Money Moral Dilemma: Should I stop sending birthday cards and money to my brother's ungrateful kids?

2702

I would not send them any money. I had similar situation with my sister and her 3 children who I sent cards and cash. Never received a thank you and have not seen any of them now for over 20 years. Do not miss them as is nothing really to miss.

Tulgey_Wood

If you're sending them money because you want everyone to validate you by telling you what a wonderful, kind, and generous aunt you are, I'd say don't bother, because it isn't working. But if you actually want to give a gift because it's a nice thing to do, you can afford it, and the giving itself makes you feel good, then keep doing it.

Bonnypitlad

You don’t mention the ages of the children ?
After 12 yrs they should be able to respond as a minimum by phone or email to say “ thankyou”
I would suggest sending a gift & card to a child under 12yr, and just a card to any child over 12 yr?
….and see if that improves the manners of the older children 
Keep corresponding with the children though ( email, WhatsApp or similar)
It is important to maintain contact with Family 

mlz1413

My niece and nephew are the same. I used to send gifts but didn't know if they were appreciated so sent money which wasn't acknowledged either.
I then sent cards only and still got no reply. I stopped when the oldest was 18, I meant to continue until the youngest was 18 but I forgot and as I didn't hear anything the year I forgot I took that to be the sign that it was a pointless effort on my behalf.

They were never part of my life, I saw the nephew maybe once a year so I don't miss them.   

My friends children on the other hand know me, speak to me and wish me happy birthday and merry Xmas.  I'm happy to give them cards and presents and always will be.

Charlie-Otter

I believe a thank you is basic manners, and my kids have always sent thank you cards for Xmas/birthday gifts/money. Admittedly not always without a bit of a moan as they got older, but the conversation was always "if they've gone to the effort of buying you a card/present etc and posting it, the least you can do is a thank you!"

We had an elderly relative who was a stickler for a timely thank you card though, or you wouldn't get anything the following year! Never married or had kids, but was generous when we were kids, with a card and book token every Xmas/birthday; and the same with my kids and all my various cousins etc. However, if that thank you card wasn't received by New Year though, that was it - there were siblings where only 2:3 got something! When they passed away, the same principle was applied to the Estate, with those kids who always sent a card all being specifically left something, but nothing for the 12+ who no longer did...no letter of explanation though, so some awkward conversations!

I'd continue to send the cards, just no gift/money, until they reach 18yr then stop altogether if you're not in regular contact?

primrose_penguin

My husband and I had the same situation with his niece's 2 children not birthday gifts but Christmas presents, we always gave a gift when they were very young and then money as they grew older but we never had a thank you. When they reached 18 we stopped completely. The same with my sisters 2 children when we had no thank you I stopped sending birthday gifts/money, but when they reached 18 I did send them a money gift, but again had no thank you. However my sister had died before her daughter had her children, and my husbands sister died when her Grandchildren were young so I feel we did our part and have no regrets. It did annoy me at the time but I tend to agree with your husband, however if you cannot afford to send money each birthday why don't you leave it in future and just send them a monetary gift when they reach 18 years of age.

Dizzycap

Brie said:

Don't send anyone anything for a year and see if they say anything.  

That's what I would do, and have done in the past. The moment I stopped getting a 'thank you' was the moment my gifts and cards stopped, as they were obviously not being appreciated 

Nelliegrace

We were sent or given a little pocket money occasionally from our grandparents and great aunts.
We really appreciated the thought, but thank you letters were a chore. I got away with it for a few years, as my big sister put that I would thank them but I couldn’t write yet. That filled half of her full page letter, in best handwriting, which was required.

We passed forward the gift which we had received and enjoyed, and sent some birthday pocket money to our nieces and nephews as youngsters, and now we put £5 in a birthday card for our great nieces and great nephews.  It is not a large family. 

It was quite fun going into the bank after lockdown, in my face mask, and asking the cashier to fill a bag with unmarked notes of low denomination. 

We may get a photograph, a thank you card from their parents, or a text message on the family app, we had a lovely voicemail recently. It really doesn’t matter, we don’t keep score. It is given with love and there are no strings attached. Perhaps they will send pocket money to their grandchildren one day, and remember us briefly.

FrugalFinance100

Many people can identify with this situation and it is most annoying when you don't hear a little appreciation for your efforts and hard earned cash. 

Have you thought about raising your concern with you brother and supporting him to teach the children to say thank you?

They could be completely obvious and need to be taught basic manners. Alternatively, spend more time with them playing board games, baking cakes etc. Nothing beats time spent with family and they are more likely to remember.

Other than that the cut off point is aged 18 when they are regarded as adults. 

paulashergraham

When they reached the age after toys my wife and I started sending modest cheques to our grandchildren with their Christmas and Birthday Cards. After not being thanked by three of them a couple of times we attached little notes to their next cheques asking them not to bank them unless they were going to thank us. Two immediately thanked us (and have thanked us for all subsequent cheques) whilst the other said nothing and didn’t bank the cheque: Needless to say, since then we haven’t included cheques with his cards.