Pregnant - what to do? Please help...

daphne_descends

cheltenhamgirl wrote: »

However I do know I want children, and my OH is desperate to have a family.

This is a great start if nothing else!

* Is our relationship ready for this. We know we want to be together forever, but I'm worried about putting pressure on a new relationship and ending up splitting up, and being a single parent. I also do still have some trust issues, although he hasn't done anything wrong in the last 6 months. 6 months is very early on to be having a baby though.

My relationship was ready for a baby. Everything was perfect, we were so in love, no issues whatsoever. We were both thrilled to be pregnant and OH was the devoted father-to-be, talking to my bump, looking after me... blah blah blah. He was also a godsend during labour and I am not sure how I would have got through it without him.

Having a baby though, nearly tore us apart. Nothing prepares you for it - he was completely shellshocked and not sure what to do with this tiny, screaming, and pretty much useless little person, while I resented him and felt fiercely protective over my son and honestly just wanted to punch OH most of the time. It was NOT easy, and I HATE reading about how lovely the early days are, 'every day is amazing', not in this house!

BUT we are only 10 weeks in and we have survived so far and I can see how we are stronger already. I am not typing this to share a horror story, just the other side and how the reality isn't always dreamy. I wish someone had told me what to expect.

* I'm still young (in my eyes at least) and I had so many things that I wanted to do yet. Travelling etc. I enjoy my career, and want to carry on. I've got hypothyroidism though, and have bouts of chronic fatigue and am worried about being a fulltime mum and career woman. I'm exhausted when I come home from work as it is as I have a long commute. I would need to work at least part time though as we wouldn't be able to do it on OH's salary alone. Would I have the energy?

Yes! You won't know where it comes from and you will feel so tired you could just keel over, but you cope, and it gets better. You might not be so career minded once the baby arrives - it might take a backseat for a while - like you say, you are young so could easily come back to it in a few years without detriment to your progress. Or, you might still want to work just as much, either way you'll find what works for you.

* Can we afford it - are we in a good enough financial position? I always thought when I had children it would be in a lovely home that we owned, with no debts, and savings to pay for things that we need. I know that everybody says you'd never do it if you worked out 'when you could afford it'
but I'm really worried that we'd end up getting up in more debt as neither of us are great with money. I don't want to bring a child up in that.

We're not great with money either, but again, you just cope - you just do - there's no choice. Maybe we eat meat less often (my maternity pay is crap) and I buy more own-brand than I did, you can live within your means. Have you looked at the Old Style forum? There are a million ways to live on pennies in there.

* Then there's the other, really important side, that I've got our baby growing inside of me, and to let that go would be really difficult. I feel very attached already. The maternal instinct is stronger than I'd imagined!

I go giddy just thinking about the moment they handed my baby to me - it really is magical... I am broody just thinking about it. Despite having a crap few weeks when DS was just born, and not knowing how on earth our relationship would survive, we are talking about having a second :eek:

* I also don't feel very able to justify having a termination as I'm not a young 16yr old single mum with no money, I'm in a fairly stable position relationship and money wise, what gives me the right not to do it.

Luckily for you and every other woman in this country, you have an automatic right to an abortion. Every woman's reason is good enough as she is the only person who has to live with it. Everyone else can be an armchair critic but their opinions do not matter.

* I'm worried that I would regret it forever if I did have a termination.

Can't help you on that one I'm afraid - but speak to your GP if you want to know more, if it is a real consideration.

Tesco_points_addict

cheltenhamgirl wrote: »

When I saw the doctor on the 28th December he said I was just over 8 weeks...

Thanks for all of your advice everybody. A lot of people have said that they think that I've made up my mind to have the baby....but actually I really haven't. If anything, I'd say I was more leaning the other way.....I really am so confused. I've talked lots to my partner about it, and to some of my friends, but I still really don't know what to do. One day, I'll think there's no way I can get rid of this baby, and then the next day I'll be thinking there's no way I'm ready for this, and it's not what I want. I'm scared and confused. I just want ot make the right decision, for me, my partner, and the baby....

I just wanted to say great big hugs ((((((((hugs))))))) i cannot imagine what you are going through at the moment but I'm sure you and your partner will make the decision that is right for you x
Tesco,points addict

wotnext

I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

A termination is a very quick an easy procedure but it isn't easy to walk away from afterwards. Your hormones take time to readjust and unless you are 100% sure it is what you want you will find it mentally difficult to get over but you will in time.

Likewise, having a baby is a massive committment - bigger than marriage and buying a home imo. They depend on you for everything and even when they are older and left home, you'll still worry about them but the rewards are enormous.

At the end of the day you really need to think about what you can cope with. If you decide to go for a termination, will you regret it? If the answer is "yes" then I think you need to have counselling and think again. If you feel that having a child is too demanding for your lifestyle, you'd not even be worrying about the choice. As others have said, I think you have made your own mind up but are looking for reassurance.

There is no easy avenue to having children. With the best will in the world, we can never afford them and it does put a strain on the strongest of relationships - even when they're planned. But the thing is - and what I'm now discovering myself - we as a society have become conditioned to bigger and better things. Does baby need everything? What they do have does it really need to be new? Does every child need it's own bedroom? Does it matter if we miss a holiday? What really matters is that it is loved, fed and clothed and as long as you can meet those basic needs, everything else is superficial.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and help, but I can't. I would seriously urge you to make an informed choice and talk it through with your partner and get counselling if need be. Whatever choice you make, it will be ok at the end of the day, you just need to decide what it is you really want and be there for each other.

cheltenhamgirl

Tesco_points_addict wrote: »

I just wanted to say great big hugs ((((((((hugs))))))) i cannot imagine what you are going through at the moment but I'm sure you and your partner will make the decision that is right for you x
Tesco,points addict

Thankyou everyone for all of your support - I really didn't expect this...

I'm very confused right now, and like on of the previous posters said I do feel absolutely knackered, and appear to have 'all day' sickness...feel sick all day every day and can barely stomach anything other than dry bread or crackers...none of which is helping me make an informed decision....

lovelyloulou

I am 26 and have 2 children, one of 5 and one of 2. When I was 18 I had the world at my feet, I had moved to London and I was earning just over £20K a year - and when I imagined where I would be in 10 years time it definitely was not where I am now! But do you know what? I look at my children and I love them so much it hurts. Yes, you are right to think about the praticalities (finances, housing etc) but don't let those things be the things that are putting you off having the baby. I am 100% pro-choice, you must do what is right for you. My point is that sometimes you don't do things in the order you imagined you would, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing - your life will not be over because you have a child. Best of luck to you, I know everything seems f&%£^d up now but it'll be ok. P.S. Don't ever underestimate yourself, worst case scenario and you did end up on your own the world would not stop spinning.

x

belfastgirl23

As a (deliberately) childless person I always figured if I got pregnant I'd have to listen really closely to the little voice inside me to figure out if the right thing would be to go ahead against my life-plan or to have a termination.

I don't know if this is any help but in your first post it seemed to me that your little voice was telling you to go ahead...

Another way to look at it is to think what your very very first reaction was? Was it delight or was it horror? That's normally your gut talking...

Good luck. I'm very glad I've not had to make this decision and really hope I don't ever have to in the future...

Becles

cheltenhamgirl wrote: »

One day, I'll think there's no way I can get rid of this baby, and then the next day I'll be thinking there's no way I'm ready for this, and it's not what I want. I'm scared and confused. I just want ot make the right decision, for me, my partner, and the baby....

That's perfectly normal! These blasted hormones turn your brain to mush and make you think all sorts of things.

I had my third baby last year. She was planned and very much wanted, yet some days I had doubts thinking I can't do this - the age gap is too big - how will I cope with 3? - and so on. She was born in May, I can do it, the age gap is ok, and I coped fine! The fears I had seem quite silly now, and in time you will think like that too.

From reading your post, you sound as if you can cope with it. I had my first baby when I was 20, and the second when I was 22, so you're positively ancient compared to what I was Your finances and relationship sound fine from what you have said too.

We all have to make changes after babies are born, so there is never a right time to have one financially. Ignore all these stupid "it costs £300,000K to bring up a baby" type article as to be frank - they're !!!!!!!!! It can be as cheap or as expensive as you want it to be. You'll find loads of moneysaving threads on here, or just ask for help about how much things cost and what you need to buy.

You don't need half the stuff manufacturers convince you that you need, and you can be frugal in other areas. I might wear Tesco clothes and my hair just gets a quick trim these days, but no way would I swop a designer wardrobe and styled hair for my babies and the love and pleasure I get from them!

You mentioned fear about him leaving you. If the worst happened and he did, you would cope. My first marriage broke up, leaving me with two pre-school children. I was scared, but I coped and I managed to give the boys a pretty good life before I married again in 2006. It wasn't easy and I found it really hard going at times, but there were still lots of happy times. The youngest son had double pneumonia and was very ill for a long time which I found very hard to cope with, but the look on his face as we sailed into "Balamory" on a holiday was priceless. I worked and paid for that, I organised it, I took them there and that look of surprise and happiness on his face will stay with me forever.

It is your choice though and you have to do what is right for you (and your OH of course!). Whatever you decide, you've got friends here who will help you through whichever option you pick.

heather38

i was in a situation like yours 5 years ago. oh and i had split up, i found out i was expecting as we were getting back together. i had been seeing someone else during our separation and because of this i had a termination, it was the right decision at the time and i know i did the right thing HOWEVER no one can prepare you for the shock and guilt you feel after.
i don't really like to think of what could have been etc as it's a waste of time, it's done and i have to live with that.
oh and i went on to get married and we now have a 14 month old baby. i know that years ago we weren't ready for a family, but now things are great.

kay41_2

what an awful dilemma you find yourself in. I would (as others have said) listen to your inner voice and go with your instinct. I don't know of anyone who wishes they hadn't had children, but again many who regret abortions.

I would make some personal observations. Don't assume that you will always be able to get pregnant. Fertility is something many of us think is just there and always will be, and infertility is a terrible thing to bear. It sounds as if your OH deeply regrets splitting up with you earlier and is making amends to gain your trust again. You can never predict whether the relationship will last, despite the best intentions, so again you have to go with your instinct. Talk to him about your future, if you have this baby, when will he want another one, does he expect you to return to work, despite the commute and having a small child (that is also very hard to do, I've been there!), does he want to get married etc. These shared goals are terribly important. Find out his attitudes to child care and discipine, does he want to change things about his childhood or was it stable? All these things will affect him as a parent.

As for affording a baby, there really never is a good time, but do a budget and work out if you can pay the rent and bills and have a bit of fun on one salary (assume his for conventions sake) - if so, you can afford it. One thing we found and is rarely mentioned on forums such as these. My OH and I used to spend probably between us £400-600 per month on going out, meals, pubs, smoking and generally our social lives (sounds massive now!) As soon as I got pregnant we cut down drastically a) because I felt rotten and b) we didn't feel the same need to go out. I felt wrong being in a smoky pub. I certainly didn't intentionally cut down on my social life, but I think it's natures way of preparing your for the arrival of a baby.

There is so much in the shops for babies that you feel you have to buy, and most of it isn't necessary. You don't have to have hooded towels, fancy nursery furniture, and rolls royce buggy etc. Breastfeeding is free. I saved up £200 per month while I was pregnant and it was very useful when my little one was born. People also give you a lot and pass on loads of stuff. The NCT have fantastic sales of clothes and toys (go to one in a wealthy area and it's rich pickings), Ebay is fab for baby stuff.

It's very hard when you are pregnant to imagine that you are having a real baby rather than a pregnancy, and I know for my OH it didn't hit him until she arrived, then he fell instantly in love and she became his baby (I was quite happy to pass her over!). The most amazing thing in the world is watching your partner become a dad - it's awesome. That said, like another poster, I was a mess of emotions when she first arrived and we had screaming rows as I felt my life had been turned upside down and his was just like 'playing' at being daddy. He took her out with him if he felt like it - I had no choice!

I hope that your instinct will guide you to make this decision, but it sounds as if you have many things in place that make having a baby easier.

Children are a joy and a gift, they are also hard work, can be expensive and tiring, but most of all, they open up a whole new world to you. I have better friends now as a result of having my daughter than I had before she was born and we know far more people. I really made use of my maternity leave to network and meet loads of other new mums and it has really paid off. In fact my OH used to tell me I was having too much fun going for coffee and lunch and ot for picnics etc and told me to stay behind and clean the house more. I told him exactly what I thought of that!

Good luck

Peakma

I started this thread over a year ago,regarding my brother and his girlfriends unplanned pregnancy.
http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=255190

personally I am just not comfortable with abortions at all,but that is my personal choice,and I would try not to push that on anyone.Everyone has the right to make the best decision for themselves,their unborn child and their future.

As an update to the linked thread,they did keep the baby,she's gorgeous,and the apple of both their eyes,and they although their relationship still has its rocky periods,they are expecting again in the summer.
She has a friend who got pregnant at around the same time,and had an abortion,and really regretted it,and feels too guilty about it to meet their baby(if that makes sense).
Any way good luck with your decision,although you do have to be practical about these things having a baby isn't just about whether you can afford it, I cannot explain the love you have instantly for you baby when it is born.Nothing else matters.
Good luck,daunting and surprising as it is,I'd think of it as the best Christmas pressie ever,and a guaranteed happy new year,and I'd be off to the sales,for cheap maternity wear and folic acid!