Please god help, 60k in debt and feeling suicidal

birdsfoottrefoil

So glad to hear from you! Great to hear you’re doing better and can see light at the end of the tunnel! 

elsien

I’m pleased for you that things I’m not looking as bleak as they were. 

It’s never an easy journey and it will have ups and downs and this place will always be here if you need it. What I would say is don’t ever feel obligated to post if you don’t want to.
You might get the odd post asking how you’re doing because people are interested, It’s completely up to you whether you want to answer or not.

Scarlet_to_Black

eleanorl89 said:

Thanks Kim. Can I also just say, thank you to everyone who has offered advice & support on this thread. I will continue to post updates as / when i can or if I need to if that’s ok

I cannot even begin to tell you how invaluable the support & advice was to me & improving my mental health at the time. I know that seems extreme, but it really was. I was in a very dark place at a very vulnerable time after giving birth but can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel… i mean it’s far away, but it’s there lol

I’ve never experienced such a kind, supportive space on the internet. Thank you to you all

I lay and read the whole thread in the early hours, and your husband is very similar to my ex-husband in financial matters. He told me he could never forgive me “for what I’d done to the family” getting into debt. Fact is, it was household expenses I was putting on credit cards. I earned £1000 a month and sent him £600 of this for bills. He had a very expensive golf membership, whereas I couldn’t even afford to get a bottle of wine and a taxi home from a friend occasionally. He had a budget for food, once it was gone it was gone, he said so I used to buy food on a credit card (in his knowledge). Best thing I ever did divorcing him! I stayed in the house paying the mortgage on my own from 2014 to 2018 as, on paper I couldn’t afford the sole mortgage if he came off. The financial settlement was that I stayed in the house until the kids were 18 or left education (my youngest is 14 now) but I sold for a smaller property in 2018 getting 85% of the equity and he was renting until last year. I note someone said that it was rare for this to happen and that the judge would want assets sold and split but this was not my experience. 

And the point of my posting, please, please consider your UC support before selling the house!! I was on Tax Credits, which was not mean tested so any equity was safe for me to bank, although I bought another house straight away via a mortgage arranged through StepChange, who were amazing. If you sell the house and plan on banking the equity whilst you work out your next move staying with parents, UC is mean’s tested, so anything over £6k will reduce your UC support and over £12k will stop it! 

It may be better for you to stay in the house until your situation and budget are settled.  I was financially far better off after we split, but you don’t know this yet so please don’t rush! 

EssexHebridean

Big round of applause for Scarlet's final paragraph above - it's absolutely vital you take proper legal advice on that sort of thing Eleanor - not just rush to sell. That said if you can come to a clean break deal that allows you to sell and re-buy at the same time, that would be a different matter potentially. Again though - advice needed! there is also a decent possibility I would think that some of the responsiblity for the debts may be ordered to be shared if you take things through a proper financial settlement too - make sure that you have copies of statements showing the money being spent on keeping household finances afloat. 

It's lovely to hear that you're feeling so much more confident about everything, and that the defaults are arriving too, they do seem to have streamlined the processes for that these days as a lot of institutions seem so much faster at moving to that stage. As above just check that the defaults are showing on your credit files before moving things forward to agreeing payments. 

Above all you sound incredibly strong and focused. Remember - you can without question cope with this and emerge from the other side. 

ShinyStarlight1

I am really glad you are feeling calmer and
stronger.

I had a few thoughts reading over this thread.

Firstly, your strength seemed to return once your husband declared he was leaving the relationship. That could be because your ungrounded anxieties materialised, so you could begin dealing with them. Or it could be because there was something about him as a husband that caused you anxiety. There are other options too, but I am glad you saw your inner strength when it happened.

Many of your earlier posts were so full of shame and harsh judgements on yourself. When you have stabilised yourself into your new life, it might help you to get some good quality therapy to unpick those reactions you had to what was essentially just human error and vulnerability- something we all have experienced because we’re only human and have never lived this life before! And you were so vulnerable, having just given birth.

You should be very proud of yourself for even starting a business. That takes guts. Many new businesses fail, for a variety of reasons, but you can learn from your recent business experience and put that added knowledge into your new one.

I wish you the very best. 

yksi

I owe a similar amount and I have a similar kidlet situation. I know you'll make it through this. It's all just a new routine you haven't learned yet. Your "team" is always here if you get a new letter or don't understand the next step. Just breathe, literally, then sit toddler down and read them a story, make cow noises and clap, fake the happiness because it actually helps to calm down.

You need to understand one thing. "Debt is just business." Ripping people off is built into their business model and so is defaulting. They just go: "Eleanor isn't making us any money anymore, let's put a big red D on her credit history then sell her £5,000 debt to ABC Debt Co for £500 and wash our hands of it all, yay we've got £500 so let's have cake!" I like to think about those bankers celebrating with cake after they get rid of us. They are not stressing about it, so we shouldn't be either. They will not waste thousands on lawyers to take polite and cooperative customers to court. Trust the process, it's all just admin. Paperwork and process. The screwup is gone and you've moved onto The Project.

I know you'll get good legal advice for the division of assets and the debt and whose debt is whose. But on the other end of it all, you will have some kind of house equity lump sum. Your house sale money is yours not the banks', please don't be tempted to clear the debts with it straight away. You simply do not have to, keep it and get further advice, there are dedicated Universal Credit forums for this. You must declare the money to Universal Credit as soon as you get it, but tell them "This money is from the sale of the marital home and it will be used to purchase a property for me to live in, please confirm that it will be disregarded as capital for six months" (important!). This way, you have six months to breathe and get more advice on how to use it. As for the debt management process, eventually you will realise, hey, this was a great move, not only is this money now interest free but I can eventually negotiate it down to only repay half of it! (And that is why you certainly do not pay it back immediately out of your house!)

Keep looking forward to cutting the debts in half. One day you can probably do just that. Keep the faith. You're building your new approach and you will stand on your own two feet.

Sending good juju your way. 

eleanorl89

Thanks so much again guys. I am however, starting to panic & spiral again, damn this bloody anxiety! It cripples me

I finally made my first offer of repayment, a measly £2pm to a debt of over £9000 to MBNA who have sold my debt to Credit Security LTD (or they’re managing it on their behalf, i can’t remember). I haven’t heard back yet. Of course i’m papping it! They’re probably going to laugh at that, but it is honestly all I can afford for the time being

So I’m just doom scrolling again & thinking of all the possible action that could be taken against me in the future if they decline this offer of payment. I’m gonna be offering a similar amount the the other debtors (some i owe close to 20k!!)

Just hating myself yet again for getting into this situation. I’ve been looking at my kids today & just thinking what the hell have I done to them

Moorcroft (who are managing Barclaycard for approx 15k) have given me 30’days breathing space to come up with an income / expenditure & offer them a repayment. I’ve heard terrible things about these guys

STILL waiting to hear anything further from Natwest (almost 20k CC debt). The last I heard they had given me 28 days to pay in full before they registered the default. Now silence, convinced myself they’re pursuing legal

Anyway, sorry it’s midnight & i’m sat rocking my 3 month old alone in the dark & just feeling very vulnerable 

elsien

Take a deep breath. Night times are always worse for catasrophising and things will look better again in the morning.
Cuddle your little one, remind yourself you are a good mum, and that you haven’t done anything wrong. Your children will be fine. 

I can’t comment on the repayments or whether sharing income and expenditure with Moorcroft is a good thing - I’m not sure there is any obligation for you to do that so wait for an answer from the people who know what they’re talking about.
Radio silence from the bank absolutely does not mean they are starting legal action. It just means that you are one of many many customers in debt and sometimes it takes them awhile to get round to things.

Take care and try and get a good nights rest if you can, three month old baby permitting. 

And step away from debt doctor Google - it really doesn’t help. 

RAS

Debt collectors have easy targets, difficult targets and those that may not be worth the effort. Right now, they realise getting blood out of a stone only happens in myths.

But it's a bit like a difficult conversation.

They know that according to the rules, affordability is everything so they should not be pushing anything. They also know that small babies grow so things might change in the future.

And that people tend to fill silence with their own thoughts, it's an old interrogation trick. Find something to distract yourself, preferably sleep or at least rest.

birdsfoottrefoil

Hey, I haven’t any money advice just that I’m sure you will fine in time and please don’t be ashamed of yourself!!!