Facing the future alone - care and managing money

Mrs_Z

First of all, thank you for starting this thread.  It's a brave thing to verbalise your worries and this is also a subject, which has not yet been talked about at length and has generated an interesting discussion.
Like someone already said, you are not alone in this boat. I don't know if it is an age thing, I have about 20yrs+ on you - but I've come to a conclusion that there is no point worrying about things you can't control, and there are aways stuff that is outside your control.  You can only do your best to prepare with the knowledge you have at the time.

In our case (married, no children between us), I've ensure we've LPAs and Wills in place. There is also a letter of wishes with my will, which details my wishes around our pets and their care, some practical stuff and an appendix of organisations that I have accounts with, pensions etc - no account numbers, just list of organisations which to contact.  I update this Letter and the Appendix yearly.  That's how far I can go.

You are still young enough to have child/ren if that's what you want, but do bear in mind that they are not guaranteed to be there to look after you at old age - they will have their own lives, could be living abroad, estranged - all sorts happens in families.

Who is there to say that you will spend the rest of your life with your current partner?  I know someone who divorced after 45years of marriage and re-married! You could end up with a new partner and ready made family with step children!

All sorts of scenarios play in my head about old age - whether I'll get Alzheimers (like my dad) or manage to hold on to my marbles to the last breath (like my mum).  Worse case scenario: OH goes first, and I end up with dementia - not knowing where I am or what day it is?  Well, if that happens, it'll be for other people to sort me out, wont' be my problem. Be that friends,  neighbours or authorities at the time - who knows!

What I'm trying to say is that get your affairs in order - as much as is practicable, and then relax and start living - after all, we're here for a very short time all considering, so may as well try and make most of it!

kimwp

Worried_and_alone said:

Thank you for the suggestion. I did try medication earlier in the year. I had no side effects. I don't think I took it for long enough though. I felt sad and worried that my life had come to the point where I felt it was my only option. I think maybe I should try it again though. My anxiety right now is hideous.

I don't want to be encouraging you to take medication, but I also don't want you to feel like needing it is a failure on your part. Life can be hard and sometimes the chemicals in our brain, our DNA, our circumstances can make it harder. It's very difficult to get relief from our thoughts, and it's reasonable to take action to get that relief - exercising and getting outdoors, counselling, medication are all things that might help, just as rest, painkillers and physio are actions that help with a sprained ankle. 

Worried_and_alone

@Mrs_Z Thank you for your reply. It is good to hear from others who are in the same position.

Absolutely agree with your point about children. In fact, I think having them to be there for you in old age is a very selfish thing to do. I also worry that I could have a child with complex disabilities and that would make the future even more difficult to sort out, as there would then be the worry of what would happen to that child after we died.

I see your point about possibly having a different partner in the future, however the thought of that makes me very sad. I don't like the idea of something happening between us or him being on his own. I appreciate that life is unpredictable though. 

Being old and alone with dementia is my worst nightmare too. I understand what you mean about it not being my problem to sort out though! 

Practically, I have managed to find a retirement village which has various levels of care, including a specialist dementia care unit. If I thought I could guarantee myself a place in there, if needed, I could relax a little, but of course I can't. It relies on there being a place for me and having the funds to afford it (the latter is reasonably likely but not 100% guaranteed).

I hate the uncertainty of it all. I want to enjoy my life, but I can't until I know I will be safe in old age, and I won't know that until I am there, and at that point I won't have much of my life left to enjoy.

Sometimes I try to tell myself I might actually be a little safer than those with family though, as I do have the funds to buy good care. The retirement village I have found looks lovely. There's loads of activities going on and beautiful grounds (like a country hotel). I don't think I would ever be lonely, and in some ways, I quite look forward to going there! As you say, people with children could find themselves lonely if they have moved away / are estranged etc. 

Worried_and_alone

@kimwp Thank you, I definitely agree with that. Something I worry about regarding medication though is whether it could increase my risk of dementia. There seems to be some evidence to suggest it could, and dementia in old age would make my situation even worse. 

Life is so tough! I hate not knowing what to do for the best. 

Bostonerimus1

Worried_and_alone said:

@Mrs_Z Thank you for your reply. It is good to hear from others who are in the same position.

Absolutely agree with your point about children. In fact, I think having them to be there for you in old age is a very selfish thing to do. I also worry that I could have a child with complex disabilities and that would make the future even more difficult to sort out, as there would then be the worry of what would happen to that child after we died.

I see your point about possibly having a different partner in the future, however the thought of that makes me very sad. I don't like the idea of something happening between us or him being on his own. I appreciate that life is unpredictable though. 

Being old and alone with dementia is my worst nightmare too. I understand what you mean about it not being my problem to sort out though! 

Practically, I have managed to find a retirement village which has various levels of care, including a specialist dementia care unit. If I thought I could guarantee myself a place in there, if needed, I could relax a little, but of course I can't. It relies on there being a place for me and having the funds to afford it (the latter is reasonably likely but not 100% guaranteed).

I hate the uncertainty of it all. I want to enjoy my life, but I can't until I know I will be safe in old age, and I won't know that until I am there, and at that point I won't have much of my life left to enjoy.

Sometimes I try to tell myself I might actually be a little safer than those with family though, as I do have the funds to buy good care. The retirement village I have found looks lovely. There's loads of activities going on and beautiful grounds (like a country hotel). I don't think I would ever be lonely, and in some ways, I quite look forward to going there! As you say, people with children could find themselves lonely if they have moved away / are estranged etc. 

Obviously there has been some advice for you to seek some therapy as dwelling on a quite distant and unknown future enough that it negatively impacts your day to day life is a bad situation, but you might also consider some physical activity and joining a sports team. I'm not far from pensionable age and have been divorced for 25 years (no kids) and found being alone very difficult at first. I live in the USA and my family are all in the UK, but I was lucky to have some good friends, but they can only do so much. So I took up cycling and it's been a great way to stay fit, fill hours with fun and get some much needed endorphins. It's helped me deal with periodic mild depression. I'm in a bit of a hole right now due to the election of "The Orange guy" and my treatment is to do a 50 mile ride through beautiful autumn countryside stopping half way for cakes at a nice cafe. It won't solve any political issues, but it will take my mind off things and make me feel a lot better. 

Worried_and_alone

@Bostonerimus1 Thank you, I think that is good advice. I have actually been considering joining a cycling group. I've seen one on Facebook which looks friendly. I do feel better when I am out in nature. 

I hope you are feeling a bit better soon too! 

LHW99

Worried_and_alone said:

@kimwp Thank you, I definitely agree with that. Something I worry about regarding medication though is whether it could increase my risk of dementia. There seems to be some evidence to suggest it could, and dementia in old age would make my situation even worse. 

Life is so tough! I hate not knowing what to do for the best. 

One thing about medication that I have heard, but can't point to any research, is that combining it with counselling / therapy can be more effective than just taking it on its own.

Also, don't worry too much about "the best". "Good enough" usually turns out OK!

barnstar2077

Worried_and_alone said:

@Bostonerimus1 Thank you, I think that is good advice. I have actually been considering joining a cycling group. I've seen one on Facebook which looks friendly. I do feel better when I am out in nature. 

I hope you are feeling a bit better soon too! 

I will second the recommendation of exercise, lots of science based evidence that it is great for boosting mood, with the added benefit of helping you stay in shape and live longer!

If you like the idea of getting out in nature a bit more but could do with some inspiration, then I highly recommend this chaps channel:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KqzWWaFknA

He lives on a narrow boat and uploads the most beautiful videos you have seen of nature, with wise words and tranquil music.  They make me want to get up off of the sofa and get out there too!
  

SunnyBunny

I just wanted to say thank you so much to the OP - this discussion has been a real eye opener.    Responses have been sensitive and individual.    The different activities that might help that people have suggested - great options. The "talking therapies", as they say, can be really useful to have someone independent that you can "get it out there" in a safe space.  

I hope you find the right route for you to reduce your anxiety and plan out your journey through life (if plan A doesn't work, there's always plan B, C or.... )

Take care and thank you again for this valuable post. 

Worried_and_alone

Thank you everyone. You have all been so kind in your replies. I am feeling very sad again this evening, but comforted by the fact that strangers on the internet would take the time to reach out to me and be so thoughtful and helpful. Thank you.