Teetering on the brink

Cherryfudge

What a horrendous experience, I'm sorry you had that to go through. Definitely take someone along in future.

EatingBeans

Thanks all!

I am very pleased to report that today has been a MUCH better day!

dd2 and I both sat on the kitchen floor reorganising the cupboards now that dd1 has gone to uni and there is more space. We are both desperate to declutter the house but I need to do it in stages to avoid overdoing it. We had to abandon the process half way through, but the little progress we managed has already made a big impact. As strange as it sounds just the little thing of moving the crockery up to where I can now grab things without bending seems to make a noticeable difference in how much energy it takes me to get something to eat. I hadn’t realised how much energy bending over was using up until I didn’t need to but now I know I am going to use that knowledge throughout the reorganisation process so I have to bend less, especially for things I use regularly. 👍

Later on I had a quick call with work and answered a few questions to help with the occupational health referral, and I am going to have another meeting with my manager on Friday. He kept stressing that they will do their best to accommodate but based on a few things he said I am still not convinced they will agree part time hours. I asked to start back at a couple of hours a day for a couple of days a week asap but he seemed reluctant to let me and wants to wait for OH. I guess it will be whatever it will be. I can’t magically make myself better either way.

With a bit of help from dd2 I then packaged up a few things I sold on eBay and got them to the Post Office, then off we went to the dog field. The weather was warm, no wind and blue skies - perfect to just sit on the bench and let the dogs run to their hearts content. It’s so lovely to watch them and have the fresh air filling my lungs. No doubt it will help me sleep better too. 😁

All in all, almost certainly a more active day than I probably should have had but my Fitbit ran out of power so I didn’t have the little buzzing to tell me to stop. Now though, just dinner to eat and I’m calling it a day. 😴

ellenvan

Glad to hear you are feeling a little better.

Fresh air and sunshine always a bonus.

Don't worry about work, what will be , will be.

Cherryfudge

That sounds like a very positive day. Well done for spotting an energy thief. I'd not have thought of bending to pick up dishes as tiring, but really you are using muscles in a way you don't use them most of the time, and lifting - so that's quite a lot.

Well done on the ebay sales too, and what a joy to sit in the sun and watch the dogs having fun!

satchmo1

Great idea to rearrange household items for optimal ease, whether it be most used, most awkward, etc.

Only this week I explained to Mr Satchmo that if he filled the dishwasher in the direction that they would be taken out and shelved, it made things so much easier than his random/easiest to load. As he rarely unloads it, cos I'm getting the kitchen ready for morning, he hadn't cottoned on but agreed it made sense! (Is that "womansplaining"?)

EatingBeans

The past few days have been a complete eye opener in terms of realising just how little I can actually do without making myself worse. Mentally I feel like I am in a good place but I think that has because I’ve finally stopped pretending that I am ‘fine’ or that willpower alone will make me well, and I have finally accepted where I am at. Not only that but I’ve admitted it to friends and family and guess what, the world didn’t end!

And tonight, with all this new learning and acceptance, I finally did something I NEVER thought I would do… I bought myself a mobility scooter! 😱 Just a basic (cheap) second hand one off ebay but still. I don’t intend to use it all the time but I think it finally dawned on me that I am not going to suddenly get back to big long dog walks any time soon (the two hospital visits this week made that abundantly clear!), and the dogs clearly need more than a one hour blast one a week if this is going to continue. Bless them, given the complete lack of exercise for months they have been super good but that cannot go on indefinitely. My thinking is if I can get it so I can even walk just one at a time of the via scooter, they will get to see the world more regularly and hopefully I wont be flattened by it in the process. 🤞

I also bit the bullet and booked Little Dog in to be spayed next Tuesday. Up until now I had looked at the £350 price tag of spaying and thought I couldn’t justify it given that there is another option (i.e. separate the dogs when in season). My perspective changed though when I realised I needed to prioritise what I spend my energy on. Staying vigilant enough to be sure we don’t end up with an accidental brother/sister litter and managing Big Dog’s behaviour changes during the period is tiring at the best of times. There is also no way I would put that responsibility on dd2 along with everything else, so me going away (e.g. to the office or into hospital etc) would just not be an option during her season. Reluctantly therefore, much as it breaks my heart and my bank balance, she is going in to be spayed.

I am not trying to go on a mad spending spree but since I know if the girl’s came up to me saying they needed the money I would spend it. This time, when it comes to setting up things to help me in my new life, I’ve decided to just go ahead and worry about it later. No guarantee I will have the option in the near future (who knows if I will even have a job), so whilst I have the option I am taking it.

Speaking of work, I had another call with my manager today. It’s clear the higher ups have been coming up with a plan without me as he came to the meeting asking me to take of a new discrete piece of work rather than go bad to my old team. It gave me managing out vibes so I pushed back and he agreed for me to do a few things with my team instead, but still very specific pieces of work and he is going to join meetings too in order to support the team (which makes no sense because that is 100% my job). So yeah, not feeling too secure work wise, but I am going to try and just take it one step at a time. If I manage to get back to enough hours and can convince them to let me stay then great, if not then I will have at least had a few months of decent wages and hopefully put myself in a better place to cope with what comes next. 😁

daisy_1571

Job: think about it from their point of view and you will see youre a newcomer therefore thats a great thing that your manager is wanting to support the team. That probably shows that they will continue to be supportive of you plus giving you individual pieces of work is an easier way of them managing everyone through this period rather than you having a much wider range of work that you are working on. I think it all sounds good, from what I'm reading 😀

Scooter: that's fabulous. They are just like a tiny car. You wouldn't try to walk to get your messages if you'd a car at your door so its just a machine, like a washing machine or your vacuum cleaner, that takes stress out of situations. I used a hired one to walk my dog when I had an operation on both feet. Fabulous. As soon as I was able to get myself out the house to the attached garage suddenly I was being useful again as up to that point mr d was looking after me as well as doing all the dog walks. Plus I nipped up to Morrisons and right in round the store getting some messages occasionally too. Another great thing about it that I hope you will find too, once I was able to walk a wee bit, Mr d went in the scooter and I walked but I didn't have to keep wondering how far to go and gauging the walk back. I could just go as far as I could and then get on the scooter. Hopefully you will be able to do that on any occasion someone is with you. Our dog soon got used to avoiding me running over his feet and would come to the side to see me rather than the front. Just watch the camber of pavements, its easy to become top heavy and topple.

Money: I think you are entirely correct to prioritise his kind of thing as much as you can. You have recognised you'd do it for your girls so its great you are extending this same leve of self care to yourself. Well done

Dxx

Cherryfudge

Top advice Daisy - the scooter is a mobility aid, which is actually a positive thing as it helps you be mobile - in other words, a bit closer to your healthy self. I think the dogs will soon learn it's a good thing and the tails will wag when you head for it! A friend has just hired one to help her enjoy her holiday as she has torn a muscle. Of course you end up carrying the shopping but so long as it doesn't overbalance you, that's just another piece of the jigsaw of independence.

Commiserations to little dog, but a wise choice from you.

And it's true about spending the money you need to spend on yourself. Anything that helps is good.

daisy_1571

Me again - if the spaying is purely to stop brother/sister litter its probably cheaper in the short term to get male dog done than female dog as its a much easier op.

However that doesn't stop you having to be vigilant outside and its a shame for any local dogs or the dogs on walks to be presented with all those exciting scents and expect every other male to restrict themselves. Plus she also has to go through the longings every so often which are a really strong biological imperative which is also a shame if you are never going to get pups with her.

Either way, you are being a responsible dog parent and improving their lives which improves yours too

EatingBeans

Thanks. The spaying has been a difficult decision for me, one which has been thought long and hard about. The very reason for getting Little Dog was precisely because Big Dog turned out to be the best lab I’ve ever had so when the opportunity came to get a full sister my hope was she would turn out good enough to eventually breed my next lab from. In all honesty, I think she is actually better confirmation wise than her brother, but based on the fact that she is reactive, I have now accepted that I don’t think she should be bred from anyway. I’m not convinced it has a genetic cause and all the vets/trainers/behaviourists she has seen all say the same thing - she is not aggressive but is likely reacting as she feels she needs to protect me because of me being ill. She shows no signs of anxiety in any other ways e.g. at home or the in the car, fireworks etc, (in fact she is a bit too brave in some circumstances!), it’s just other dogs and some people. The sad reality is I caught covid the very week I was due to bring her home, I never got back to full health and it has had a lasting impact on her. 😞 I’m still trying, but not hopeful it will ever fully go now.

So, no pups for her, but she will continued to be loved regardless. Maybe one day I will end up with another !!!!!! and have pups from Big Dog directly, but that would take a mighty big turnaround in life given where I am now, and by the time I end up getting another !!!!!! and waiting two years for her to grow, Big Dog will probably be too old anyway. I will leave him intact just to leave the door open, but he’s such a good dog as he is I can’t see any benefit of getting him done tbh. The only time he is ever difficult to handle is when Little Dog is in season and he gets very protective of the house. The rest of the time he is the biggest most intelligent sap anyone could ever ask for. Super people and dog friendly, and just desperate to please. He’s even been around a few other bitches who I have found out later were coming into season and on every occasion he has still listened when I’ve called him away - his eyes may be on stalks but he still listens bless him! Honestly, he is my idea of a perfect lab.