Money Moral Dilemma: Should we drive my mother-in-law over when she doesn't pay towards petrol?

pollypenny

MACKEM99 said:

When my mum was around several years ago I drove 160 miles to her house.  Stayed overnight and brought her back to our house next day to stay with me and my other half for Christmas.  The weather was terrible both ways, very heavy snow.  Took her back using same method.  I would never have dreamed of asking for her to pay.  On other occasions  I paid return train fare for her to visit us.  She is my mum!😀

We used to do a similar thing for my parents. We felt it was important for the kids to know their grandparents and vice versa.  

ZeroSum

Pixel_Runner said:

I just worked out how much it would cost me...

£2.80 with my car (and I calculated that on 160 miles - one trip to pick her up and another to drive her home).

Why are you worrying so much over such a small amount?

Calculations for ref:
160 miles / 4 (m/kWh) = 40kWh
40 kWh * £0.07 (price per unit) = £2.80

Why are EV owners so 'alright jacks'? 

They never mentioned what type of car they had & petrol would cost nearly 10x that

ZeroSum

Theres not enough information to go off

Driving 20 miles away, there & back & back & home again will probably cost about £12. If its just once in a while, its no big deal

However, if its a regular thing & she has an expectation of just running around after her constantly, then I can see how it would get annoying. 

badmemory

I think what is being forgotten here is that she is a woman of a certain age who has been married for a lot of years.  It was fairly normal for some women who worked & were not professional to only work for pin money.  Many are not accustomed to paying.  I would offer although I would prefer to drive myself.  But I am only 79 & have not been dependent for over 35 years.  I do have a male friend who is insulted if I try to pay.  People forget that we didn't have real independence for many years.  My father had to be guarantor for my aunts mortgage even though she earned more than him & had no dependents.  When I bought my first house on my own my father came with me ready to guarantee my mortgage too, they had only just stopped that.

It was a different time & many/most girls were brought up differently. I was lucky not to be.

KxMx

My Nan who died in 2020 aged 92, got genuinely upset if I wouldn't take £2.50 in payment for a used book purchased on her behalf.

She certainly always worked as hard as my granddad and was very keen to pay her way throughout life. 

MattMattMattUK

There is too little information to make a judgement here. Some older parents/pensioners absolutely take the proverbial, they seem to treat their adult children as servants and think their children should fund things for them, others look after their children, their grandchildren (free childcare from grandparents is a huge help to most parents) and financially support their adult children, most are somewhere in between. I know parents of friends who complain about the cost of things despite being retired on £2-5k per month pensions in large houses with no mortgages, equally I know others who live on nothing but the state pension in rented accommodation who are very happy. 

Without knowing if the parent is one of the self-entitled ones, or the kind and caring ones, it is impossible to tell if they are being unreasonable, though I would say that I would expect them to work out how to get to their child's home sometimes without having to get someone to do a 2-3 hour round trip. 

silvercar

As we are talking of women of a certain age. Undoubtedly, the obligation to care for her parents would have fallen on their daughters. So she possibly did a lot of running around and caring duties for her own parents and so thinks nothing of her children helping her out. 

ShinyStarlight1

My mother-in-law, 80, wants to visit me and my spouse. All of us are retired. My mother-in-law doesn't drive, and it's an 80-mile round trip to collect her and take her home again. In the past, she hasn't offered to pay towards petrol, and while she's not short of money, she rarely shares anything with us. How do we deal with this?

You are all retired but there is typically a very big difference in physical aptitude between being in your 60s and in your 80s. Also often a big difference in feelings of vulnerability in a social space. So any solutions involving her taking a taxi or train should take this into account.

I feel that, at such a venerable age, with all the invisible trials that being so elderly brings, it would be a kind thing to collect her and to see it as part of being a family where those who are most vulnerable (the very young and the very old) are treated with extra care. 

Wisereply

Unfortunately in this world no one appreciates anything that is free.
I have viewed the comments and a lot of them say you will inherit. This is not guaranteed because of care home fees!
It isn’t just the fuel cost it is also the time. If the drive, the conditions is there traffic congestion? Road works? Not to mention the other road drivers? The weather? If it is dark there is more driver fatigue! Then is there any health issues for the driver or spouse that you might be a carer for? Then that brings anxiety. Hopefully there are no car worries either. As poverty means car maintenance or upgrades are rarer.

I think it would be prudent for mother In Law to book and pay for a taxi there. With the guaranteed promise of a free lift home.
This will save a double round trip.
Mother in Law will then appreciate son in Law so much more and may even say thank you., while being taken into her home with you checking all is well. Electricity the lights working so you may well want a cuppa and the loo before the journey home! You can leave knowing she is safe at home.
Young people may have no appreciation or understanding what getting old is. I can tell you now. It is no fun. Being frail, slow and the worst is the pain. That really takes your joy levels down.

badmemory

I just wonder why she isn't driving herself.  I am only a year younger than her & I certainly would be driving myself.  If as I suspect she is, like many women my age, a non-driver who has always been driven around by her husband.  The cost & even the tiredness involved in this journey has probably never even crossed her mind.