Pregnant - what to do? Please help...

cheltenhamgirl

Thjis might be along one, and I'm sure there are lots of people with very strong opinions on this so please try and be kind to me, my hormones are all over the place at the moment.

I found out on christmas eve that I'm pregnant. I'm not sure what to do. I'll give you the background....


I'm 25 - my partner's 33
We met two years ago, saw each other for a while then we ended abruptly (and broke my heart as I had fallen head over heels in love with him) - his choice.We were apart for a year or so although still in contact (each with other relationships going on) About a year ago we started talking about getting back together. I absolutely loved him, but didn't trust him at all - was concerned that he was just going to walk away again - eventually though my heart won over my head and I decided to give it another go. We have now been back together for 6 months, and he has done everything he could do to help me regain my trust. He tells me everyday how much he loves me, he looks after me, cooks for me, and generally is everything that a loving partner should be. He says he realises he made the biggest mistake of his life walking away two years ago.Anyway...our relationship is pretty near perfect now (as it should be after only 6 months) and we've even talked about marriage.

To give you a bit of financial background...We both earn decent money (me £30k approx, he £25k approx), but have some debts (not huge - prob about 4k in total between us in overdrafts) and neither are particularly good with money. We don't own our own house, but are renting somewhere.

So anyway, as you can probably tell, the pregnancy wasn't at all planned, and certainly wasn't in the 'lifeplan' at this point! However I do know I want children, and my OH is desperate to have a family. He has been really really supportive about this, and I know he would like me to keep the baby, but would stick by me if I decided not to.

I keep going around in circles, and I'm not sure what I'm writing will make any sense but I'll try....

* Is our relationship ready for this. We know we want to be together forever, but I'm worried about putting pressure on a new relationship and ending up splitting up, and being a single parent. I also do still have some trust issues, although he hasn't done anything wrong in the last 6 months. 6 months is very early on to be having a baby though.

* I'm still young (in my eyes at least) and I had so many things that I wanted to do yet. Travelling etc. I enjoy my career, and want to carry on. I've got hypothyroidism though, and have bouts of chronic fatigue and am worried about being a fulltime mum and career woman. I'm exhausted when I come home from work as it is as I have a long commute. I would need to work at least part time though as we wouldn't be able to do it on OH's salary alone. Would I have the energy?

* Can we afford it - are we in a good enough financial position? I always thought when I had children it would be in a lovely home that we owned, with no debts, and savings to pay for things that we need. I know that everybody says you'd never do it if you worked out 'when you could afford it'
but I'm really worried that we'd end up getting up in more debt as neither of us are great with money. I don't want to bring a child up in that.

* Then there's the other, really important side, that I've got our baby growing inside of me, and to let that go would be really difficult. I feel very attached already. The maternal instinct is stronger than I'd imagined!

* I also don't feel very able to justify having a termination as I'm not a young 16yr old single mum with no money, I'm in a fairly stable position relationship and money wise, what gives me the right not to do it.

* I'm worried that I would regret it forever if I did have a termination.

Anyway, please try not to be too hard on me, but any advice would be gratefully recieved....

Cxx

Kylie

No one will be (or should be) hard on you. You may get all sorts of advice but no one will be able to tell you what to do. You might be best talking it out with a close friend/parent/sibling. I wish you all the very best and once you decide what it is you want to do, don't look back and say 'what if'. From time to time in the future, you will wonder ... but you should never question what you did. Your decision will be the right one. My heart goes out to you.

whitewing

I had my DS unplanned when I was 24 & had just started my first graduate job. It wasn't easy - eventually split up from his dad - and I do sometimes regret that I let myself get into that situation. Trying to build a career and have a child may leave you feeling guilty.

All I can say is that my heart wouldn't contemplate a termination and for me it was right not to have had one. DS is now 11 + gorgeous (+ is doing his own reading challenge on this site).

You are in a much better situation financially and practically than I was. With the help of this site, you can do anything. So I would say follow your own heart with regard to the baby, and don't think about it logically. Just follow your gut reaction and everything else will work out by itself (including how you will move forward with baby's father).

inkie

* I also don't feel very able to justify having a termination as I'm not a young 16yr old single mum with no money, I'm in a fairly stable position relationship and money wise, what gives me the right not to do it.

* I'm worried that I would regret it forever if I did have a termination.

I think that you have answered your own question there. The things like financial management can be addressed and learned, and can be overcome, and there are people who are far worse off financially, who become parents.
Just my two penn'eth.

amandada

I think you already know in your own heart and mind what you want to do-and you have a supportive partner, which counts for an awful lot.

The only point I can answer is the "can we afford it" one. In my experience, even when a pregnancy is in the planning/practicing stage, the true answer is that you can NEVER afford it, but somewhere along the line, you do manage to make the adjustments.
Had I stayed working full time after having the children, our joint income would be similar to yours. Working part time, my dh's is about the same as yours, and mine is about half that of your OH. In my mind we've not suffered any hardship-we upgraded to a larger house, still have decent cars, not new, but decent, and still have a good standard of living.
What we've gained however, is 2 smashing (mostly)kids, and I have the luxury of having a job where I work in the evening, so I'm here in the daytime and when they get home from school in the afternoon, and their dad's here at night when I go to work. I appreciate it's not for everyone, but it works for us.
Incidentally, the only debt we have is our mortgage-we don't have credit cards (don't trust myself) and the car loan is long since paid off.

I hope you reach the right decision for yourself, even when it's meticulously planned, finding out you're pregnant can be pretty scary, never mind when it's come out of the blue.

Good luck x

shelley_crow

I think this is something only you and your OH can decide. If you have a good talk and decide what to do. From what you've said it sounds like there wouldn't be a problem in bringing up this child as your OH wants children. On the other hand children aren't for everyone and if you have serious doubts then it's better to air them now. Financially speaking, myself and OH had DS young (i was 19, OH was 21) we don't own our house or have lots of savings, we've never claimed benefits and have found that babies aren't as expensive as everyone would make you think. If you have financial troubles then help is always available. Don't feel pressured into doing anything.

Do you know how far along you might be? If you're now that far gone then don't feel in a rush to decide anything yet. From what i've read of your post i think you know anyway what you want to do. Good luck in whatever you decide to do xx

WestonDave

As a bloke (what do I know!) the one thing that jumped out at me was the hypothyroidism and being tired. One thing I can tell you having started parenting at 34 is I wished I'd done it 10 years earlier (although it wasn't on the cards then). Kids are hard work and it won't get any easier with more miles on the clock!

As for can you afford it - spending on kids expands to exceed the available budget (whatever that is) - in purely black and white you can never truly afford it because you'll always want to do just that little bit more for them. On the other hand what my two boys want more than anything in the world is my time (OK as they get older that may not be so cool and a playstation might be a better deal!) not more "stuff".

Its a decision firstly you need to make as to whether you are prepared to see what happens in your relationship if this news is out, and then as a couple whether you agree on a way forward - which may then have implications for the relationship. There is no "head" answer here that is right - most of the decision will come down to heart and no-one can tell you what is right there.

Good luck!

cheltenhamgirl

shelley_crow wrote: »

Do you know how far along you might be? If you're now that far gone then don't feel in a rush to decide anything yet. From what i've read of your post i think you know anyway what you want to do. Good luck in whatever you decide to do xx

When I saw the doctor on the 28th December he said I was just over 8 weeks...

Thanks for all of your advice everybody. A lot of people have said that they think that I've made up my mind to have the baby....but actually I really haven't. If anything, I'd say I was more leaning the other way.....I really am so confused. I've talked lots to my partner about it, and to some of my friends, but I still really don't know what to do. One day, I'll think there's no way I can get rid of this baby, and then the next day I'll be thinking there's no way I'm ready for this, and it's not what I want. I'm scared and confused. I just want ot make the right decision, for me, my partner, and the baby....

TEENY

I have been with my partner for 3 1/2 years and we have a 14 month old son and a 10 year old from a previous relationship. I have had a rough time with relationships in the past and thought i would never be able to trust anyone. When we got together i had serious trust issues but he did his best to resolve them ( the fact that i am 29 and he is 22 did not help !) When i fell pregnant we were worried about the same things as you but decided to go for it. I had a bad pregnancy and suffered from spd so i had to give up work and spent the last 4 months on crutches, my wonderful partner took the reins and worked as many hours as humanly possible to try and get us financially ready for our new edition.
Now i am still not back at work and he works in farming (which is not very well paid) but we manage to scrape through. It is never easy having children but i believe i made the right choice for me even though it didnt work out as planned.
Only you can decide what is right for you and dont let anyone bully you into something you are not ready for.

Good luck xx

amandada

cheltenhamgirl wrote: »

* I've got hypothyroidism though, and have bouts of chronic fatigue and am worried about being a fulltime mum and career woman. I'm exhausted when I come home from work as it is as I have a long commute. I would need to work at least part time though as we wouldn't be able to do it on OH's salary alone. Would I have the energy?


Cxx

Sorry I missed this part! I have hypothyroidism too, and to be honest it's not been an issue. I had my dose of thyroxine upped in my 2nd pregnancy as this is standard practice(or it was 5 years ago!) and had my levels checked monthly.

Early pregnancy is kn*ckering anyway, and it's a deep tiredness like no other. so depending on how far along you are, it could just be pregnancy related tiredness

As an aside, are you sure it's being managed correctly anyway? Pregnant or not, you shouldn't be having these bouts of fatigue-might be worth getting your bloods checked anyway.

3plus1

cheltenhamgirl wrote: »

I also don't feel very able to justify having a termination as I'm not a young 16yr old single mum with no money, I'm in a fairly stable position relationship and money wise, what gives me the right not to do it.

You don't have to justify a termination to anyone other than yourself, love. It's your body, and only you know what's right.

If you thought having an abortion was the right decision for you, I would fight for your right to have one. A woman's right to choose is perhaps the only principle in this world I feel that strongly about.

But you don't sound as if you want an abortion.

To me, you sound as if you really want this baby, but you're just a bit scared. Does that sound fair to you? I've never been pregnant, but I would imagine feeling scared is a perfectly natural reaction, and there are enough mothers who use this site who will be able to come along and confirm that for you!

If keeping this baby is what you want to do, and to be honest, it really sound as if you've got your heart set on that deep down - maybe you could ask for some practical help here. There are plenty of people on MSE who have had a baby in less than perfect circumstances and made it work. If there's anything you're particularly worried about - how much it's all going to cost - how to tell your employers you're pregnant - people here are going to have lots of advice for you. It might help put your mind at rest to know that it has been done by others, and it can be done by you.

I know it must seem difficult making this decision when your hormones are all over the place - I would advise having an honest chat with your closest friends. Your partner, right or wrong, is going to have his own agenda. Your friends should be able to tell you whether or not they really think having a baby is what you honestly want.