Please god help, 60k in debt and feeling suicidal

freshstart2023

One thing you may wish to do is to set up a new basic bank account, just with you mentioning that you bank with NatWest and also have a debt with them. 

Different creditors will take different timescales to default but hopefully all will have defaulted you after 6 missed payments..some are much quicker. 

So glad you have had some support from your Husband. You seem more positive, keep posting, there are so many kind people on here who will help and advise where they can. 

kimwp

I saw a doctor talk once on how the post partum stage is the trifecta for mental health issues- ranging hormones, tiredness and a massive life change. Even though you've already had one baby, having another is still a massive life change - now you have two little people with very different needs to juggle and probably a load of guilt about not tending to the one that you have to de- prioritise in that moment because the other one has a greater need at that second. You are having to deal with everything with all this stuff making it harder for you. Do what you can and try not to worry about the rest. And talk and reach out for help - maybe put the Samaritan or similar number in your phone so it's there if things are getting too much?

Great news about your husband's response. It's how he should respond, but it's good to have a good'un.

Nomunnofun1

eleanorl89 said:

God guys thank you so so so much. I have been crying with relief. To know that i’m not in any immediate danger of losing my house etc

So it sounds like the plan should be - & if somebody could please confirm this

- STOP communicating with ALL lenders
- STOP paying Virgin and Very
- Ignore all further communication from Lenders
- Let accounts go to default
- Wait for collection agencies to contact me
- Arrange affordable repayments with the DCAs

Is this whole process likely to take a few more months to get there? As I say I have been in the process of defaulting for several weeks (3 or 4) with a few of them

I think if I know roughly when to expect certain things, my anxiety won’t be so bad

I have also approached the subject with my Husband tonight who was incredibly receptive. I am so taken aback, that guy is unbelievable. I havent yet gotten into the nitty gritty of figures, so that remains to be seen. But already he has reacted way better than I thought

Your mind is really a scary place sometimes. Especially with the postpartum hormones still raging round my body, I’ve never been so close to the precipice before

I do feel absolutely ashamed of the state I have gotten myself into financially. I just hope once my head is straight again, I can focus on building up my business, getting off benefits ASAP, paying off my debts & living a normal worry free life again

Thank you so much to the kind people who have replied on here. I know I’m just a random screen name, but truly you don’t understand the peace you have brought me

thank you

I believe that it would be imperative that you now open a new basic bank account with another institution entirely separate (and unlinked) to any of your lenders. 

Great news on telling your other half. You surely will sleep so much better tonight. 

eleanorl89

Sorry can I just ask, I have just done a bit more digging about Very.co.uk, with them being more of a store card & the not paying process with them. I can see they are difficult to deal with, how is this?

Do they not default & pass onto DCA as the norm? Can they be more threatening or send someone to the house?

thank you!

Rob5342

There's no need to feel ashamed, everyones life throws up challenges from time to time, you juat need to deal with things and learn from what's happened. Three and a half years ago I was in a similar position to you, but now I've turned things right round. I've paid off a large chunk of my debts, I feel on top of things and have a budget I stick too, and I'm on here sharing my experience.

While you wait for defaults it's a good idea to pay some money into an emergency fund to cover any expenses that might crop up. 

fatbelly

eleanorl89 said:

fatbelly said:

What bank do you have your main current account with?

Natwest is who all my 3 accounts are with

Then if you want something to do tomorrow getting a new account with a bank that you have no debt with, would be useful.

So not rbs/natwest
Not lloyds/tsb
Not barclays

This is for two reasons - banks have the right to take from an account in credit to pay an account in debt. Even though there are rules about how they exercise that, why risk it?

Also, down the line, we do not want the creditors to be able to challenge what we tell them about income/expenditure

fatbelly

eleanorl89 said:

Sorry can I just ask, I have just done a bit more digging about Very.co.uk, with them being more of a store card & the not paying process with them. I can see they are difficult to deal with, how is this?

Do they not default & pass onto DCA as the norm? Can they be more threatening or send someone to the house?

thank you!

They can be a pain the the backside, that's for sure. But normally that's by their process being slower than others. Ultimately they go the same route. 

Be careful about random googling. There is a lot of nonsense out there. 

RAS

eleanor, 

Right now what matters is you and the babies. And you need to concentrate on the yourself because the babies need you. I'm amazed you can string a coherent post together at this stage; you really don't need the stress of money matters on top. But you also need to stop panicking. Easier said than done, but panicking just helps you make mistakes. Then you have to use up even more energy digging yourself out of that hole.

So stop, listen and hear the advice here.

Let your mental health team know that you are under a lot of stress, not just post partum but also financial and business wise. And distressed.

Open a new basic bank account as fatbelly advises. It doesn't require a credit check, so relax. Transfer any income that you have into the new account.

Stop paying all your consumer credit accounts. You will get calls, texts, emails and letters. Do not ring your creditors, or respond to texts or emails.

If your parents can help, ask them to help you send letters telling your creditors that you currently have mental health issues and they can only communicate in writing. You will get scary letters from creditors demanding you re-pay the entire sum you owe. That is a legal formality, an offer they have to make before being allowed to issue the default. Do not panic, do not get distressed, rejoice because it means that in 6 years time your credit record will improve, even if you don't pay back the debt.

This is manageable. You will need time to recover your health and to assess what you need and want to do in the future. It won't be quick, but it will happen. 

For now, try and enjoy the good things in life. I was once encouraged by a great friend to look each day for 3 things that gave me joy. She recalled the dandelion flowering in the gutter in a rain washed spring after the 1947 winter. There is a great thread on the OS Money Saving forum, 5 OS pleasures in your day, today. It's on part three now. Even on a grey day, the sun's still shining up there.

Take_a_hike_Elon_and_Jeff

eleanorl89 said:

Sorry can I just ask, I have just done a bit more digging about Very.co.uk, with them being more of a store card & the not paying process with them. I can see they are difficult to deal with, how is this?

Do they not default & pass onto DCA as the norm? Can they be more threatening or send someone to the house?

thank you!

Morning I really hope you're feeling a bit better today 
 I'm sure someone on here will know the answer but probably  getting  on the phone to the likes of stepchange sooner rather than later  (come the New Year when the Xmas hangover kicks  in I have no doubt their lines will be busy) will help with  your concerns and they will put your mind at rest. They are experts and will answer your questions https://www.stepchange.org/contact-us.aspx
Someone recommended opening up a new bank account which is probably what step change would advise too. There are a lot of choices obviously but in my personal experience I can highly recommend Monzo it is a brilliant bank app based.  The app is fantastic super easy to understand allows you to create pots within the app to separate money which can help organise your outgoings and bills can be paid directly from the pots.
Honestly all will be ok try not to worry it is perfectly normal to worry I get that. Once you have spoken to them you are going to feel so so much better. I remember that first time I called them I was so nervous but it was definitely the right thing to do. I hope you have a really much better day today!

Rob5342

Be careful with Stepchange as they tend to suggest what is best for the creditors rather than what is best for you (they will advise you to start repaying straight aeay rather than waiting for defaults for example). See what they have to say by all means but see what people here think of their advice before starting any sort of plan.