Money Moral Dilemma: Should I stop sending birthday cards and money to my brother's ungrateful kids?

NorfolkNanny

One idea might be to send a cheque, but 'forget' to sign it.  Then if they want the money they will have to contact you to get it ........  Then you could mention that it is good to hear from them and how you would appreciate a thank you and to know how they spent the money.  I don't know how old the children are, but I would definitely stop sending money once they have turned 18 or perhaps once they are working.

queline

I felt the same when my teenage nieces couldn't be bothered to acknowledge their gifts themselves, and their parents never acknowledged that I had sent their children anything either.  What happened was this - my brother and sister-in-law took total umbridge and no longer speak to me, haven't done so for years in fact.  I've tried several times to extend an olive branch in one way or another but they won't have anything to do with me.  They stopped acknowledging anything that happened in our lives or in my children's lives, (like getting married, having children) and totally ignored me at our mother's funeral.  
Not sure that I am actually giving any advice here just saying that this was the consequence of me saying I wasn't sending anything any more. 
I brought my own children up to say thank you for any gifts they receive - they are all very mature adults now, and still send thank yous, some with children of their own, who are also encouraged to say thank you. 

Rocketdogroya

Ok I am going to be devils advocate:

It depends on why you give the gift in the first place? because its the 'done' thing or because you want the kids to be treated on their birthdays.

I am guessing the 1st as you send money. Depending on their age they may not even have a concept of this yet or be too wrapped up in their phone to acknowledge it? I would never give money unless they specifically ask for it and expect a huge response. It shows a real lack of involvement in their lives and interests.

Also depends on how much you give. If its a large amount they can buy something substantial with it will mean something more than £10 which is probably less than their pocket money. 

Do you only give to receive? Yes acknowlegements and thanks are polite but if that is all you give the gift for then its kinda transactional without them knowing.
Know your family. EVERY year of my adult life I have reminded my brother it is our mums birthday as he NEVER remembers. I now have reminders set on my phone for my step and step grandkids birthdays as my partner has form for forgetting them. Just because you are diligent and have birthdays remembered doesnt mean others do so well as it is not their priority. 

Granoffour

I stopped sending money gifts when my nieces and nephews were 18. I sent gifts to their children when they were born and their first birthday. Received not even a text saying thanks so don’t even know if the clothes were received. I stopped sending after that. It’s only courtesy to send a thanks in my opinion. 

phillmmorris

To my mind, up to the age of 10 continue to send cards. If they say thankyou then continue.
No presents, they have had enough chances to thank you. It was your Brothers responsibility to ensure they did the right thing. OK, it possibly wasn't all the child's fault but, by the age of 10 they should have realised there there wasn't a santa claus for birthdays

Mr5Micawber

Perhaps mention to your sibling that you would appreciate a small amount of gratitude and 'thank you' serves as an acknowledgment too.  You may also say you've decided that as of a certain age (you don't say how old they are - younger ones will be guided by their parents, older ones should have been trained to do this!) you intend to stop sending anything.  I sent a friend's child a card and money when they reached teens and neither child nor mother acknowledged it.  So the kid didn't get any more.  But that wasn't family so it is, arguably, different.

EssexBoy12

I am a stickler for manners and always expect others to show the same respect that I show them, if they do not then they are not worthy of your kindness.
In this circumstance I would stop giving money and switch to ecards instead of paper/card ones, or nothing at all, depending how you really feel about the situation.

Almost everyone has an email account or social media account, and ecards can be sent to either of those.

This is obviously playing on your mind and I can resonate with that. Anyone that plays on your mind in a negative way is toxic to your own health and welfare.
9 Years ago I read a book titled 'Toxic People: Dealing with dysfunctional relationships'. Using this as a guide I identified all those in my life that regularly caused me problems or made me think negatively, and I eased them out of my life - two of these were family members. This process took me around 2 years in all.
It's a tough thing to do, however I have been much happier ever since and my life is, for the most part, stress-free.

I wish you the best of luck with it.

dirtmother

They are not necessarily ungrateful (you've no evidence for that) but they have not demonstrated that gratitude in a way which is acceptable to you. I don't think expecting to have a gift acknowledged is at all unreasonable, I'd be miffed too (I like to know what money has been used for, it's a way of getting to know them), but it is for the parents to do the thank yous for the smallest children and to ensure it is done by the children themselves later.

I am wondering about gender here as that is often relevant (if you are female, was your brother not raised to observe social niceties around these things and it was 'women's work' - very common!)

Bear in mind that just sending money in a card every year rather than knowing or asking what a suitable gift would itself be considered a social faux pas by some.

I'd see deliberately stopping sending cards as disappointing if you have any interest in maintaining (or developing) relationships with them. Whether to send a gift, or money (or a donation to a charity - that can be a bit of a wake up call sometimes!) is up to you and perhaps your circumstances. You could even, you know, ask them straight out when you see them what they spent their gifts on (perhaps they are made to save it all or use it for things that many of us would see as a parental responsibility) and that might tell you more about what is going on for them. Or give up for now and send something more generous on their 18th or 21st as a finale?

KnittingLover

I would suggest that all gifts stop after 21 unless its a "special milestone" and that it's cards only from that age.  If the children are under 21 I would start reducing the money or stop it entirely, because they have several ways to say thank you (in person, phone, text, letter, etc).  Anyone, irrespective of age, should say thank you as its good manners and shows they appreciate your thoughtfulness.

Missy15

I brought my son up to say thank you, as I do when I receive a gift, however my granddaughters ( his kids) don't seem to even think about it  if I am not seeing them face to face when they receive the gift, usually money!
I put it in a bank account for them, and tell them in a card what I have done.
 But no thanks ever come.
However they are effusive when I am with them and buy them bits, and  they buy me gifts themselves when they are on holiday so....
 If I never got a thank you at all, I would stop, rudeness should not be encouraged!