Wedding Cost nightmare

Crispy_Ambulance

I think it is a terrible shame that weddings are becoming such crazy affairs these days. People feel compelled to spend vast amounts of money on details that nobody will notice and yet they forget that whilst a wedding is one day, a marriage is for a lifetime (or so they hope).

But expecting your guests to foot the bill for your extravagance is ridiculous. You should invite people to attend and take part in a wedding because you want them to share in the celebration of your relationship - not because you want them to look a certain way in the photographs.

To the OP - don't feel bad about saying no to spending silly money on someone else's fantasy. If they want the children to take part, they can pay for it themselves.

NBirdy

I got married 3 years ago, my 2 SIL's (13 and 26) were my bridesmaids, and my niece (6) was a flower fairy. I chose the colour of the bridesmaids dresses, but they chose what shade and style they wanted. I chose the flower fairy's dress as she wasn't bothered and I wanted it to fit in with the older 2. We paid for all the dresses (including alterations to fit), matching bags, the shoes and having them dyed to match, and the tiaras, the beautiful custom fairy wings and wand. The older bridesmaid, my MIL me and my mum all had our make-up done professionally and we paid for that too. I'd have paid for the hairdresser as well but fortunately the hairstyle they chose was very simple to do themselves.

We paid for suit/shirt hire for all the groomsmen, my dad, ushers etc, and had cravats and waistcoats tailored for each (which they got to keep) in fabric that matched the bridesmaids dresses.

It was dh and I that wanted these people involved, and I admit I wanted them all to match and look nice in the photos, but I was prepared to pay for that! The girls all got to keep everything we bought them, to either wear again or sell on if they wanted to. I would never have dreamt of them paying for their own, and if I'd have had more bridesmaids, I just would have set a smaller budget per outfit. The most important thing was having them there, not what they looked like!

I hope you find a suitable compromise

whatatwit

I'm in a similar situation to the OP.
My friend is getting married next year and myself and my daughter are bridesmaids.
She has already indicated that I will be expected to pay for all our outfits, shoes, hairdresser etc.
Both her and her partner earn loads more than we do and I really feel awkward about the whole thing.
My OH doesn't want to go, and I'm beginning to feel the same myself, and as my friend lives several hours away, we will already have to pay for 2 nights hotel rooms.

lynzpower

Heres a moneysaving alternative

We are in the very early stages of planning our own wedding, (yes still) and we have decided that we are not going to have bridesmaids at all as quite frankly, its not somethng I NEED to spend money on, nor really do I want them. It would cost us best part of 1k when all in ( hairdresser, flowers, frock, frippery) and thats money Ill never see back. So we are having no BMs at all, we might have a matron of honour she can wear her own things, no hassle for me or my cash

One of my mates wanted me to be her BM, was going to make me buy my dress, I simply said no. she asked why I said moneys tight I make a rule of only buying WHAT I NEED. I dont need this dress, Ive got plenty of other things I could wear to the wedding, but if YOU WANT me to wear It ill wear it but dont expect me to buy it! No chance.

Becles

OP - do you have to buy specific things for the children or can you buy whatever you like as long as it fits the colour scheme?

I only had one bridesmaid who was the 9 year old daughter of the best man. I took her shopping and she liked a dress in BHS wedding collection. We managed to get a beautiful simple lilac silky dress, the matching wrap, a tiara and some shoes for around £100.

I really enjoyed that shopping trip. The bairn loved commenting on the dresses and acessories and giving her opinion on things. It made her feel really involved, rather than me just telling her what she was going to wear.

I also paid for her to have her hair done and she was in her element looking through a book and discussing styles with the hairdresser before she had it styled. She looked beautiful on the day :cool:

bdmum1

OP

If this situation is causing stress between you and DH, is it worth showing him this thread? Every single poster seems to be with you on this one, so maybe he will realise it's not just you that thinks it's unreasonable.

Once you've got hubby on side, it might then be simpler to meet up with BIL and fiancee to explain assertively that it's simply going to cost too much and that you also have other long term things to budget for. Say that you've never come accross a situation before whether the bridesmaids etc had to pay for themselves, so, much as you're flattered that they've been asked, you'll unfortunately have to pass. Maybe joke that when they've got 3 kids of their own they'll understand just what a demand like this would do to the family finances. Your financial priorities are simply different than theirs.

You both hold the answer to this, no-one can force you to spend your own money, and you shouldn't have to apologise / feel intimidated into funding someone else's big day.

I do understand that you don't want to make things difficult in the longer term, but there will probably always be a simmering resentment afterwards if they just get everything they demand. They even sound like they'll think poorly of you if you don't come up with the required standard of gift even after paying out for all their plans.

Remain calm, fair and stick to your guns, then they're simply going to have to accept it and come up with an alternative plan.

Wishing you good luck with this, and hope things work out the way they should.

belfastgirl23

Well I reckon you have two options really (I'm assuming here that your DH wants to just do it to keep things quiet). One is to sit down with your BIL and tell him that you can't really afford to do it. The other is to find a way to go ahead and do it with a smile on your face. At least if you're laying out all that money you may as well have a good day

In your shoes I think I'd go along with it TBH, it is a family occasion, the kids will probably have a good time, and when all's said and done it is your DH's family and personally my view is that it's best to take a back seat with the ILs unless it's absolutely vital to do otherwise. I know others will feel differently about this. BUT to see it from the other POV organising a wedding is no picnic either and you don't know what pressures they are under to have a big 'do' so I'd say just try to find a way to have sympathy for them. Feel free to ignore if you want, I know it is very very hard to do but if this is causing major tension between you and your DH I suppose in your shoes I'd be inclined to give in gracefully but store it away as a favour that is owed to you for later on.

Otherwise though I'd try to be sincere with the BIL, tell him you'd love to be guests at his wedding, you really wish them well and want to welcome his fiancee into the family but unfortunately you can't afford to be a part of the wedding party and you hope he'll understand. I wouldn't get into the rights and wrongs of it, in fact I'd take the blame and say that I should have checked before agreeing but that neither you nor them had thought it through at that stage. Try to keep it amicable and reasonable, at the end of the day these are your kids uncle and aunt and it's the kids who will lose most if there is bad feeling left.

Do let us know how you get on.

ymcas

Js_Other_Half wrote: »

It's very ill mannered! And selfish.

I have been both bridesmaid and bride, and in all cases the bridemaids outfits were paid for by the couple getting married. I had to get a certain cut of underwear for one wedding where I was BM, and had to insist on at least being let pay half!

I do understand about the emotional blackmail - my brother told me either I had both of his girls as flower girls/ bridemaids or he wouldn't bring the youngest one (who wasn't yet 2 at the time!) Anyway, I had her - she cried - families...:p

I had 6 bridesmaids, all young family members because they had asked to be my bridesmaids since I started seeing my first ever boyfriend. I didn't have a friend as matron of honour as I all ready had so many bridesmaids. I asked the mother of 3 of them if she would mind making the dresses as I had a budget to keep to and thought she had agreed, I then asked the girls so she would not be in an awkward position if she didn't want to make them. In the end she backed out of sewing and I had a worrying time as I wanted a particular shade of green and although I wanted short dresses which were expensive but not out of budget, all the girls liked long ones. In the end we found some an exact match in Zara for 29 pounds each inthe sale.. they were short but all the girls liked them. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have a slightly different opinion from the majority... I think it is ok to ask the bridesmaids to pay as long as you are upfront about it and they get to choose the dress. If you want to specify the dress then the bride and groom should pay.

However none of this helps you too much. One compramise might be to offer to shop around for the accessories at a lower price. The bride might be glad of the help, and you could control the prices of these then. I actually made my own tiaras (7 in all). I think it cost me about 70 Pounds for all 7 and similar were in the shops for 30 to 100 pounds each. Could you do this for her? Maybe you could come to some arrangement that you would take care of the tiaras if she paid for the dress? I can give you some advice about the tiaras if you need.

pinkshoes

I was chief bridesmaid at my best mate's wedding a few years ago, and even though it was a budget wedding, she paid for the bridesmaid/flowergirls dresses!

The reason that the bride/groom pay for the dress is because being chief bridesmaid is actually quite stressful! Duties according to BBC:

[FONT=Trebuchet MS, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]
[*]Helping the bride get ready, (and supplying stiff drinks, if needed).
[*]Keeping the teeny flower girls amused and under control.
[*]Keeping the mothers apart and persuading them the bride knows best.
[*]Distracting drunk relatives when they are about to be vulgar.
[*]Dancing with everyone to get the party going.
[*]Running, fetching and carrying for the bride. There are some things you just can't do in a big frock.
[/FONT]And the free pretty dress is the thank you you get for all the hard work!!

It's acceptable that people having to travel to the wedding pay for their own accommodation and transport now, but asking someone to pay for their own bridesmaids dress is cheap and cheeky!!

ps - don't splash out on a new outfit. Go to a charity shop and you'll no doubt pick up something amazing for £10, and it's probably only been worn once before.

Desperate_Housewife_2-2

I have read this thread and feel stressed out!! I'm not even going to this wedding but it does raise feelings from previous family jaunts!

My advice is don't pay, they should pay and even if you have to live near these members of your family for time to come, doesn't prevent you from having an opinion and feelings worth expressing on the subject.

Basically they are taking the p**s.

We were invited to an overseas wedding this year but after sending the happy couple some money for their engagement (over a year ago) and still waiting for a thank you, then we have decided that we really do not want to spend £4k getting us 4 out there as I can think of better ways to spend it, also I don't want to go. Makes you feel like that...