Pregnant - what to do? Please help...

shelley_crow

I was just thinking of how to word something when 3plus1 said it perfectly

BrandNewDay

I think that, one year from today, ten years from today, thirty years from today....

you would be far more likely to regret a termination than having your baby.

Kylie

3plus1 wrote: »

You don't have to justify a termination to anyone other than yourself, love. It's your body, and only you know what's right.

If you thought having an abortion was the right decision for you, I would fight for your right to have one. A woman's right to choose is perhaps the only principle in this world I feel that strongly about.


Your partner, right or wrong, is going to have his own agenda.

I second this.

Kylie

BrandNewDay wrote: »

I think that, one year from today, ten years from today, thirty years from today....

you would be far more likely to regret a termination than having your baby.

No one would regret having a baby - something in your life to love unconditionally forever? Give me 9 of them!!!

But I know 9 babies aren't always the best decision for everyone at any time...

:rolleyes:

RoxieW

Hi hon
Just to share my own experience - for what its worth. I found out that I was pregnant in my last year of Uni. OH was set against it and all the practicalities were telling me not to have the baby. I've always been ambitious, we had no home of our own, no job, heck - boyf didn't even want the baby. BUT, although I considered abortion and even booked one, I just knew in my heart that I would regret it in the future and always think of the baby. I thought about it over and over and in the end made the only decision I could. I would rather be a single mum, skint etc then not give my baby the chance of life. It was the hardest decision of my life.

Once I'd made up my mind, thankfully, boyf came around. We had baby (I was 20) and OH was still at Uni doing final year. We were seriously skint, ie less than minimum wage because as students we weren't entitled to any benefits. We lived on student loans (still hanging over us, grrr!) and OH had a job in holidays. However, this may sound unbelievable, we never felt like we 'did without'. We were all fed, clothed and warm with a roof over our head. Sure, we didn't have 'the best' baby furniture or clothes. In fact, I decorated the nursery with painting of animals that I did myself and we had a second hand cot. But I cant say it was tough because it never felt that way. We had what we had and we were happy.

Now since then OH graduated as an architect, has a fantastic job. We have another little boy and our own home. We both absolutely adore our boys and I look at our oldest and physically shudder to think of me taking that other option.

It may be a crude generalisation but I would say that many many women live to regret an abortion - whereas it would be difficult to find a women who wished she hadn't had her child. I feel that an abortion has to be one of those things you are as near as possible certain is the right choice all round.

As far as the practicalities go - no relationship is certain and so i wouldn't let that be a deciding factor. As for cost, i'd agree with everyone who said that it costs what you can afford it to cost. You can spend a fortune of designer babywear etc but the basics are available very cheaply. And the lifeplan...well, i was always very ambitious but a baby doesnt have to spell the end of that. I've done a post grad degree while at home with the boys, spent last year in my dream job in tv and am now scriptwriting which allows me to work around the boys. Hubby and I go out, we go on holidays with and without the children. We have a lovely life! There are ways to find a balance thats right for you. A baby needn't spell the end of everything else that you want from life. Our boys have enriched and brought so much joy and love to our lives. i honestly wouldn't swap my life for that of my childless friends - no way!

I wish you all the luck in the world with what you decide.

fsdss

i think you are just going through the initial panic stage of pregnancy - almost everyone i know worries about something or another when either pregnant or in early motherhood. throughout life we need something to worry about.

look - you are in a good loving relationship with very supportive and hands on partner. ok you split up a while ago but this has made your relationship stronger. My husband left me years ago (when we were g/friend b/friend) and like you i was gutted. however 6 months down the line we got back together and this made our relationship stronger sometimes people need space to ensure that their feelings are correct. we've been together 14 lovely years since then and we were much younger than you.
4k is not a lot of money to owe compared to your income and can easily be managed - nip over to the DFW board to see how you can skim this down.


yes parenting is exhausting but worth every breath and penny, somehow you manage to co-ordinate your life to manage. i went from a 35k job to nothing because i wanted to be a sahm. i have no regrets however i do now work 2 days a week but then thats personal choice.

good luck in whatever you decide - you sound like a lovely person who will consider every option with great thought

D_e_n_i_s_e

babies are usually never part of a plan, they just seem to happen (well thats what happend to me anyway!)

i was so grateful when i got preganant, yes i was young just 20 buts its a real blessing. now i look at my children and think i would be completely lost without them.

as for my husband he is just great, though me and him have never really seen eye to eye. Since the children we never have time for each other and sometimes we talk about bills and go to bed, last time i went to the pics was 2 yrs ago, sexlife is non-exitent, and the last time i went to eat out was 1 yr ago! though i feel we dont have enough QT between us, as a family we spend lots of time together he is a doting doting father and i wouldnt want to change that. As long as my children are with me (or us rather!) i am happy.

My children have all grown up now, my husband is still with me and as a family we still spend time together.

After your baby mentally you will automatically adorn towards your children its an innate affiinity you will have, as for your partner you will rather have him as a good father than a good husband should you have to choose - (thts my own opinion anyway)

persanlly id have the baby, wouldnt think of termination, as its a life, a gift, a miracle. being a mom is priceless

PS. My friend who is a marketing exec of a AIM listed company and earning lots, has been unsucessful with her third IVF, she said to me yesterday i wish i was you even with all the money i have i envy you.

cheltenhamgirl

3plus1 wrote: »

You don't have to justify a termination to anyone other than yourself, love. It's your body, and only you know what's right.

If you thought having an abortion was the right decision for you, I would fight for your right to have one. A woman's right to choose is perhaps the only principle in this world I feel that strongly about.

But you don't sound as if you want an abortion.

To me, you sound as if you really want this baby, but you're just a bit scared. Does that sound fair to you? I've never been pregnant, but I would imagine feeling scared is a perfectly natural reaction, and there are enough mothers who use this site who will be able to come along and confirm that for you!

If keeping this baby is what you want to do, and to be honest, it really sound as if you've got your heart set on that deep down - maybe you could ask for some practical help here. There are plenty of people on MSE who have had a baby in less than perfect circumstances and made it work. If there's anything you're particularly worried about - how much it's all going to cost - how to tell your employers you're pregnant - people here are going to have lots of advice for you. It might help put your mind at rest to know that it has been done by others, and it can be done by you.

I know it must seem difficult making this decision when your hormones are all over the place - I would advise having an honest chat with your closest friends. Your partner, right or wrong, is going to have his own agenda. Your friends should be able to tell you whether or not they really think having a baby is what you honestly want.

A few lovely people have been PM'ing me and have raised some important points.....

One said how she'd had an abortion and now really regretted it...that's something I'm really scared about.....and on the other side, one person contacted me who'd had an abortion and it turned out to be the right thing for her as she was able to go off and do all the things that she wanted to do. she also pointed out that it's all very well for my partner to be saying yes, lets do it, but if he walks away, it will be me who will be left bringing up a child on my own (even if financially he still supported me)...although it's a massive commitment for hi....he can still walk away whenever he likes.....

so....there are a few more of my worries I guess.

I just want to say a huge thankyou to everyone who's replied so far, and to those who will no doubt carry on posting...I know that it's my decision at the end of the day, but getting lots of peoples perspectives and ideas is really helping.....

babyblooz

What is your heart telling you to do? Because, if you love your child, and believe me you will, then all the minuses will be worth it.

Remember, life is what happens to us while we make plans for the future. I don't think you will ever regret having your child, but it is up to you to make your own decision. My daughter in law was the cool, level headed type, devoted to her job, but that all went out of the window after she had her child. Now, work is way way down on the list, and is just a means of providing some more money to live on.

I am not telling anyone what to do, but you fall in love with your baby, regardless of anything else. You could always downsize if needed, and there are lots of ways to cut back if you need to.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

findingmyownway

From reading your message, its clear you DO know what you want to do. The practicalities of having a child earlier than planned can all be sorted out.

I would say if you are anything but 100% sure, don't have an abortion.