 minimum out of which he pays £320 - £210 to me for rent, £80 to his ex as maintenence and £30 for his phone bill (or whatever it comes to usually around this though). So he is left with near £500. - all this hes spent on his cars or magazines.

i get £240 in wages and tax credits which put the money i get to £660. out of which i pay £35.00 water, £81 council tax, £100 ntl , £40 gas and electric , £25 tv license, £72 debt, £100 food and £70 into bens child trust fund unless he needs somethign and it comes out of that money - so i spend out £523 and get left with about £130 a month. Like i said this month though ive had to cover some of his debts with my own money because hes over spent by £100 and we've had birthdays to cover.

Looking at that it gives you an answer right there doesnt it, hes always said if i need extra money to ask for it but he never has any!

How can it be fair that you pay out £523 in bills and he pays £210?
If you split everything 50:50 you would be £156 a month better off and maybe he'd realise he has less to spend on going out and cars.

Why do you let him get away with contributing so little?

Helen819

shellsuit wrote: »

See, you're worrying and crying and having panic attacks ~ what is he doing? Planning to go out on the lash?!

To be honest, if he went to the party, I'd tell him not to bother coming home.

Have you spoken to him about the way you feel and what was his response?

See this above;Take this advise,i know wee dont live with him or know him but i now know why i dont need a man in my life.You have just done me the biggest favour for the next 5 yrs at least,was wondering if i should go looking for the said man again after 10yrs on my own ,but hehh,now i remember why i dont have one in the first place.lol.

Thought for the day::: no man should make you cry and the one that does aint worth your tears.

pinkfizz77

just thought I would put my two pence worth in
from what I have read, you are a very capable young woman, good mum who is lumbered with an immature little prat!!
I don't mean to be blunt but why the hell are you still with him?????????
men like this rarely change and he is dragging you and your son with him
I am a single mum with three kids and no support and I manage very well, as do millions of single mums and dads
there are more benefits to ditching the loser (spending your money how YOU want, more security, more hopeful future, calmer atmosphere, less worrying etc etc etc)
please stop bailing him out, he's 28 !!!!!!, if he isn't mature enough to manage his own money that's his problem
start saving an escape fund, or get locks changed n tell him to f off
sorry but you and most importantly your son, deserve better
what is it going to take to make you see you'd be better off without him???
wishing you the best, you deserve to be happy and put you and ds first

belfastgirl23

£500 a month pocket money is a LOT for a man with children who earns £800 a month!

TBH though I think you might be sending him some mixed signals. You're telling him he has to manage his own money but not taking anything like a fair amount off him when he gets paid and bailing him out when he runs out. So your words and your actions are completely different. How does his mum feel about his behaviour? Would she be able to toughen up to him? What I'm wondering is if you want to give it another go (and it's not a foregone conclusion by any means) would she support you if you both get tough with him? I know how hard it would be but really I think you need to follow your words through with actions if they are to have any effect.

Sorry if I seem tough here, believe me I know how hard it is to say no to someone you love. But I'm also trying to say to you that you also have some power here, you don't have to simply repond to his behaviour and demands, you can say no.

I do agree with the others too though, you must love this man a heck of a lot to put up with him...

sammy_kaye18

pink fizz i love your avatar.

please stop bailing him out, he's 28 !!!!!!, if he isn't mature enough to manage his own money that's his problem
start saving an escape fund, or get locks changed n tell him to f off

If i talk to him - his answer to everythgin if i ring him to ask him about somethign, or where he is cos hes late back or gone off to do somethign and not mentioned it his reply is - 'im 28 !!!!!!'. So that sounds like somethign i hear all too often and now i think thats about right - he is !!!!!!!g 28 - im 23 and yet im more responsible and grown up than he is.

My escape fund will take me time to get together though is the only downside - ill have £100 in it next month after hes paid me my money at the end of the month. I think it would be prehaps easier to ask him to leave - he keeps threatening that he has a mate who will let him stay with him for free so maybe he should just sod of there and he can be a lad then and then im free to do my own thing, save for a house nearer my family and then i can get on with it for mine and my sons sake.

Belfast girl 23 - i do love him btu there is only so much carp you can put up witha dn it grates on you after so long. His mum is a push over - as nice as she is and i love her to bits but she is a softie and gives in easier than i do - hes her blue eyed boy. She bails him out at every opportunity adn if im whinging about him being rubbish with money or that hes alwasy nagging me because the hosue isnt immaculate (hello 3 year old and a jack russell?) she will openly say 'thats my fault'. but she wont back me up in much she jsut gives in - he has her round his little finger