Facing the future alone - care and managing money

Cairnpapple

My spouse and I are 10 or so years older than you and also have no kids. I would say that something that has changed for us since our 30s is that some of our friends have become a lot more like family, especially single friends and people without kids or whose adult kids live far away. Yes, it might be better to have younger friends to be POA but if I have several people my age in mind there's a good chance someone can do it! And because many of us are dealing with ageing parents in various ways, we talk a lot more about plans for our own futures. 

Since I'm already disabled, our eventual plan for retirement is to downsize to a ground floor flat in the city where quite a few of our friends live. I'm just hoping that the friends don't all decide to retire to the countryside! The key thing is that we plan to do it immediately on retirement (hopefully at 60 or sooner) so that it's less disruptive and in the hope that we can build some wider community and get settled with medical providers etc.

Given demographics, you absolutely won't be the only person with this issue and I expect that one way to find e.g. a trusted solicitor in your 60s will be to ask around other people of similar age and situation in your workplace/U3A/book club/ yoga class etc. I expect there may also be a change in the type of professional services provided over time if demand increases - see for example the massive growth in non- religious funeral celebrants and more recently the emergence of death doulas. In 30 years we may find ourselves able to straightforwardly hire a specialist professional POA on the high street (if the high street still exists!)

Worried_and_alone

Thank you @Cairnpapple I like your positive outlook! I have been trying really hard to work on friendships for the last year or two and have made some really good ones already. It's something I will keep working on during my 40s.

MarzipanCrumble

I would find an IFA that you trust and get on with -  you can start now.  They should tailor your finances to your goals and suggest methods to mitigate your worries.  Also give advice.  

Look at the STEP site too  
https://www.step.org/
https://www.step.org/about-step

You are not alone - there are also people who have been alienated from their families, either through their own or their families actions.

I am an intovert - a retirement village would drive me mad but for some it would be ideal and if truly alone, maybe a good solution.

wjr4

You’re in your 30s. Enjoy life.

kempiejon

Worried_and_alone said:

Thank you @Cairnpapple I like your positive outlook! I have been trying really hard to work on friendships for the last year or two and have made some really good ones already. It's something I will keep working on during my 40s.

Keep going. Over time one will have lost track of many friends. Some will have drifted apart, while others will have been lost to more permanent reasons. It will have taken time to realise that many relationships had been short-term, transactional, or transient. Once one recognises this pattern, we should make an effort to value and seek new close companions. I read that for we oldies, actively seeking and making new connections will be important for a longer, better quality of life.

squirrelpie

I second the thought that you might benefit from some counselling, with the goal of making you less worried about the future. I'm in my 70s and I can reassure you about outliving people; basically it happens and is normal. Policemen get younger every year, and so do dentists, doctors, postmen, solicitors etc etc. It's a normal part of life and you just adjust to those changes as they happen.

You won't be a burden to people looking after you in various ways; they are working to earn their living and looking after you is part of what they do. Everybody's attitudes are individual and different, but you're in charge of who you employ in any ongoing relationship. If you don't like your dentist, change them!

powerspowers

There’s some good practical tips on this thread. 

I wondered if there has been any life changes for you recently- a bereavement or struggling with fertility. You don’t need to answer but could be one of the reasons you are struggling. I have similar worries, although maybe to a lesser extent, and for me it relates to not having biological children. Although that isn’t a guarantee that they will be there for you! Your comment about hoping you will feel better once you have plans in place also made me think of this article I read today about health anxiety https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/nov/04/mother-died-hypochondria-ill-ocd-diagnosis?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

Agree that you can make plans but there are things you can’t control. 

Be kind to yourself 

LHW99

Worried_and_alone said:

I don’t know if this sound ridiculous, but as well as the practical worries, I have this overwhelming sense that I will be burden on someone – whether that be a solicitor, a doctor, care home staff etc. Although perhaps people with families worry that they will be a burden on their children etc.   

I also need to work out how to sort my funeral. Well actually I have decided to go for a direct cremation. I don’t think there is any point in me having a funeral seeing as there will be nobody / very few people to attend.

I just find it so mentally difficult that I have to face up to all this and my own mortality at a relatively young age. (Appreciating that some people don’t even get to my age however).

Please, please don't let yourself get too worried about the funeral side. Even those who are (for example) without any funds at all get a respectful funeral, even if the trimmings are minimal. No one is left in a ditch (as I believe could happen to the enemies back in Roman times) or in any way have something similar happen.

Have you tried visiting any of your local churches? There are many flavours and denominations even within Christianity, and if you have been brought up in a different faith (or none at all) you can find jewish, buddist, hindu, moslem, humanist etc groups who will encourage new members, and will try to make them feel welcomed and offer activities where you can meet people who may in time become trusted friends.

Worried_and_alone

Thank you again everyone for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. 

@powerspowers Yes, I have experienced some difficulties in the last couple of years. A bereavement and then ill health of one of my parents. There's also the fact that I would very much like a child, but feel I can't now have one as I am too worried about being an older parents. Also being an only child (as is my partner) I wouldn't be able to provide a child with any extended family, hence why I feel I couldn't bring a child into the world. It's sad because I look around me and most of the people I went to school with have managed to have children and they also have brothers and sisters and their kids are growing up together with their cousins. Their families are growing whist mine is shrinking and I am terrified that one day I will be completely on my own. I wish, to a large extent, that my own parents had never brought me into the world, even though I feel terrible saying that!

I absolutely relate to that OCD article you linked. I am a long term sufferer of more 'traditional' OCD - like having to check doors are locked, plugs pulled out etc many many times before I can leave the house. 

Worried_and_alone

@LHW99 Thank you - I have thought about looking into joining a church. I like the idea of being part of something. A community I can give back to as well as perhaps somewhere to turn during any turbulent periods in my life.