Please god help, 60k in debt and feeling suicidal

Rob5342

eleanorl89 said:

Thanks guys! So is that letter from Barclaycard an actual default? Is that that account defaulted now? I’m so confused! 

They are telling you what you need to do to avoid getting a default, if you keep quiet they will default you and should write to confirm that. A default is serious so they don't just do it without warning, but in the long term perspective of a DMP thst you can't avoid then a default is the better of two evils (the other being an arrangement to pay marker) 

Grumpelstiltskin

OP Please stop getting into a panic. You have been told nothing terrible is going to happen, debt collection can be very slow so don't expect everything to be sorted out quickly. It's only money nothing to get worked up about.

EssexHebridean

That's easy said though isn't it. I think a lot of us here can remember feeling pretty much like the OP, in complete desperation and unable to believe that it can be as simple as that - and many of us wouldn't be trying to deal with it right after having a baby! 

Eleanor - time to take a breath and relax a bit now. 
- Your situation while unpleasant is a long way from the worst we've seen, I promise!
- You've done the hardest bit - acknowledging you have a problem that needs fixing
- As long as you pay your mortgage as you have been, nobody can take your home away from you. 
- Your priorities now are to pay your mortgage, council tax, heat, light and water bills, food for your family, any essential insurances, any essential travel costs, and basic clothing on an as-needed basis only. Any secured debt (car loans etc) should also come under that heading. 

Time now to get any payments cancelled that haven't yet been done, be prepared to tell creditors that they must only contact you in writing, sit tight and wait for the defaults. A constructive use of the time in between (as much as you have "time" with a newborn!) will be to start going through your budget (income and expenditure) with a fine toothed comb to see where you can make savings. 

eleanorl89

EssexHebridean said:

That's easy said though isn't it. I think a lot of us here can remember feeling pretty much like the OP, in complete desperation and unable to believe that it can be as simple as that - and many of us wouldn't be trying to deal with it right after having a baby! 

Eleanor - time to take a breath and relax a bit now. 
- Your situation while unpleasant is a long way from the worst we've seen, I promise!
- You've done the hardest bit - acknowledging you have a problem that needs fixing
- As long as you pay your mortgage as you have been, nobody can take your home away from you. 
- Your priorities now are to pay your mortgage, council tax, heat, light and water bills, food for your family, any essential insurances, any essential travel costs, and basic clothing on an as-needed basis only. Any secured debt (car loans etc) should also come under that heading. 

Time now to get any payments cancelled that haven't yet been done, be prepared to tell creditors that they must only contact you in writing, sit tight and wait for the defaults. A constructive use of the time in between (as much as you have "time" with a newborn!) will be to start going through your budget (income and expenditure) with a fine toothed comb to see where you can make savings. 

Thank you so much. I must admit, at this moment i’m having a low point again. I can’t quite grasp that something bad isn’t going to happen, I don’t (like you say) understand how it can be that ‘easy’

I know my credit rating will be shot but that seems like such a miniscule punishment for such reckless behaviour

It all started for me last year when I lost a pregnancy and was unable to work and focus on my business due to a severe decline in my mental wellbeing and then falling pregnant again pretty much immediately. So I used credit cards to fund the business as well as our lives

I’m struggling to picture the future and see how things will get better than this. It’s like staring into a black hole. I’m absolutely terrified of the threateining letters that are to come, I can’t bare it

Though my Husband is being wonderfully supportive, I can’t believe how lucky I am. I just feel I have tainted the first few months of our new babies life and will have for a while to come, when the letters and calls start

kimwp

It might be an idea to talk to your GP about how you are feeling. And think if there's anything you can cut out for the moment to stop feeling so overwhelmed. Having a new baby is really tough, physically and mentally, you need to give yourself some space to relax and enjoy this time with your baby.

Rob5342

eleanorl89 said:

EssexHebridean said:

That's easy said though isn't it. I think a lot of us here can remember feeling pretty much like the OP, in complete desperation and unable to believe that it can be as simple as that - and many of us wouldn't be trying to deal with it right after having a baby! 

Eleanor - time to take a breath and relax a bit now. 
- Your situation while unpleasant is a long way from the worst we've seen, I promise!
- You've done the hardest bit - acknowledging you have a problem that needs fixing
- As long as you pay your mortgage as you have been, nobody can take your home away from you. 
- Your priorities now are to pay your mortgage, council tax, heat, light and water bills, food for your family, any essential insurances, any essential travel costs, and basic clothing on an as-needed basis only. Any secured debt (car loans etc) should also come under that heading. 

Time now to get any payments cancelled that haven't yet been done, be prepared to tell creditors that they must only contact you in writing, sit tight and wait for the defaults. A constructive use of the time in between (as much as you have "time" with a newborn!) will be to start going through your budget (income and expenditure) with a fine toothed comb to see where you can make savingles. 

I’m struggling to picture the future and see how things will get better than this. It’s like staring into a black hole. I’m absolutely terrified of the threateining letters that are to come, I can’t bare it

Starting a DMP will be a big turning point, from now on you live on your budget and only pay what you have spare towards your debts. You will have to be careful and it will take a bit of getting used to but you will soon find that you make much better use of your money. Longer term when your income increases you can increase your debt payments, and at some point down the line you can make settlement offers to pay off some debts at reduced rates.

The letters really are nothing to worry about. The first one can seem a bit scary but you soon realise that they are all running through their standard letters saying pretty much the same thing.

elsien

You can also write to creditors and debt recovery to tell them to communicate with you only in writing. There is a template here someone if someone else can point at it.  You don't have to accept repeated phone calls off anyone. Also remember that a lot of  letters are computer generated and are triggered automatically. It doesn't mean that things are escalating although they can read like that.
I would second speaking to your GP, just for reassurance if nothing else. If you do need support it is better sooner rather than when things have already got on top of you. 

EssexHebridean

The letters - remember, they’re automated, churned out by a system because the computer says so. Most of them literally probably never see a human touch as these days even the envelope stuffing can be done by machine. You know the junk mail you get - trying to flog you new windows, or encourage you to get solar, or buy this or that - it’s addressed to you but not in a personal way, they just happen to have your details. The letters from DCAs are no more personal than that. Most of them are no more important than that, either!  

I think you said you were under the mental health team? If so, then get hold of your caseworker and talk this through with them, you don’t need to go into specifics beyond “we’re struggling a bit with money as a result of everything that’s gone on and it’s really affecting ring me badly” - they won’t judge, or criticise - they’ll just want to help. Each time you vocalise the situation to someone trusted and helpful you take a little of the power out of it - and take a little more control too. 

It’s over 20 years since we were in significant debt here - and 16 since last having consumer debt, yes STILL sometimes when I look at the credit card account I feel a flutter of panic - a fear that there might be a figure there we can’t pay…that’s a healthy thing though - it’s that which reminds me why we are NEVER going back to uncontrolled consumer debt. In 20 years you might be on here writing something really similar to another new forum member who is in the position you are now - because you CAN tackle this, and you and your husband can and will turn your lives around. 

You need to stop taking the weight of this on your own shoulders as well - the money sounds like it was spent for the household, the business would have been bringing an income into the family presumably, and without sufficient income from that business it sounds like the credit was used just paying for regular “everyday life” stuff as much as anything? That’s not solely your responsibility - your husband must have known what income there was, and that it was reduced, so he too could have stopped and said “whoah - hang on a minute, how come our lifestyles are continuing unchanged on so much less money?” He didn’t. Is he to blame? No more or less than you are - it’s just one of those situations which can arise. You know how to tackle it now, and more importantly, you will have thr tools to ensure that it cannot happen again in the future. Stop beating yourself up up thought- it’s only making your mental state worse.  Think about it this way - if I was you, would you be telling ME what a bad person I was, how I’d let everyone down and should be ashamed? Of course you wouldn’t - be as kind to yourself as you would be to anyone else in the same situation! 

sourcrates

The letters are all computer generated, a default notice is a legal notice to remedy a breach in a financial agreement, and obviously it will be in legal language, as legal notices have to be.

Yes they list what could happen if payments are not brought up to date, what that actually means is the debt will usually be sold or assigned to a debt collector, they will then write to you asking you to contact them.

If you can make some kind of payment, fine, they will accept that, life goes on.

If you can`t afford to pay anything, you tell them why you can`t, they will also accept that, and put your account on hold.

Usually they will check back with you at 3/6 month intervals to see if anything has changed.

The days when creditors chased you incessantly, despite having no money, are long gone in most cases, nowadays affordability is key, but you must tell them your situation, otherwise collection activity will continue.

elsien

eleanorl89 said:

EssexHebridean said:

That's easy said though isn't it. I think a lot of us here can remember feeling pretty much like the OP, in complete desperation and unable to believe that it can be as simple as that - and many of us wouldn't be trying to deal with it right after having a baby! 

Eleanor - time to take a breath and relax a bit now. 
- Your situation while unpleasant is a long way from the worst we've seen, I promise!
- You've done the hardest bit - acknowledging you have a problem that needs fixing
- As long as you pay your mortgage as you have been, nobody can take your home away from you. 
- Your priorities now are to pay your mortgage, council tax, heat, light and water bills, food for your family, any essential insurances, any essential travel costs, and basic clothing on an as-needed basis only. Any secured debt (car loans etc) should also come under that heading. 

Time now to get any payments cancelled that haven't yet been done, be prepared to tell creditors that they must only contact you in writing, sit tight and wait for the defaults. A constructive use of the time in between (as much as you have "time" with a newborn!) will be to start going through your budget (income and expenditure) with a fine toothed comb to see where you can make savings. 

Thank you so much. I must admit, at this moment i’m having a low point again. I can’t quite grasp that something bad isn’t going to happen, I don’t (like you say) understand how it can be that ‘easy’

I know my credit rating will be shot but that seems like such a miniscule punishment for such reckless behaviour

It all started for me last year when I lost a pregnancy and was unable to work and focus on my business due to a severe decline in my mental wellbeing and then falling pregnant again pretty much immediately. So I used credit cards to fund the business as well as our lives

I’m struggling to picture the future and see how things will get better than this. It’s like staring into a black hole. I’m absolutely terrified of the threateining letters that are to come, I can’t bare it

Though my Husband is being wonderfully supportive, I can’t believe how lucky I am. I just feel I have tainted the first few months of our new babies life and will have for a while to come, when the letters and calls start

It's not about punishment though, although your head may be telling you otherwise. You haven't committed any crimes and you don't need to be punished.
You ended up in a difficult place for a variety of reasons, some of which were out of your control. Which you are now going to sort out. Stop telling yourself you are a bad person, because you are not.