Money Moral Dilemma: Should I stop sending birthday cards and money to my brother's ungrateful kids?

squirrel59

My husband has three nephews who we used to send cards and money to for Christmas and their birthdays. They never once thanked us. So eventually we stopped doing it. Don't think any of them even noticed.
We still send something to my three nieces who are the same sort of age and they're always over the moon. Whether they really are or whether they're just being nice, who knows - or cares.
Up to you what you do.

CapricornLass

I don't think a lot of today's children think of saying thank you for presents.   Its up to you whether you keep this up, or whether you decide to no longer bother.  Personally, I gave up buying my nieces and nephews presents and cards once they reached 18

EXSUDBURY

I think I would stop and see if anyone contacts you, possibly to ask why.

Diana2014

Children who haven't learned to thank others don't deserve to be rewarded for being persistently rude. It may be their parents' fault for not having taught the children better manners, of course. So I'd go on sending cards but not cash. Their father can't exactly protest if he's to blame for their lack of politeness - and, if he does, then you know what to say to him.

IvonH

I think there is no "one size fits all" answer.  Do the children live far away, so you never see them?  Would you like to know them better?  Do you just stick money in a card and say "Happy Birthday"?  Or do you include a note with it to make it more personal?
My mother-in-law only ever put a 5er in a card and signed her name.  I made the children say thank you, either in a card or on the phone.  But the children never had a relationship with her (even though we tried by visiting her and inviting her to stay with us).  When she died, the children were sad for my partner, but did not miss her or feel upset.
So, if you want to have a relationship with the children, include a letter, telling them funny things that happened to you or that you and their dad did when you were children.  Show an interest in their likes and aspirations, include your email address or WhatsApp (if they are old enough), so they can be in touch if they want to.
My aunt was my favourite person in all the world and, although she died 40 years ago, I still miss her and think of her.  My grandparents - not.  You decide what relationship you want, but don't send the cards and money just because that's what you think you are supposed to do and if it annoys you.

claremichelle19792015

I was in similar situation. I stopped sending money when I could not afford it and my brother was earning over double my full time wage. I was sending £50 to both children over 10 years ago . The nephews mum said they let them waste the money on something she would not waste her money on, as it was child’s money to waste as they wish. 

She only spoke to me cause I saw her at my parents home, normally I don’t hear anything . 

I only send a card now just in case the kids want a relationship with me when they are older. They sometimes send my son a card. 

I remember saying to my dad my brothers family only talk to me if i talk to them - they are not interested in me. He said Don’t be ridiculous . 

Next time my brothers family visited my parents I did not talk to my brothers family and they avoided the living room where I was sat. 

I then approached my parents and explained my view they said just ignore him it’s what they are like . (We are in our 40s) 

So now I only invest cards so I Don’t get hurt as you can only control your behaviour but no one else’s. If I thought the kids were interested I’d write a letter but I send a card just in case I’m wrong and the kids do want a relationship when they are older. 

The shame is my son is delightful and personable to my brother the couple of times a year we see them at my parents home. 

I now invest my time and effort in people who treat me like their family. 

So I would advise you to only give what you are happy to give without any return or thanks. 

bikaga

Up to you - you're not obliged, but if you can easily afford it, why not. You never know when you might need someone with a younger back in 20-30 years to help you in the garden or to shift furniture. Or you could put it in a savings account and if the relationship improves give it to them when they turn 18. Or just buy yourself something nice instead.

claireibicycle

I had a similar dilema.  I stopped sending presents and just sent cards, felt guilty but no one noticed.  I was happy when they all turned 18 as i'd said i'd stop then anyway but i did send a card and give a present on their 18th and 21st.  And when i saw them i gave them a little something or if i was with them on their birthday i'd give a gift.  Others dont bother and dont feel guilty so neither should you.  Its a waste of negative energy. The older they got, then i got to know them better and that counted for more.

saving_junkie

Our nephews are like this. Once they reached an age to take responsibility they were told that without a thank you the supply of presents is likely to dry up.  One appeared to decide that was fine, didn't thank us and so no longer gets a present. The other two have only just reached the age of it being highlighted to them so we'll see what they do. If they've thanked us by a week before the next occasion for presents they'll get another, if they haven't they'll just get a card.  If they then subsequently thank us for the card presents will restart.

davethedogg

Thanks go a long way, so no thanks, no gifts. I send my grateful grandchildren a gift or money every birthday and Christmas. Their parents understand that 18, those gifts stop. We don't give our grown up children anything for birthdays or Christmas but do help out financially if needed. 
I was brought up to say thank you and show appreciation. When my brothers children stopped saying thank you, we stopped sending. Funnily enough, my brother never commented on them not receiving as he knew the reason why we'd stopped.