Facing the future alone - care and managing money

Beddie

Worried_and_alone said:

Thank you again everyone for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. 

@powerspowers Yes, I have experienced some difficulties in the last couple of years. A bereavement and then ill health of one of my parents. There's also the fact that I would very much like a child, but feel I can't now have one as I am too worried about being an older parents. Also being an only child (as is my partner) I wouldn't be able to provide a child with any extended family, hence why I feel I couldn't bring a child into the world. It's sad because I look around me and most of the people I went to school with have managed to have children and they also have brothers and sisters and their kids are growing up together with their cousins. Their families are growing whist mine is shrinking and I am terrified that one day I will be completely on my own. I wish, to a large extent, that my own parents had never brought me into the world, even though I feel terrible saying that!

I absolutely relate to that OCD article you linked. I am a long term sufferer of more 'traditional' OCD - like having to check doors are locked, plugs pulled out etc many many times before I can leave the house. 

There is literally nothing stopping you having children at your age. Very few people feel fully "ready" for that big decision. So have that conversation with your partner, you might find it's the best thing you ever did.

I have no children either and it's too late now, but I would have done if the circumstances were right. But they never were. I'm fine about it, but don't pass up on the chance if you both want to.

Worried_and_alone

Beddie said:

Worried_and_alone said:

Thank you again everyone for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. 

@powerspowers Yes, I have experienced some difficulties in the last couple of years. A bereavement and then ill health of one of my parents. There's also the fact that I would very much like a child, but feel I can't now have one as I am too worried about being an older parents. Also being an only child (as is my partner) I wouldn't be able to provide a child with any extended family, hence why I feel I couldn't bring a child into the world. It's sad because I look around me and most of the people I went to school with have managed to have children and they also have brothers and sisters and their kids are growing up together with their cousins. Their families are growing whist mine is shrinking and I am terrified that one day I will be completely on my own. I wish, to a large extent, that my own parents had never brought me into the world, even though I feel terrible saying that!

I absolutely relate to that OCD article you linked. I am a long term sufferer of more 'traditional' OCD - like having to check doors are locked, plugs pulled out etc many many times before I can leave the house. 

There is literally nothing stopping you having children at your age. Very few people feel fully "ready" for that big decision. So have that conversation with your partner, you might find it's the best thing you ever did.

I have no children either and it's too late now, but I would have done if the circumstances were right. But they never were. I'm fine about it, but don't pass up on the chance if you both want to.

Thank you, I know. It is just hard to work out what to do for the best. There is so much that could go wrong (as well as right)! 

barnstar2077

It sounds like you may have anxiety in general.  I had counselling years ago that was very helpful.  I didn't have a close family growing up, and really I just needed someone to talk to.  The counsellor I saw could see I also needed a bit of life coaching really.  Just having a sounding board to question some of my views was hugely beneficial. 

As for children, in your position I would talk to a friend that has children already and is someone who loves kids. Could you suggest to them that you want to have a child but you are concerned lest anything should happen to you and your partner, but you would be willing to leave a substantial sum to them if they would look after the child in the highly unlikely scenario that you and your partner both die very young?  No pressure, just testing the waters. 

I wouldn't make any life changing decisions at the moment though, once you have spent some time in counselling you may realise that your current concerns are actually the result of different underlying, unresolved, issues.

Lastly, I would say that you are already being proactive and that is half the battle really.  Sometimes people or events put us in a hole, but it is up to us if we stay in that hole or if we do something about it.  

Worried_and_alone

barnstar2077 said:

It sounds like you may have anxiety in general.  I had counselling years ago that was very helpful.  I didn't have a close family growing up, and really I just needed someone to talk to.  The counsellor I saw could see I also needed a bit of life coaching really.  Just having a sounding board to question some of my views was hugely beneficial. 

As for children, in your position I would talk to a friend that has children already and is someone who loves kids. Could you suggest to them that you want to have a child but you are concerned lest anything should happen to you and your partner, but you would be willing to leave a substantial sum to them if they would look after the child in the highly unlikely scenario that you and your partner both die very young?  No pressure, just testing the waters. 

I wouldn't make any life changing decisions at the moment though, once you have spent some time in counselling you may realise that your current concerns are actually the result of different underlying, unresolved, issues.

Lastly, I would say that you are already being proactive and that is half the battle really.  Sometimes people or events put us in a hole, but it is up to us if we stay in that hole or if we do something about it.  

Thank you for this good advice. 

Retireinten

Many councils will manage the finances of individuals who can no longer manage their own money and have no one else to do this for them.  It's usually managed through the Deputyship Team. So if you really do need to put your mind at rest, it may be worth enquiring about this service.

Worried_and_alone

Retireinten said:

Many councils will manage the finances of individuals who can no longer manage their own money and have no one else to do this for them.  It's usually managed through the Deputyship Team. So if you really do need to put your mind at rest, it may be worth enquiring about this service.

Thank you, that is really helpful information. 

kimwp

Similar but different - similar age, I don't have a partner or children, so have some nieces and nephews, but all too young to know if they will be sensible, willing and also can take on that burden. But I figure I will figure the care bit out when I get closer to the time - there's 40 years for the world to burn in all sorts of exciting ways before then.

It sounds like you need help with your anxiety - you've mentioned counselling, but pills might also help- a friend with anxiety described it as "still being you, but it smooths over the world's edges". 

barnstar2077

kimwp said:

Similar but different - similar age, I don't have a partner or children, so have some nieces and nephews, but all too young to know if they will be sensible, willing and also can take on that burden. But I figure I will figure the care bit out when I get closer to the time - there's 40 years for the world to burn in all sorts of exciting ways before then.

It sounds like you need help with your anxiety - you've mentioned counselling, but pills might also help- a friend with anxiety described it as "still being you, but it smooths over the world's edges". 

I'm not medically trained, but I know people who take tablets for anxiety, and or depression, and they are very hard to stop taking once you start.  Plus the side effects can be terrible. 

All I'm saying is there isn't a magic pill that fixes everything and has no side effects.  Please only go down that route if you really are unable to cope in other ways. 

kimwp

barnstar2077 said:

kimwp said:

Similar but different - similar age, I don't have a partner or children, so have some nieces and nephews, but all too young to know if they will be sensible, willing and also can take on that burden. But I figure I will figure the care bit out when I get closer to the time - there's 40 years for the world to burn in all sorts of exciting ways before then.

It sounds like you need help with your anxiety - you've mentioned counselling, but pills might also help- a friend with anxiety described it as "still being you, but it smooths over the world's edges". 

I'm not medically trained, but I know people who take tablets for anxiety, and or depression, and they are very hard to stop taking once you start.  Plus the side effects can be terrible. 

All I'm saying is, there isn't a magic pill that fixes everything and has no side effects.  Please only go down that route if you really are unable to cope in other ways. 

Yes, any medicine should only be taken if other routes don't work. A GP should explain the potential pitfalls.

Worried_and_alone

Thank you for the suggestion. I did try medication earlier in the year. I had no side effects. I don't think I took it for long enough though. I felt sad and worried that my life had come to the point where I felt it was my only option. I think maybe I should try it again though. My anxiety right now is hideous.